Beard Season - The Best Time of the Year

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It's that time of year again when the leaves begin to change color and fall from the trees. Rain begins to soak the ground and leave you yearning for a warm fire. You call in sick to work because it's just too damn miserable to leave the house. You take a warm bath experimenting with your wife's various soaps and something called bath beads (not to be confused with anal beads), which contain a pleasant smelling fluid of some sort. You start wearing a robe because jeans have become civilized attire. You relax and listen to the rain pelting your window as you get loaded on Theraflu. You realize your look seems too bare for the horrible weather and it hits you. You feel enlightened to have discovered what every hipster inherently knows:

Function of the Beard

Growing a Beard serves many purposes:

  1. Increase Your Cool Factor - Perhaps you have poor fashion awareness and your dressy outfit consists of super tight plaid pants that lay 3 inches above your 1970s white loafers with a striped sweater that even a homeless man would throw away. Well grow out your beard and instantly you are the coolest kid on the block rocking the latest fashion trend.
  2. Stay Warm - Duh! A layer of greasy pubic like facial hair is sure to keep your face snuggly warm on those frosty mornings.
  3. Fend Off Intimacy - That's right, despite what every eager high-schooler tells you about how good your beard feels on their body, the truth is that is does not. It is tickly and sharp and scratchy and makes people keep their distance. So if kissless sex is your thing, then a beard is the guarantee to avoid face on face action.
  4. Status Update - You may now call yourself a hipster.
  5. Food Saver - I have experienced some amazing food surprises when my beard is at its longest, and I mean amazing. Full bites. Just imagine eating a pizza and 4 hours later when you are hungry you sweep across your beard to find that savory lukewarm piece of Italian sausage, buried away like some sort of secret treasure. Some say gross, I say gold mine.
  6. Friend Finder - Having a beard is like being part of a secret society. I remember being in the Castro and having this large burley man with one heck of a beard look over at me with mysterious eyes and nonverbally communicate his desire. That desire must have been friendship, and it was because I had a beard too.

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Beard Season History

Beard Season dates back to the time of cavemen when beard season lasted all year long. Then somewhere along the way some jerk ball invented the razor and all of a sudden grown men were la-di-da-ing through meadows, sucking on lemon grass and getting desk jobs. In recent history, the 1970s paved the way for a comeback with the very stylish mustache. Nothing says I work my ass off but also like to party more than a mustache. And today we have the hipster to thank for re-educating society that beards mean business. People are far less judgmental because now when they see someone with a beard they are unsure if it's a bum or the CEO of the hot new tech company in San Francisco. The beard truly equals equality for all.

How To Grow Your Very Own Beard

  1. See that pink razor in the shower with like 8 blades and some foam strip or something? Throw that right in the trash.
  2. Just go party and in a few short weeks you will see your beautiful beard sprouting with glee. If you're lucky enough to be related to Indiana Jones or Chuck Norris, you may only have to wait 5 minutes.
  3. Once your beard is at its desired length, give it a trim to keep it healthy and neat, or surprise people with a unique shape. Nothing says cool like sideburns in the shape of flames.


My Current Scraggle

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Comments 12 comments

kids-toy-box profile image

kids-toy-box 5 years ago

Awesome Article...personally I think the only guy who should be allowed a beard this time of the year (or any other time) is Santa!


lisa.bom 5 years ago

I loved reading this. It is so much like my husband. We live in the mountains of Colorado and my husband turns into Grizzly Adams, a mountain man from TV, during the winter.


bethperry profile image

bethperry 5 years ago from Tennesee

ROFLOL Loved this!


natures47friend profile image

natures47friend 5 years ago from Sunny Art Deco Napier, New Zealand.

You are funny....loved your hub...do they really keep your face warmer in the cold though? lol


Matt Stark profile image

Matt Stark 5 years ago from Albany, CA Author

Thanks for the comments everyone.

natures47friend - it actually does keep your face warm. I always notice when I shave how cold my face feels.


ithabise profile image

ithabise 5 years ago from Winston-Salem, NC

Ha!Ha! But seriously, I'm sick of companies telling me that my beard and facial hair are prohibited. It's natural and growing out of my head, and it's wrong? I'm about to explode over it! (And top row, no. 4...is that Osama? I'm sure that's a starfish in the top photo!) Oh yeah, nice scraggle yourself.


Ardie profile image

Ardie 4 years ago from Neverland

This was funny to me because it reminds me of my husband. He shaves all summer and as soon as colder weather hits he turns into a shaggy head. He even stops getting his hair cut as often so it covers his cold little neck! Thanks for a good read :)


Simone Smith profile image

Simone Smith 4 years ago from San Francisco

OMG!! CURSE MY DEARTH OF MALE HORMONES!! I would look so frickin' awesome with the Sparrow or the Anchor.

I love this Hub. And heck, your reasoning is incredibly sound. I was expecting some good natured fluff, but you've presented several very piratical, true, and compelling arguments! Bravo, sir.

Also, that first photo made my day.


David R Bradley profile image

David R Bradley 4 years ago from The Active Side of Infinity

All hail the beard! Here's my holiday facial hair (http://s3.amazonaws.com/adb/david_r_bradley/avatar... and in addition to Chuck Norris, let's not forget The Most Interesting Man In The World!


JayeWisdom profile image

JayeWisdom 4 years ago from Deep South, USA

I've always thought that most men would look better with a beard, though I'm too old-fashioned (or just too plain old) to get excited about the more esoteric varieties!


Mmargie1966 profile image

Mmargie1966 4 years ago from Gainesville, GA

I love facial hair on a man! I know, I know, I'm a rare breed. I just think it is so masculine. My dad always had a beard in the wintertime. Maybe that's why I like it so much.

However, Matt Stark, I don't think I can be included in the "Beard Season" celebration. Thank God!


hobbynob profile image

hobbynob 4 years ago

My man finally shaved his off and i almost hit him over the head with a frying pan thinking he was a creepy guy from the neighborhood!

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