If You Aren’t Actually In Yoga Class Right Now What The Hell Are You Doing Wearing Yoga Pants?

 

Before you gals start your own tirade about how yoga pants are the new tights that became leggings I’m going to stop you, if you aren’t actually in yoga class right now what the hell are you doing wearing yoga pants? – Don’t Get Me Started!

I don’t know what bitchy queen with a penchant for Lycra decided to send this new “out of the gym and into the street” fashion to us but whoever he is he’s done a disservice not only to women but to those of us who have to look at them. Dear God women, can you really think that when you’re wearing pants that are that clingy and tight that we’re not going to think about slicing a banana on that cottage cheese that would normally just look like the back of your legs in regular pants? (Believe me, no sexual connotation intended)

Recently I have seen more and more women out and about with these yoga pants on and I’ve yet to find a reason as to why the hell they’re wearing them out in public. While I’m waiting in line at Starbucks I find that I cannot take my eyes off of the length of the yoga pants in front of me. Why am I looking at the length you ask? Because in almost every case there is so much fabric up the woman’s ass that she must have bought them in a longer length to make up for all that her what we call “eatin’ butt” was going to consume. If she turns around I suddenly feel like a gynecologist as her “lips” cannot only clearly be seen but as she moves it’s as if they’re talking some foreign language that I don’t want to learn. Like a bad accident or drunken celebrity (often the same thing) I cannot seem to look away. Meanwhile the expression on my face is no doubt one of disgust and there’s probably a head shake coming your way ladies.

Stop all ready with the whole, “it’s comfortable” bullshit. I don’t care if it’s comfortable to you the rest of the world is not comfortable having to see every flaw of your body wrapped in lilac Lycra Cling Wrap! And don’t tell me you don’t care what other people think. Just because you have no sense you can’t expect the rest of us to give up ours. If the circus went down the street you’d look whether they cared or not, well you are officially the circus with these pants on so unless you’re going to ride a horse bareback or be shot out of a cannon, don’t expect the rest of us to take the high road (or high wire I guess in this case).

Not only are your flared bottom yoga pants ugly on you and border on something you would see if you went on a website to see people who get off by having their bodies dipped in Latex, they are normally worn with some ratty t-shirt with an Asian symbol on it that you have no idea what it means. I think the symbol means, “Fuck being WITH stupid, I AM stupid.” But then again, that’s just a hunch. The whole, “look at me, I’m an ooly bazooly mystical creature who doesn’t just take yoga but lives it” makes me want to wretch (and normally because you’re wearing too much patchouli to hide the fact you don’t shave your underarms or haven’t used a real soap product to wash yourself or your clothes in a thousand years). But the yoga pants aren’t just for those who actually have been to a yoga class anymore, oh no, it seems that you don’t have to take a class to be entitled to wear them, you just have to have no sense of yourself or fashion. Perfect.

What was once the big head shaker, overweight people in crop tops with their “muffin tops” hanging out all over God’s creation, has now gotten a pair of pants to finish off the look! Please, please ladies, I know you want to be comfortable. I know you want to be “on trend.” But come on, the next time you slither your way into a pair of these pants I ask you to just stop for a moment and find a mirror in your home (full length). Take a look at yourself. Does your vagina look like a satin “lips” shaped pillow that would be on the bed of a porn star? Do the pants look as though they’re made of searsucker because of your less than toned legs? Turn around. Is your ass eating more fabric than is the recommended daily yardage intake? Be honest, is this really a good look for you? Okay, let me tell you, it isn’t so take it off and put something else on because , if you aren’t actually in yoga class right now what the hell are you doing wearing yoga pants? – Don’t Get Me Started!

Read More Scott @ www.somelikeitscott.com

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Comments 13 comments

Non-coffee drinker  5 years ago

Have you ever considered that your whole life would be so much improved if you just stopped going to Starbucks? Seriously... Think about how much angst you seem to generate just from standing in line there.


