For God's Sake, Man, Shave Already!

THIS IS A "5 O' CLOCK" MAN . . .

SEE HOW HE STARES AT US, OVER HIS SHOULDER IN SOME SELF-MADE, SELF-IMPORTANT POSE? THIS TO ME IS PATHETIC. WHY WE ALLOW GROWTH ON A MAN'S FACE TO PLACE HIM FAR AND ABOVE THE REST OF US MORTALS.
SEE HOW HE STARES AT US, OVER HIS SHOULDER IN SOME SELF-MADE, SELF-IMPORTANT POSE? THIS TO ME IS PATHETIC. WHY WE ALLOW GROWTH ON A MAN'S FACE TO PLACE HIM FAR AND ABOVE THE REST OF US MORTALS.

More Examples of "5 O'Clock Men" . . .

DONT YOU THINK THAT SOCCER GREAT, DAVID BECKAM IS A BETTER PLAYER NOW THAT HE HAS FORGOTTEN HOW TO SHAVE?
DONT YOU THINK THAT SOCCER GREAT, DAVID BECKAM IS A BETTER PLAYER NOW THAT HE HAS FORGOTTEN HOW TO SHAVE?
YEAH. TAKE IT EASY, BUDDY. NO WORK FOR YOU TODAY. OR TOMORROW. FOR YOU ARE IN THE ELITE GROUP, "5 O' CLOCK MEN," WHO MAKE A GOOD LIVING WITH THEIR FACIAL HAIR.
YEAH. TAKE IT EASY, BUDDY. NO WORK FOR YOU TODAY. OR TOMORROW. FOR YOU ARE IN THE ELITE GROUP, "5 O' CLOCK MEN," WHO MAKE A GOOD LIVING WITH THEIR FACIAL HAIR.
"5 O'CLOCK MEN" HAVE TAKEN OVER CORPORATE AMERICA. WHAT A SHAME. I RECALL A TIME WHEN MEN WERE CLEAN SHAVEN. WHAT HAPPENED, FOLKS?
"5 O'CLOCK MEN" HAVE TAKEN OVER CORPORATE AMERICA. WHAT A SHAME. I RECALL A TIME WHEN MEN WERE CLEAN SHAVEN. WHAT HAPPENED, FOLKS?
FOOD TASTES BETTER WITH A "5 O'CLOCK SHADOW," SAYS THIS WELL-PAID FOOD MODEL.
FOOD TASTES BETTER WITH A "5 O'CLOCK SHADOW," SAYS THIS WELL-PAID FOOD MODEL.
IT'S EASY FOR "5 O' CLOCK" MEN TO GET PRETTY GIRLS TO REST UNDERNEATH TREES WITH THEM. ALL HE HAS TO DO IS SCRATCH HIS CHIN AND SHE BECOMES POWERLESS TO HIS FACIAL CHARMS.
IT'S EASY FOR "5 O' CLOCK" MEN TO GET PRETTY GIRLS TO REST UNDERNEATH TREES WITH THEM. ALL HE HAS TO DO IS SCRATCH HIS CHIN AND SHE BECOMES POWERLESS TO HIS FACIAL CHARMS.
YEAH, FRIEND. LADIES WILL LET YOU RUN OVER THEM IF . . .YOU HAVE A RESEMBLANCE OF A BEARD.
YEAH, FRIEND. LADIES WILL LET YOU RUN OVER THEM IF . . .YOU HAVE A RESEMBLANCE OF A BEARD.
NO, NOT TODAY, BUDDY. IF YOU HAD SHAVEN THIS MORNING, MAYBE I WOULD HAVE BOUGHT THE SWAMP LAND IN ARIZONA YOU ARE SELLING.
NO, NOT TODAY, BUDDY. IF YOU HAD SHAVEN THIS MORNING, MAYBE I WOULD HAVE BOUGHT THE SWAMP LAND IN ARIZONA YOU ARE SELLING.
THAT'S IT, PAL. LOOK COCKY AT US. SHOW OFF THAT GROWTH ON YOUR FACE. MAN, AM I IMPRESSED.
THAT'S IT, PAL. LOOK COCKY AT US. SHOW OFF THAT GROWTH ON YOUR FACE. MAN, AM I IMPRESSED.

