Where will the career path of Wayne Rooney go? Wayne Rooney is not just a brilliant footballer.

Pictures you did not expect to see.

Wayne Rooney. An unguarded moment conveys the truth.
Wayne Rooney. An unguarded moment conveys the truth.
Sir Alex Ferguson. He knows. But he just cant think of the right way of telling.
Sir Alex Ferguson. He knows. But he just cant think of the right way of telling.
Covent Garden. Wayne always fantasised about his debut here.
Covent Garden. Wayne always fantasised about his debut here.

Where next for Manchester United star, Wayne Rooney.?

In the world of association football/soccer the big subject being discussed at the moment is "whither Wayne Rooney". Now that it has become official knowledge that the talented Mr Rooney wants to leave Manchester United, and the slightly smothering tutelage of United Manager Sir Alex Ferguson, the question that is on everyone's lips is to which other football club will he take his great goal scoring skills now. There has been talk of Real Madrid. There has been some slight rumour of Tottenham Hotspurs. Some have speculated that he might even go to play for Manchester City,(to the eternal chagrin of all followers of Man U.). I can put the speculation to rest today. As The President of the Ancient Society of Secret Historians, I am privy to many secrets. When Newspapers want to print a "scoop" they first have to check with me as to the accuracy of the information that they have. If I dismiss it as false it never gets to see the light of day. It was I who gave the world the information that Barack Obama was one quarter cat.

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It was I who further released to the world spectacular details of the almost successful very Special Forces assassination attempt on Osama Bin Laden.

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So you can see that any information whose source can be traced to me is always impeccably accurate. With that fact clearly understood it is my pleasure to inform the world that the next football club that will have the great good fortune to have Wayne Rooney as its star striker is the East London club Dagenham and Redbridge, and that they have entered into partnership with The Royal Ballet Covent Garden. His great talents will be shared between both "Owners" to the great benefit of each.


Wayne Rooney and the fateful encounter in South Africa.

To explain how this, seemingly odd, decision has been made it is necessary to go back to the World Cup Tournament in South Africa earlier this year. Our Wayne, who was hitherto considered to be one of the greatest of recent players for his country, gave a somewhat lacklustre performance; as indeed did the rest of The England Team. They actually went out in the quarter finals,(Boos all round now please), but it is something that happened away from the pitch that we are concerned with today; something that has not hitherto been made known. During the stay in South Africa it was reported in all the media that the England Team went on a trip to a national safari park. The exact details of what happened that day were never reported because the TV cameras were discouraged from following the players. The day out finished with a visit to a traditional African village, where the excited footballers were entertained by a display of Zulu dancing. Wayne Rooney with the natural exuberance of his youthful nature was prevailed on to take part in the dancing along with the locals. A few cans of best South African beer may have helped his "party spirit". Anyway when it comes to excelling on the football field there are few to match the brilliance of the young Liverpudlian, but he is less assured when it comes to the finer points of South African folk dancing, especially when he is "half cut". The result was that he fell in mid gyration, because he sprained his ankle. Needless to say, this caused consternation in the team, because an injury of that nature would prevent him from playing. The team had already lost the talents of David Beckham because of injury. If their star striker was to go the same way they might as well go home without playing a match.

While they were deliberating what they could do they were approached by an elderly African man who explained that he was a witch doctor. He said that he could use some locally grown herbs in a poultice, and that it should heal the ankle within twelve hours. The decision to use the unorthodox treatment was made by England manager Fabio Capello. He could foresee complete ruin for the team if Rooney could not play. In a private session with Wayne the shaman applied his medicine. Immediately the swelling of the ankle began to subside. The witch doctor, as these sorts of people tend to do, took advantage of his private time with the famous footballer, to give him some sage advice. I can quote it word for word. He said.

"you are a great and talented young man, but there is a void at the heart of your life. Money and fame are brilliant things to have. But you do not feel that they are bringing you complete happiness. The thing that is within your heart, that you are denying, you must deny no more. For real fulfilment in your life you must embrace your true passion, and remember, money is not everything".

By the next morning the sprain was perfectly cured. This fact, and the conversation that he had had with the "Wiseman" had a profound effect on young Mr Rooney. People have speculated as to why he seemed to play less than well in the World Cup, and why his form has appeared to diminish since he returned to Man U. The fact is that he was considering the advice he had been given in Africa. It weighed very much on his mind. The speculations that there have been in the press about the state of his marriage, and the persons who have been coming forward in efforts to make quick fortunes by denigrating his character, are so wide of the mark as to be beyond the orbit of Neptune. What I am telling you is the truth. Accept no other version.


Wayne Rooney fulfils all his dreams.