DougM 5 years ago

Haha! Please don't discourage Scott from going to Starbucks, his honesty is definitely fresher than that damn coffee! I must admit I thought this was a bit harsh, but the comparison of these pants to those giant red pillow lips had me falling off the couch!


Amber 5 years ago

Quit whining! I'm in Pahrump today...it's Friday, it's the end of the month, and after work I have to meet my aunt at...Walmart. Just fucking shoot me now.


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somelikeitscott 5 years ago from Las Vegas Author

Non-coffee and DougM - I actually did get off the crack, I mean, Starbucks at one point but then I decided to get back on the rollercoaster and now officially have instead of a monkey on my back (as they used to say about heroin), I have Juan Valdez on my back (and probably his damn donkey)! Thanks for coming to my defense Doug! I actually usually use Starbucks as it's just a relatable place, not all events are actual or take place in Starbucks but I will try to broaden my references in the future non-coffee!

Amber - Better you than me! Is it wrong to say that? Oh well, just did!Hang in there baby!


Earth Angel profile image

Earth Angel 5 years ago

Geeeeeeze Scott, I thought I looked pretty good in my yoga pants in public? No! Does this mean I should rethink my new "pajama-jeans" as well?? Blessings always, EarthAngel! (Who only appears in public properly attired!)


lisadpreston profile image

lisadpreston 5 years ago from Columbus, Ohio

Scott- Dealing with the harsh realities of politics and social matters of big concern on a daily basis due to the profession that I love, and I say this hesitantly, I get depressed, discouraged, angry, suicidal, and homicidal. But then I come to you! I get to see the nonsensical humor of everyday bullshit that you somehow convey in a mannner that makes me laugh and forget the really fucked up world. The silly things that ordinary, if you will, people do on a daily basis is not much thought about other than a passing headshake for the moment until you put light on the subject. You are a gem, Scott, and thank you for the distraction that I so much need along with the hearty laugh. You dry my tears and make everything all better!


Amber 5 years ago

It's Saturday. I'm still in Pahrump. I stopped at Starbucks (it's in Alberstons, if you ever find yourself "over the hump") and the guy in front of me was wearing pajama pants. Yes, it was early, but still...dude. I'm at work now---thank god we're closed for the day.


somelikeitscott profile image

somelikeitscott 5 years ago from Las Vegas Author

EA - I don't worry about you in the dressing department!

Lisa- Thank you for your generous comments and taking the time to read and laugh with me!

Amber - Remain calm and breathe!


Research Analyst profile image

Research Analyst 5 years ago

ROFL, I am so glad you brought this up, doesn't society know that leggings are NOT pants and it is just so unflattering on the majority of woman who choose to wear them in public.


DougM 5 years ago

I just saw a news segment about those snuggy "pajama jeans" & it reminded me of Scott's yoga-pants lament here :) A group of women wore them shopping & different places to see if anyone would notice or say anything. At the end of the piece, they said that they're considering coming out with ones for men. Gosh I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable walking down the street looking like Mikhail Baryshnikov from the waist down... :(


ahostagesituation profile image

ahostagesituation 5 years ago

So freaking hilarious! LOL! Not all yoga pants, (or yoga pants wearers) are created the same, but most aren't made for Starbucks.


bladesofgrass profile image

bladesofgrass 5 years ago from The Fields of Iowa

Just what I needed to start my day!! Then to have someone reference those hideous pajama bottoms on top of it?! Priceless!! LOL Thanks for the laugh. Maybe you should make a website, instead of peopleofwalmart.com you should make it peopleofstarbucks LOL


jdubs 4 years ago

i agree somelikeitscott i live in michigan and you should see the women or girls that come into panera bread with those pants. not only should they not wear them in public places, which is totally unprofessional, but for a number of reasons. mostly being a attention grabber. which put a number of ideas in a mans head, and trust me they are not good opinions. everybody knows that men are not capable of being perverted free. its in our blood to decide who we like and dislike. wearing these so called come screw me now pants is making us men look more down on women then ever before. and the messed up part about it is that women want us to respect them! ha!

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