Introducing The 2011 Man

Kenneth Avery here. I'm going for the short game today. I am NOT a 2011 man. See my clean-shaven face?
Kenneth Avery here. I'm going for the short game today. I am NOT a 2011 man. See my clean-shaven face?

I Enjoy Being A Dinosaur

This is not a "pro" type of story. This is not a "con" type of story. In essence, I am not for nor against who I have chosen for my subject today: The 2011 Man. Fact is, I know all I want to know about this evolving species that is seen and heard everywhere in our United States--bars, on the college campus, coffee houses, fast-food restaurants, sporting events--you might say that the 2011 man is infecting the "old school" -type of man such as yours truly and I just wanted to make you aware of this "silent presence" when you see him on the sidewalk.

I give credence to Gillette razors and blades at this moment. I have researched Gillette razors and blades for a long time and I feel that this company, an American icon, could help the 2011 man if he so chose to use the Gillette products.

You see, the 2011 man, is seldom seen in public or private, with a clean-shaven face. Why? Because of status. His friends, probably stopped shaving one day out of laziness or thinking they were a social statute, just lay down their razors and went with the now-known, "Five O' Clock Shadow" look. You may appreciate this look. I don't know what to feel about it. I guess I can use one word to describe my feelings about the non-shaven look: Disgust. I mean, it's every man's personal business whether he shaves his face, chest, back or private parts. And it's a woman's personal business if she shaves her legs or not. That's not my point at all.

My point is formed like a Jeopardy question: Why? Why now, the non-shaven look? Why not a few years ago, say in the 70's Long-Live The Bee Gees and Disco Era? The Bee Gees DID have short beards, but mostly, the non-Bee Gee guys wanted to get hot chicks, so they did their very best labor on their appearances--with long, gold chains around their necks, open collar tricot shirts, bell bottom knit pants, wide belts and huge heels on their shoes. But for the most part, their faces were shaven. (See Saturday Night Fever, John Travolta in every scene. Shaven). I'd wager that Travolta used Gillette razors and blades. If he did, he was smart.

The 2011 Man is mostly on again and off again pertaining to work. He has finally graduated college, but hates to leave his carefree, lazing under the spreading Elm tree on the quad where he met with his fellow sometimes-achieving friends to discuss the global problems facing people like them in the future. After a hour and a half of discussing, these 2011 Guys made a straight shot to the local Pizza Hut for beer and pizza--mostly beer. Fact, friends. Check it out.

The 2011 Man uses this principle of on again, off again with his steady and non-steady girlfriend. Her name is probably Millie. Or Ginger. Maybe Susie. She was formerly like her man, the 2011 Man, mostly-carefree, creatively lazy, doing just enough to survive and going to late-night parties at her BFF's Jan Jan's flat in upper New York, but one day, she changed. Girls are like that. They reach maturity faster than the 2011 Man. She woke up one day and wanted more for herself--more security, happiness and peace of mind and not a lifestyle of being a metropolitan gypsy going from one low-paying, flippin' burger-flipping job after the other, so she did something about it.

She started being more assertive in her daily life. And on top of that, she used Gillette razors and blades to keep her legs smooth and nice. She made herself a promise that she wasn't going to commit to the 2011 Man for a lifetime of bean bag furniture, lava lamps, hamsters named "Dave," and friends of her boyfriend who's names are: Mooch, Pooch, Diggy, and Mike. Mike was always the strange one of the pack. Mooch, Pooch and Diggy all loved regae music and quality weed so when they visited for a few weeks, they slept most of the time. Mike was always high on caffeine and talked endlessly on George W. Bush Politics and how Harvard Law College could be made into a city by itself. Mike had a high IQ even when he was not smoking weed.

But good-as-gold, non-commital, non-confrontational, 2011 Man with his bearded face, and wearing one of his treasured, outdated sweaters, only sat back and made eye signals to his girlfriend to not toss his friends out on the street. "These guys are non-corporate and cannot sell-out to the "man," he would mildly advise as he became engrossed with the latest McDonald's Big Mac ad on television.

