Handbag-Fu, The Gentlemanly Art of Self Defense By Accessory

Many men are starting to see the value in carrying a handbag, or as some men like to call it, a 'man-bag'. Whilst the homogenization of dress is inevitable, so to is the continuation of the human penchant for random acts of satisfying violence. A man who carries a hand bag may find that he is more often singled out for acts of violence, as the average thug lacks the brain power to realize that even though a man might be wearing a dress, he nevertheless is fully equipped with an entirely male physique.

Handbag-Fu is the natural result of thousands of years of martial arts wisdom distilled through the medium of the handbag. When used correctly, a handbag is not only a stylish and covenient method of traipsing about the planet with more worldly goods than one could possibly have any kind of need for, it is also a deadly weapon when weilded in well manicured, yet competent hands.

The practitioner of handbag-fu should always take care to ensure that the ridiculously long shoulder strap that handbags come with remains attatched to the handbag at all times. Many handbags come with a shoulder strap that has the handbag hanging at about knee height, which is incredibly useless if you happen to be a dainty female, but perfect for the manly handbag-fu practitioner. Why so? As we are all well aware, when swung about one's head, the handbag will have considerably more force behind it if it is swung with a longer strap. A short strap is entirely useless for the handbag-fu practitioner, and a handbag swung with a short strap has virtually no chance of bringing down a criminal miscreant fleeing in the opposite direction. Properly handled however, a handbag is capable of bringing a 300 pound man down at 200 paces.

Handbag-Fu also requires correct weighting. Female handbag carriers have known for years that a handbag should be stuffed to the brim with all manner of items and objects. Observing this from a distance, many men laughed and believed that women were too silly to pare down the weight they carried around with them. Handbag-fu practitioners know differently however, they are well aware that a handbag stuffed with books, liquid cosmetics, bottles of purified spring water and iron filings makes for a an excellent blunt weapon. When swung by the little handle, the one that is inevitably riveted on with chunky industrial strength rivets, a handbag becomes the socially acceptable equivalent of a brick in a stocking.

Handbag-Fu is powerful. Are you man enough to master it?

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Comments 4 comments

Nanciboy 6 years ago

My five bags all have cross body straps so they hit at the hip. I try not to weigh them down too much with stuff but they were sized to carry a regular trade paperback book. Never thought of iron filings though. :)


pauls_boat 6 years ago

my bag is so stuffed that if i hit some one with it i would get prosecuted with using a deadly weapon.

i have been carrying a bag since i was in germany in 1980 and never leave home without it.

why some men have there pockets stuffed with all maner of items when they could just have one bag amazese me when they change clothes they have to empty out all the pockets and then when they are out they say i left my wallet in my other pants can you pay please, time to wake up get a bag and keep everything in one place


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breakfastpop 6 years ago

Real men can do anything.


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Chris_S 6 years ago from Texas

I don't know about the self-defense aspect but I sure love my purse! I wear it across my chest and it hangs about at my hip. Decided to start carrying one two years ago to keep all my stuff plus my pants don't have pockets and they wouldn't hold everything if they did. And come to think of it, it is heavy enough to smack someone in the head!

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