Daily Weird #43 Umbrella? Funbrella? Just buy a raincoat!

With all the rain in our area lately I was ready to surgically implant an umbrella on top of my head. Just ask Susan sent me a picture and article about umbrellas that were better than the one I may regret having sticking out of my head for the rest of my life. These are a few of the umbrellas in that and other articles plus her excellent alternative-to-surgery suggestion.

1.) The Umbrella Flip-off: I’m all about this one as it completely reflects my deep inner attitude at seeing rain for 6 straight months. OK, it may only be 6 days, but after the 12th hour you just stop counting and start getting a little ticked off. I think I may stroll around with this until the rain clouds get the message and either stop with their boo-hooing, or send lightening down to take off my finger.

2.) The Umbrella Map: : This idea is to place a map with the local restaurants, bus stations, and restrooms on top of the umbrella. Excellent. Unfortunately, I'm not skilled at reading stuff bassackwards so I'd have to bring the umbrella down to look at the map on the top. If this came with a battery operated blow dryer it might be an option. Maybe it just needs to come with a second umbrella to hold while I'm reading the first one. Or...crazy idea here, maybe I could just buy an umbrella… and a local map.

3.) Handcuffs for an umbrella: Well, sure. This makes sense, there’s a high incidence of umbrella thievery all over the world. 80% of thefts are umbrella thefts(according to a guy who totally made this number up in his article).

Now, keep in mind this is still just a concept, as no one has yet figured out what to shackle the umbrella to during it’s not-being-used time. I could probably shackle it to my wrist, but most thieves just grab the umbrella as they run by and this could cause major damage to my umbrella-holding hand.

I suppose I could shackle it to other umbrellas, this way, if the thief grabs one umbrella, he’s grabbed them all. This won’t stop him from taking my umbrella, but it will make him easier to find.

I think I may just shackle the umbrella to the belt loop on my pants. Sure, it will mean I walk with a limp and leave a trail of water wherever I go, but by God those umbrella thieves will come up empty handed.

4.) The Geek with a Sword Umbrella: This one I may get just for all my awesome nerdy friends who live in a world that exists only in the mind of Terry Brooks and Terry Goodkind. (awesome writers, awesome world… yeah, I’m a geek too… hush) While we’re walking around in our kilts, holding our shields upright, and being ever alert for the danger that awaits us just outside the dragon's lair, we can also be ready to slay that dragon.

This excellent umbrella looks just like a sword and is sure to scare off all fake dragons as well as any other "knight in homemade armor" we may come up against while fighting our way to the lair to save the princess and or prince. (I’m going to save the prince. I’m not going to date him though, who wants to date a guy who can’t save himself? Personally, I think the same should apply to princesses!)

5.) Make your own umbrella: I like going green. With this umbrella kit I can use recycled newspapers to make my own umbrella. Of course, once I use the recycled newspapers I have to throw them away, making them no longer recycled. Wouldn’t it be better if I bought an umbrella that would last for 20 years?

6.) The UFO umbrella: I don’t think this umbrella is for me. I’m going to say this one is mostly for kids, and people going on a blind date.

The kids will think it's all kinds of fun (until a bully beats them up for looking like an idiot).

People on blind dates will find out the shallow factor of the other person within seconds.

They should probably call this umbrella the “truth-a-nator”.

Maybe I'll get one of these after all. It would make a great Christmas gift for people I wouldn't mind to see single for the rest of their lives. 

7.) The Umbrella Dweeb: This is the umbrella that started it all. Yes, this umbrella is the one Susan suggested instead of the implant. I believe her thinking was somewhat along the following lines:

“Yes, you will look like a total doofus, yes it will make eating and walking difficult and yes, people will most likely laugh and point, but it will not be surgically implanted, so you can remove it at the end of the day.”

I guess I could also remove it when the rain stopped. I could, but it looks pretty cozy, I might not want to. Thanks, Susan. Do you know me or what?

8.) The Double Umbrella: I don’t know how well this umbrella would work for me as I’m usually running through the rain by myself. Since there are two handles, I know I’m going to feel obligated to grab a hold of both of them. I’d hate for one to feel slighted. I can see myself running down the street while awkwardly holding on to both handles. The neighbor’s would be impressed by my fairness-in-holding factor, but maybe not so much by my falling-in-the-mud-puddles factor. Although the kids in the neighborhood would be entertained, which is really important on rainy days.

9.) The Internet Umbrella: This would be awesome if I didn’t mind getting run over by the traffic I know I’ll walk right into while looking at the screen on the top of my umbrella.

My facebook status: Susan is lying smashed under a horse and buggy due to multitasking.

10.) The Shoe Umbrella: Lastly, we come to the shoe umbrella. I love this idea. I think maybe it will be the only umbrella I buy. I can walk into a store soaking wet… but my shoes will be completely dry. Awesome. I think I may buy these just as accessories whether it’s raining or not.

“How’s the weather?”

“Don’t know don’t care, my shoes are covered.”

Although, in fairness, these seem to only keep your toes dry and looks more ridiculous than the UFO umbrella. Soooo, not practical at all, and I’ll look completely insane wearing them.

Yep, this is my choice!!

Thanks again to Just ask Susan for the great idea, and to anyone who has made it this far into the article. Your stamina is mind-blowing.