Garter Belts For The Manly Man

This garter belt can be found at
This garter belt can be found at

Every manly man occasionally needs a place to hang various tools and gadgets. Sometimes, a man will wear a tool belt for this purpose, but wearing a tool belt out in public can result in unsolicited requests to fix things, and depending on your location and terror level alert, arrest. Most things worn on a tool belt could easily be used for malicious purposes and as nobody trusts anybody anymore, tool belts should only ever be worn in the privacy of your own home, with all the curtains drawn so that no passersby look in your windows and feel threatened.

A garter belt, by sharp and lacy contrast, is worn under the clothes, and is therefore entirely undetectable unless you happen to be walking through an x-ray machine, which is ridiculous, why would anyone walk through an x-ray machine that strips away their dignity in a public fashion?   Surely not because of public hysteria about events that seemed suspiciously staged around Christmas time 2009?  What kind of mad world would we be living in if one half-wit managed to change the face of international air travel for millions of people worldwide? The very idea is preposterous and therefore, cannot possibly be real. I shall therefore, for the purposes of this article, assume that nobody reading it would ever submit to such an undignified and indeed, ridiculous measure.

Garter belts are therefore, undetectable under everyday clothing, however they are still quite useful for holding things you need, like stockings. A tool belt may allow you to hang a hammer on it, but will your stocking clip to it as if they were made to do so? I think not! A garter belt can be used to carry small, light, but useful items, like a bunch of one dollar bills. Some women carry copious amounts of one dollar bills about in their garter belts, thus eliminating the need to carry a wallet. Imagine how streamlined your life will be when instead of pulling out a wallet and foraging through it for cash or credit cards, you simply reach into your pants and pull out wads of dollar bills. I can't think of any person, male or female, who wouldn't be impressed by that.

In much the same way a tool belt fills a man with the feeling of self sufficiency and self reliance, a garter belt fills a man with the joys of life. Whilst wearing a garter belt, one can always consider oneself well dressed, even if one is otherwise wearing filthy dung covered overalls, or perhaps more shamefully, a TSA uniform.

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Comments 4 comments

Misha profile image

Misha 6 years ago from DC Area

Yeah, could be handy for my tools ;)

qp 6 years ago

I tried a garter belt from Target, but the clip parts on it were not very good.

Cyndie_D 6 years ago

Such a joyful idea

Mike 6 years ago

"Surely not because of public hysteria about events that seemed suspiciously staged around Christmas time 2009? "

Glad you saw through that absurd bit of fear theater. It's pretty well established at this point that it was a staged event -- check out the testimony of Kurt Haskell.

Now the new threat, we're told, is bombs in breast implants. Somewhere in you, Hope, is some scathing exposure of that nonsense....

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