I REALLY HATE TO come off sounding like I sit around my house all day finding things to complain about. I don't. When you see me in person you will automatically realize that I am a "live and let live" person. I don't awaken sleeping dogs. I let them lie. I am not in favor of making waves. Rocking the boat. Going against the grain. I'm an "all for one and one for all" type of guy who loves to be left alone, unhampered, to live his life in a quiet, peaceful way.

BUT MANY TIMES something, or in this case, someone, comes along to torment me day and night and I can take it. Up to a point. I can keep my mouth shut in order to keep down confusion and shatter the pseudo peace we all believe we have in America. I have on numerous occasions, agreed with people, even though they were dead-wrong, just to avoid a confrontation. I hate confrontations. To have one come at me. Or initiate one against anyone. This is what makes this story so hard to share.

AND TO MAKE MY STAND VERY CLEAR I want to address an elite. Cocky. Self-assured. Self-absorbed. Self-important group of guys in America who have all but caused me to have a cardiac arrest due to the aggravation that they cause when I see them on television in ads for things I either can't afford or want. EXAMPLE: The men's cologne BLUE, from Chanel. There is always a guy, with a "Five O'Clock shadow," hair gelled and bed-headed up. Looking non-caring at the extras in the ad playing as reporters. One hot girl "reporter" has asked "Mr. 5 O'Clock Shadow" a question. How do I know this? Because he looks confused. Unable to answer. And the question wasn't hard to begin with. This stylish. Cocky. Self-centered piece of work simply says in his spoiled-brat fashion, "I'm not gonna be the person I'm expected to be anymo," and walks away tearing down the set with his lanky frame. Just to sell me, and you, fella, a bottle of overly-priced cologne. The Chanel Company could have saved me the torture of seeing this prima donna and just showed the cologne with a voice-over, "Kenneth Avery, buy this cologne named BLUE today," and that would have been that.

BUT YOU SEE IT'S NOT the cologne. The hot girl "reporter." Or even the mind-twisting music in the background of this ad. It's the soft-shelled, "Five O'Clock Man," and his pack of nearly-shaved buddies who are running wild in our country--here and there. Near and far. Making themselves at home without being asked. Just because of their choice of not to shave for days. And days. Oh now don't misunderstand. The "Five O'Clock Men," do not have full-beards. No. That would entail too much labor. The "Five O'Clock Men," just have small patches on their chins and up each side of their faces to just "give" the illusion of being bearded. I'd be willing to give anyone $100.00 cash to introduce me to the person who said "Five O'Clock Men," were American men defined. Honest to God. I am so weary of seeing the "Five O'Clock Men" everywhere I go. Read. Or eat. They are there. As customers. Employees. Or in an ad on someoone's Tablet or IPad. Frankly, I have had it with these "Five O'Clock Men." And if I do not get some form of relief, I am concerned at what might happen to me. Tension-related heart attack? Maybe. Clinical depression? Already suffering that. I know. I might cave and start allowing my own face to become unshaven to just "play the game" so as to not offend the thousands of men and women who flock after The "Five O'Clock Men."

I PRESENT MY PERSONAL REASONS AS TO WHY "FIVE O'CLOCK MEN" DO NOT SHAVE

  1. Laziness - when you are making bales of money for NOT shaving, why shave?

  2. Image - is everything, someone once said. But why unshaven? Has the day already arrived where us men who still shave will have to bow out of the "Five O'Clock Men's" way?

  3. Girls - supposedly love the "Five O'Clock Men." Just look at superstar actor, Colin Farrell. He always appears in public unshaven. So does Brad "love god" Pitt, Dane Cook and sometimes Roseanne Barr, who only does this for needed-attention. Farrell, Pitt and Cook do it for the girls they can get with just one wink.

  4. Contractual Obligations - to the ad agencies who tell these non-confrontational "men" that they HAVE to wear facial hair or not get paid. I might cut them some slack on this one.