The thing that I referred to as being the passion that he was denying is his deep and abiding love of classical ballet. All the time while he was growing up and taking his first steps up the ladder of football immortality any bit of private time he could get was spent practising his ballet moves. He could spend hours watching old videos of Fonteyn and Nureyev. How he longed to be that Russian dancer, and just seize Margot and lift her high above the clapping crowds in Covent Garden, or even The Bolshoi. But football always came first. His second great love always had to stay hidden. Once, when he was alone in the dressing room at Old Trafford, the urge to dance simply proved too much. He started practising his "Pas de bourrée couru" or running step. He was in his absolute element, when the Manager of Manchester United Sir Alex Ferguson walked into the room. Sir Alex walked out again without uttering a word. But there undoubtedly was a sinking feeling in his heart when he saw the beatific smile that was on the face of his star player, as he propelled himself gracefully around the room. The wise, but habitually dour, manager realised then that devotion to the beautiful game alone would never be sufficient for Wayne Rooney.

Since the return from the world cup things have moved on quite a bit. Wayne has done a gruelling audition for The Royal Ballet. Years of private practise have stood him in great stead. Needless to say he was snapped up. The addition of such a famous new member to the company should help classical dance reach out beyond the purlieus of the elite to embrace even those whose cultural awareness has been hitherto confined to Sky Sports in the pub. He is expected to make his dancing debut in a production of Swan Lake which is scheduled for July 2011. Wayne Rooney will be dancing the prince. Sadly Margot Fonteyn is no longer with us, but I'm sure whoever is the Prima Ballerina for that historic production will go a long way to fulfilling his fantasies.

As regards the other great passion in his life, Wayne Rooney feels that the salary he can expect to earn as an internationally acclaimed star of the ballet will more than compensate him for any loss of earnings at Manchester, so he is signing for the little known, but friendly, club of Dagenham and Redbridge, which has it's base, and a loyal following in East London. He feels that he would rather give his services to help further the fortunes of a small football club than contribute to inflating the egos of any of the competing managers that operate at the higher levels of the game. In this decision he has my wholehearted backing.

He will be making his debut in his new club in January. If you want tickets for the match you need to contact Dagenham and Redbridge directly. They are expected to sell very briskly. He will, sadly for all the fans of brilliant football, be only playing on a part time basis. The greater part of his career is to be devoted to the Ballet, as this is his great love. We all wish him well.


The Wayne Rooney story is not ended yet.

Friday 22nd October 2010

It has just been announced that Wayne Rooney is signing a new five year contract with Man U. It looks like enthusiasts of classical ballet will have to wait another few years before they are treated to the sight of "La Rooney" pirouetting at Covent Garden. A spokesman for The Royal Ballet expressed disappointment, but said that the door would remain open to a dancer of his phenomenal grace and talent, should he change his mind. No comment has so far been offered by Dagenham and Redbridge Football club.

There is no suggestion at the present time that the enthusiasm for the classical ballet that is felt by Wayne has in any way diminished. He may be staying on for an extra period with his football club, but the cognoscenti of the great art of interpretative dance will, without doubt, yet get to see him decorate the stages of the great ballet theatres. Genius and passion such as he undoubtedly possesses cannot be long suppressed.

A spokesperson for the United manager told this writer that Sir Alex is delighted that Wayne Rooney has decided to stay in football for the present, but that when in the fullness of time the lad wants to give himself to the more artistic side of his nature, he will have the wholehearted support of everyone at Manchester United, and that a block booking of the entire two front rows at Covent Garden will be made, so that the entire team, and the coaching staff, will be on hand to add their cheers to the plaudits that will be, no doubt raining down on him, when he dances his debut.



The truth is in here

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Comments 4 comments

attemptedhumour profile image

attemptedhumour 6 years ago from Australia

Well i was taken on a merry dance, pity that blockheaded Rooney has signed a new contract as he could have asked posh to be his partner. She'd be lighter than his weekly wage packet and better looking than colleen. He's been holding up man u for a while now so Margot Fontayne would have been a sinch. Cheers mate i needed a good laugh.


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 6 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom Author

I think the same Wayne has been bringing everybody on a merry dance. As they used to say where I come from, "he's not as green as he's cabbage looking".


Nell Rose profile image

Nell Rose 6 years ago from England

Hi, I hate football but I loved this!lol My brother was ranting and raving about him this week! he, my brother not rooney, had to sell his house because of inheritance tax recently now he lives in a small flat, the thought of Shrek rooney getting all that money was driving him insane! what a waste of breath he is! , rooney not my brother! ha ha


christopheranton profile image

christopheranton 6 years ago from Gillingham Kent. United Kingdom Author

Poor old Wayne. He doesnt have the looks to become a "Gay Icon", but perhaps all that will change once he takes to the ballet stage. Thanks for reading Nell. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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