You. Yes You. Buy A Clerical Cassock

You too could look this spiffing!

For a variety of reasons, I'm not allowed to be a part of the regular clergy. (An abiding doubt in a conscious creator is one of those reasons, the fact that I write things like this article is another one of those reasons.)

However, not actually being part of the clergy shouldn't stop you or me from buying and wearing a cassock. They're lovely garments, as comfortable as they are impressive to behold. Wearing a cassock creates an atmosphere of awe around oneself which can be leveraged in situations as varied as cutting in line at the supermarket to landing that dream job. If you can't assume power and abuse it, then what point is there in having it at all?

I assume that by now you have seen the excellent point I have here and are champing at the bit to add a cassock or two to your wardrobe. Cassocks come in a wide range of colors. Some clergy may be sworn to chastity, but that doesn't mean that they cannot adorn themselves in plumage brighter than a peacock. White, (but not after Labor Day,) black, red, purple, they are all available, and if you purchase a white cassock and some dye, you can effectively have any color cassock at all. If you're very creative you could have a tie dyed cassock, which would make you hip in 1964.

Religion has seen a downturn in recent years, but I believe that an upsurge in attendance could be attained if the cassock were to become a fashion item. For men who enjoy dresses, wearing a cassock provides a legitimate way to enjoy a socially approved dress, and for women, wearing a cassock is sure to be quite a conversation starter. It may also help to dissuade men from making unwanted advances. In fact, the next time you and your friends decide to have a girl's night out on the town (no men allowed,) why not all go wearing cassocks? Unless, of course, girl's nights out are simply a ruse that allows attached women to feel youthful and desirable again by putting themselves in situations in which drunken louts will make fumbling passes at them. But that's a cynical way of thinking of the time honored girl's night out and with a name like Hope, how can I indulge in cynicism?

Buy a cassock. It could be handy as a disguise, as a way to avoid taxes, as a means to garnering the respect from others that you can't be bothered earning and as a substitute for a bib if you forget yours on lobster night.

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Comments 5 comments

Philipo profile image

Philipo 6 years ago from Nigeria

Very nice but one will look funny and uncomfortable if you do not belong to the group.


Hope Alexander profile image

Hope Alexander 6 years ago Author

I disagree. I think one would look totally awesome.


Ulthar 5 years ago

I do believe you are one of the most amazing people ever to write a silly article. And a I want one now.


Crunk Dog 5 years ago

Its beautiful in any situation... like a catholic Hatem Alakeel.


JBaz 4 years ago

As one who wore a cassock for many years (legitimately), this is the most freaking hysterical article I've read in a long, long time! So acerbic! Brilliantly done, though I must say, since the kiddie-munching scandals, many of the perks have gone away.

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