Chest Tattoos - Are you ready for a chest Tattoo?
You see them at the beach, usually after a hurricane, tsunami, or flood. You see them at antique shows, but usually not on PBS's Antiques Road Show.
They're Chest Tattoos. A long and storied history underpins the 'tats' that we all know and love today. Tales of woe, betrayal, skepticism, and septicity dot the literal landscape of chests and tattoos. Read on, if you dare. It's all true, as far as you know.
The History of Chest Tattoos
Hundreds of years ago, chests were almost sacred. They mattered. Prodigious amounts of work went into even the simplest chest. Craftsmen toiled for hours just to carve the drawer handles. Electricity would not be invented for many generations. Home Depot stores throughout the countryside struggled to stay afloat; empty shelves awaited shipments of power tools that would not appear until at least the 1700s.
Furniture artisans were loathe to apply chest tattoos. They felt that adding a coiled snake or a girlfriend's name or crying gerbil to a lovingly crafted hunk of family heirloom was tantamount to heresy. The guilds stuck together on this; coffee table guilds were known to go on strike rather than dirty up a chest with a tattoo. Plumbing guilds would launch sympathy strikes, which certainly got the attention of chest tattoo aficionados and opponents.
All this changed when some self-important king took a fancy to a china cabinet that he happened to see floating in his moat. Evidently his soldiers had retrieved it from a Bohemian enclave down the road in the adjoining kingdom. We don't have precise details on the origin of the furniture; archeologists surmise that it was a 3 drawer upright piece with ivory knobs and perhaps a little lock on the front to keep the Bohemian kids out of the expensive dishware. Regardless of the precise nature of the item, it became the palace favorite. After cleaning off the detritus (it was floating in the moat, after all), the self-important king triggered a kingdom-wide fashion trend in wooden living room furniture. Every knight and rogue suddenly became enamored with chest tattoos. Existing chests were tattooed and new models in the guild showrooms were quickly retrofitted with garish artwork.
All was well in the furniture business until shipments of tattooed chests began arriving from furniture sweat shops in a neighboring kingdom. These cheap knockoffs caused the chest tattoo market to collapse. Many units suffered from misspellings and poor color combinations. Every knight and rogue saw the writing on the wall; chest tattoos quickly fell out of favor and the self-important king left his post to take a job on the lecture circuit. For many years, chest tattoos were only applied as a humorous attempt to make people forget about the cholera and dysentery.
The Current State of Chest Tattoos
Current day chest tattoo technology offers a myriad of opportunities to decorate living room, bedroom, family room, and rumpus room furniture. Modern society tends to be accepting of chests with or without tattoos. Culture adapts. PBS's Antiques Road Show refuses to recognize the growing trend toward chest tattoos, but it's only a matter of time.
Tattoo parlors in every city are equipped to apply chest tattoos, divan tattoos, hutch tattoos, keyhole desk tattoos, and Armoire tattoos. Load up your chest into your 1965 Chevy pickup truck and haul it to the Bohemian part of town; guys with tattoo guns are ready and willing to ink up your furniture.
Is it scary?
Yes, it's terrifying. Few among us want to be stabbed with myriads of little needles, regardless of the artistic outcome. It's better to stay home and watch Antiques Road Show than load oneself onto the pain train for the sake a pop culture trend. You may love it today and tomorrow it will look like someone punched you with a watercolor set.
We say: don't get a chest tattoo unless it's for a reality TV show or a fraternity pledge. Beyond that you are much better off shopping for furniture at IKEA and taking a chance on a Swedish Meatball. Don't say we didn't warn you.
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