And I'm just getting started with this facial rant. I mean, isn't it enough that these super-famous, wealthy men, young and old alike, have already beaten us regular "Joe's" out of everything we had going on in our own country, now they have to add goatees to injury by acting like shaving is an obsolete thing of the past. Hey, Gillette Shaving Products, my favorite men's shaving company, take this is an early-warning. If the "Five O'Clock Men," have their way, your razor and shaving gel sales will soon plummet. Then you know what that means. Lay-offs. Slow-downs and more unemployment for the Republican Party to use against (current) president Obama. I can see the hand scratching the chin. And writing on the wall. It's almost like "dooms day," friends. Our placid and beautiful country taken-over by The "Five O'Clock Men."

CAST OF BONANZA.
CAST OF BONANZA.
JOHNNY CASH.
JOHNNY CASH.
VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN
VICE PRESIDENT JOE BIDEN
THE LOVELY, CHARMING MARTHA MADISON.
THE LOVELY, CHARMING MARTHA MADISON.
PAUL NEWMAN.
PAUL NEWMAN.
KATHY LEE GIFFORD.
KATHY LEE GIFFORD.

Here is my personal

"List of Celebrities Who Wouldn't Look Good

With Five O'Clock Shadows."

I mean, let's be real here. Real honest with each other. Some celebrities, such as the ones I mentioned in the above story, are meant for wearing stubble and growth on their faces. Some celebrities are not. It's just that plain. Really simple, if you think about it.

1. Cast of Bonanza

2. Johnny Cash

3. Vice president, Joe Biden

4. Martha Madison

5. Paul Newman

6. Kathy Lee Gifford

These are but a handful of superstar-celebrities who "I" not only think, but know that they wouldn't have much of a career, (those who are still living), if they chose to do as the "Five O'Clock Men," and let their facial hair grow wild as the starving dogs of the Saran-Ghetti.

There would be no possible way that "I" could view one of their television shows or movies without cringing. Hey, I will go a step farther. In Kathy Lee Gifford's former-position as co-host of Regis and Kathy Lee, I can see Regis Philbin with a goatee and facial stubble. This extra touch might lend that "extra something" to his waning career.

All in all, I've had my say. My saddle is free from the cockle burr that had lodged itself under my behind. I feel somewhat better now that this story is ending. But I am not backing up, or down, on my views of the "Five O'Clock Men," for I can rest easy on the fact that I am a relic. A throw-back to the "Old School" (and not the hit movie with Will Farrel," where guys were not only taught to shave when they became young men, but they actually wanted to look good when they went out in public.

And one last bit of comfort I share with you. If I choose to shave everyday. Every other day. One day a week. Or two weeks each year. That's up to me.

I love looking presentable. Decent. And not a fear to little children in restaurants when I dine out. And even if the "Five O'Clock Men," and their beauty technicians and hairdressers were to come to my house, stick a blow dyer in my face and threaten to use it on me if I didn't become aligned with "Five O'Clock Men," then I'd just have to say,

"Go ahead. 'Blow away.'


THIS IS WHAT "5 O' CLOCK" MEN FEAR

A SUPER-SHARP STRAIGHT RAZOR. THIS IS LIKE KRYPTONITE TO SUPERMAN. THIS DEVICE CAN LEAVE A MAN'S FACE SMOOTH AS A NEWBORN BABY'S BEHIND.
A SUPER-SHARP STRAIGHT RAZOR. THIS IS LIKE KRYPTONITE TO SUPERMAN. THIS DEVICE CAN LEAVE A MAN'S FACE SMOOTH AS A NEWBORN BABY'S BEHIND.

More by this Author


Comments 20 comments

cclitgirl profile image

cclitgirl 4 years ago from Western NC

Haha. Well, I must say, the part about "girls like 5 o'clock shadows" well, yes, I love that on my honey. Hehehe. Entertaining hub. You're right about all the people that WOULDN'T look good with 5 o'clock hair. For sure. Voted up, funny and SHARING.


MP50 4 years ago

LMAO, havn't laughed so much in ages kenneth avery. Brilliant Hub and so true.

