If You Aren’t Actually In Yoga Class Right Now What The Hell Are You Doing Wearing Yoga Pants?
Before you gals start your own tirade about how yoga pants are the new tights that became leggings I’m going to stop you, if you aren’t actually in yoga class right now what the hell are you doing wearing yoga pants? – Don’t Get Me Started!
I don’t know what bitchy queen with a penchant for Lycra decided to send this new “out of the gym and into the street” fashion to us but whoever he is he’s done a disservice not only to women but to those of us who have to look at them. Dear God women, can you really think that when you’re wearing pants that are that clingy and tight that we’re not going to think about slicing a banana on that cottage cheese that would normally just look like the back of your legs in regular pants? (Believe me, no sexual connotation intended)
Recently I have seen more and more women out and about with these yoga pants on and I’ve yet to find a reason as to why the hell they’re wearing them out in public. While I’m waiting in line at Starbucks I find that I cannot take my eyes off of the length of the yoga pants in front of me. Why am I looking at the length you ask? Because in almost every case there is so much fabric up the woman’s ass that she must have bought them in a longer length to make up for all that her what we call “eatin’ butt” was going to consume. If she turns around I suddenly feel like a gynecologist as her “lips” cannot only clearly be seen but as she moves it’s as if they’re talking some foreign language that I don’t want to learn. Like a bad accident or drunken celebrity (often the same thing) I cannot seem to look away. Meanwhile the expression on my face is no doubt one of disgust and there’s probably a head shake coming your way ladies.
Stop all ready with the whole, “it’s comfortable” bullshit. I don’t care if it’s comfortable to you the rest of the world is not comfortable having to see every flaw of your body wrapped in lilac Lycra Cling Wrap! And don’t tell me you don’t care what other people think. Just because you have no sense you can’t expect the rest of us to give up ours. If the circus went down the street you’d look whether they cared or not, well you are officially the circus with these pants on so unless you’re going to ride a horse bareback or be shot out of a cannon, don’t expect the rest of us to take the high road (or high wire I guess in this case).
Not only are your flared bottom yoga pants ugly on you and border on something you would see if you went on a website to see people who get off by having their bodies dipped in Latex, they are normally worn with some ratty t-shirt with an Asian symbol on it that you have no idea what it means. I think the symbol means, “Fuck being WITH stupid, I AM stupid.” But then again, that’s just a hunch. The whole, “look at me, I’m an ooly bazooly mystical creature who doesn’t just take yoga but lives it” makes me want to wretch (and normally because you’re wearing too much patchouli to hide the fact you don’t shave your underarms or haven’t used a real soap product to wash yourself or your clothes in a thousand years). But the yoga pants aren’t just for those who actually have been to a yoga class anymore, oh no, it seems that you don’t have to take a class to be entitled to wear them, you just have to have no sense of yourself or fashion. Perfect.
What was once the big head shaker, overweight people in crop tops with their “muffin tops” hanging out all over God’s creation, has now gotten a pair of pants to finish off the look! Please, please ladies, I know you want to be comfortable. I know you want to be “on trend.” But come on, the next time you slither your way into a pair of these pants I ask you to just stop for a moment and find a mirror in your home (full length). Take a look at yourself. Does your vagina look like a satin “lips” shaped pillow that would be on the bed of a porn star? Do the pants look as though they’re made of searsucker because of your less than toned legs? Turn around. Is your ass eating more fabric than is the recommended daily yardage intake? Be honest, is this really a good look for you? Okay, let me tell you, it isn’t so take it off and put something else on because , if you aren’t actually in yoga class right now what the hell are you doing wearing yoga pants? – Don’t Get Me Started!
Read More Scott @ www.somelikeitscott.com
More by this Author
I know this will shock many of you (as it has shocked me) that for years (yes, years) I have not received an International Male catalog. I almost thought they must be out of business. For those six people who are...
Here I thought that there would be certain phrases that we would never have to hear again. You know, like "Cowabunga" from when the Simpsons first came out or "What's uaaaaaaaaaaap?" from that...