As the Olympics are going on with new records being set, I'm sure I have set a world record or two just in the last couple of days. It started out while I was in my high rise apartment overlooking the city. It was dusk and the view was so beautiful that I wanted to get a better look. I threw open the window and let about ten thousand mosquitoes in. They proceeded to bite me everywhere. With about three thousand bites on me, which I am sure is a record, I ran out the door trying to get away. Just before the staircase I tripped, which led to me to falling down 42 flights of stairs, which I'm sure is another record. Living on the 42nd floor does have it's disadvantages.
After stumbling out the front door, I ran out in the street and promptly got ran over by a Japanese tour bus full of Japanese tourists. They came flying out of the bus taking pictures of me from all angles and called me every name in the book for delaying their tour. All in Japanese of course. I'm sure there were a couple more records involved in that ordeal somewhere. After, climbing to my feet, I staggered into the park across the street and fell into the fish pond. Knowing my luck, someone had dumped a couple of piranhas in there as a joke. After a few bites, I did not think it was funny anymore. I came stumbling out of the pond right to a policeman with a ticket book in his hand. Writing me tickets for swimming in a no swimming zone, polluting the pond with my blood, and littering just in case he missed something. Then he shoved me back in the pond and left. After a few more piranha bites, I climbed out the other side just in time to meet my girlfriend who I was suppose to meet for dinner at the fancy restaurant.
After screaming at me for ten minutes for being late for dinner, she said she did not want to go anywhere with anyone looking the way I did and shoved me back in the pond. I was getting tired of this, so I bit a couple of the piranhas instead of them biting me, which I'm sure is a world record somewhere. It was quite dark when I got out of the pond this time and everybody knows what happens when you are alone in the park after dark. I got mugged. The muggers beat me, took my money, and threw me in the pond. By this time, I was thinking of becoming a fish.
Finally making it back to my apartment building, I find the elevator is out of order. After climbing back up 42 flights of stairs and entering my apartment, I forgot about the open window. Now there is at least one hundred thousand mosquitoes in my apartment, and just me. Dinner is served. Making it to the window and getting it shut, I found a can of bug spray underneath the sink. Quickly popping the cap off to spay in my defense, I sprayed myself right in the face. Choking, gagging, and half blind, I left the apartment with the intentions of moving out. The mosquitoes could have the place.
After crawling down the 42 flights of stairs to the lobby, I found a pay phone. Calling the owner up, I told him I was vacating the place and good riddance. This is when he informed me of the fine print in the contract that I signed. I signed a hundred year lease and if I moved out, I would have to cough up 50 million dollars. I was starting to have a bad day. Going down to the all night gun shop on the corner, I purchased a bazooka. After lugging it home and up the 42 flights of stairs, I blasted them mosquitoes. Who knew a bazooka would start a fire?
Sitting here in a jail cell for burning down my apartment building, I ask you, is this fair? The cell is full of mosquitoes and I think there must be at least one million charges against me. This must be a new world record which will probably never be broken. Help a guy out if you can by sending me money, lawyers and mosquito spray. Perhaps a new girlfriend would be nice also because I sure don't like the guys in here. They keep looking at me and saying they are going to set a new record with me, whatever that means.
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