Thank You for sharing, voted up funny and socially shared..:)


shea duane profile image

shea duane 4 years ago from new jersey

So funny! BUT don't you think Hoss would make a great Santa? ... and he'd have to start with a 5:00 o'clock shadow. (But I've heard 5:00 o'clock is a long time coming at the ol' ponderosa!)


hoteltravel profile image

hoteltravel 4 years ago from Thailand

Kenneth, I like your take on ads. Instead of parading these so-called epitomes of beauty, companies can ask us just simple and straight to buy their products. In my case at least, it will work. Another masterpiece from you to blow away the cobwebs on a dull mid-week morning. Voting up and funny.


Sueswan 4 years ago

Hi Kenneth,

I like the clean shaven look but the five o'clock shadow can be sexy as long as it doesn't become the six, seven and eight o'clock shadow. LOL

Beyond a shadow of a doubt, this is a very amusing hub.

Voted up up and away!

Enjoy your day. :)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, cclitgirl, a warm THANK YOU for your lovely remark. And votes. I sincerely appreciate YOU taking the time out of your day to comment on this one that was finished in a "shave of the moment," for I almost, near the end, lost my original train of thought. And one absolute in life I KNOW: Martha Madison with a facial grownth...no way. Absolutely no way.

Thanks again.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

A SINCERE THANK YOU TO: MP50 for the comment and social share. Plus the gracious comments. I should read your hubs. Think I will. You sound like a terrific writer. Have a great day.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

My Dear Shea...Yes. You are 100% right. Hoss would have made a fantastic Santa. Wonder why the writers of Bonanza never had an episode with him doing that? Thanks, my dear friend, for always giving me food for hubbing.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hello, hoteltravel, and I too, wish the major companies in the US would simply do that. ASK us to buy their creams, lotions, socks, and phones. Save the huge vanity salaries on prima donnas and let US choose what we want to purchase. Long live the American Consumer!!!!

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest Sueswan,

Loved that line, "beyond a shadow of a doubt," in your comment. Very clever. Very appreciated. You have a great day and who knows? This might be the day for a "5 O'Clock Man," to open the door for you. Be aware.

Kenneth


RGNestle profile image

RGNestle 4 years ago from Seattle

Maybe Kathy Lee. Hmmm. Yeah, maybe.


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

As usual you have given me my laugh for the say, Kenneth! I agree...shave already! It's such a messy, in between look...either shave or grow a beard!


shea duane profile image

shea duane 4 years ago from new jersey

RGNestle may be right...


greatstuff profile image

greatstuff 4 years ago from Malaysia

Hi Kenneth, interesting observation and comment..so what do I do with my moustache and beard now? hahahaha


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

RG, please, NOT Kathy Lee! Britney Spears, yes. Let's leave Kathy Lee be. Thanks for the comment and the visit. Come back soon.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Thank you, Catgypsy...for your sweet comment that humbled me. I do appreciate YOU and ALL OF MY Valued Followers so much that I shaved before I wrote these comments.

Honest. Just look at the photo of ME.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Shea . . .with all due respect, NO. Kathy Lee wouldn't look good with a "Five O'clock Shadow," but Nancy Grace would. And so would Jane Valez-Mitchell...the two CNN "Champions for American Vigalantism," when Casey Anthony was found innocent by a jury of her peers.

Please, let's talk Britney Spears into a goatee. Her ex, K-Federline wore one.

Kenneth


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, greatstuff . . .a beard and moustache well-trimmed and groomed like yours is, Im assuming, is great. But for these halfway-men with Five O clock Shadows...just shave or grow a full beard. No room for nearly-do its in the world we live. Right?

I wonder if these guys halfway father a child?

Kenneth


catgypsy profile image

catgypsy 4 years ago from the South

Haha! You're definitely not the five o'clock shadow type of man...too honest and gentlemanly...and that's a good thing!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Monday, February 20

DEAR catgypsy,

thank YOU so MUCH for the sweet compliment. I really mean it. Never been called gentlemanly in my life. Thank you for that. I shall keep your comments in my heart for safe keeping.

Kenneth

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working