The 2011 Man dresses like The Artful Dodger of Dickens fame. Worn almost threadbare sweater, wrinkled and faded jeans, high-top old-fashioned black and white, sometimes red, tennis shoes that Dennis the Menace would love to have, and a shirt that never matches. This, folks, is the wardrobe of choice for the 2011 Man. Is it any wonder of nature why he never had or will have a good-paying job? Maybe his inner-child tells him that it's against nature to have good-paying jobs. He learned this from watching hour after hour of Oprah. He turned against Maury because one show, Maury devoted a show to people who chose not to work, but live off of other people--girlfriends, parents, and the downtown mission that gives away lunch and sometimes free jeans and shoes.

Now, before you get too sorry for the 2011 Man, this guy is NOT dumb by any stretch of the imagination. He has a high IQ, but never applies it. His contribution to society is seeing how long he can hold his urine while playing Grand Theft Auto with his non-employed friends in his girlfriend's apartment. His girlfriend, FYI, is now, working, making a conscious congtribution to society, and feeling rather good about herself. She has taken honest stock of her life and has taken easy and doable steps to remedy her sinking lifestyle. Not 2011 Man. He is an enduring cowboy of the New Millennium. He will hold on until the bitter end. Or until his dad, who's name is Jerry, finds him yet another job doing...YUKKK, that awful thing: Manual Labor. Whoever heard of manual labor? Not the 2011 Man. He believes that manua labor is someone else's job--namely the lower class of people who are not as gifted mentally as he is. The 2011 Man can be a jerk in his thinking. Thats a gimme.

We leave you now with hopefully a new-found education about our pal, The 2011 Man. Watch out for this guy and I am talking to the single girls and women of my readership who, FYI, use Gilette razors and blades. Someday, the 2011 Man may experience something really painful. He may wake up at 1 p.m. in the afternoon and ask for his girlfriend to bring him some Eggo waffles and Aunt Jemina syrup in bed while he takes another one of his 50 cat naps of the day, and waits for her to feed him. The painful experience that is stalking The 2011 Man is: LONLINESS.

His girlfriend has long-since moved on leaving 2011 Man now totally alone. Even is friends, Mooch, Pooch, Diggy and Mike have grew weary of starving and not having goods to survive with like average people in the world. What a depressing sight. The 2011 Man leaning against his new home: a MayTag refrigerator box in the alley next to the local McDonald's.

What a price to pay for living down a standard and title called: The 2011 Man.

NOTE: this story is not about anyone I know personally, living or deceased. These are MY ideas and thoughts. If you would like to contact me about this or any of my stories, email me at kennethavery5376@yahoo.com

Peace and USE GILLETTE RAZORS AND BLADES.


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Comments 6 comments

shea duane profile image

shea duane 4 years ago from new jersey

Ken, this is really complex, funny and tragic at the same time. This is one of the best pieces of writing I've read in a long time. This 2011 man is pathetic and tragic at the same time, I felt so sad at the end of the story... even though I knew his wounds were self-inflicted. Wow... really interesting funny and sad piece.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

March 22

Dearest shea . . .of all the comments YOU have given me, THIS ONE truly touched my soul. I mean that. This was an early offering months ago. I was just "letting it fly" as it were, to express how sad (some) of today's men are in the TV ads for heart meds, and other illnesses. Guess I got carried away, but I sincerely appreciate YOU taking time to read this. IOU big time.

Kenneth


shea duane profile image

shea duane 4 years ago from new jersey

I don't know how I missed this earlier. Even rereading it now, I feel that this man is somehow worth saving. There's aline from a Springsteen song, Wild Billy's Circus Stories... "Jesus send some good women to save all your clowns." It's kind of a funny and tragic song, but the line is, I think, about real love...


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dearest shea, thank you, my DEAR friend, for your kind words that make this old, broken-down guy feel a spark of life. I am indebted to you, shea, for ALL of the sweet things you have said over the past 10 months. I cannot repay you NOW, but maybe one day I will.

Visit with me anytime you like.

Kenneth


shea duane profile image

shea duane 4 years ago from new jersey

Hey Ken, out of the loop for a while cuz I had a big project at work. hope to be reading your work again soon. 8-)


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 4 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

My Dear Shea, you are always a treat to read. I love how you comment on my hubs. You always make me feel good. And God bless that new project at work. Knowing you, and how hard you work, success is just a breath away.

Kenneth

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