Let's Do Lingerie Science! The Evolution of the Common Household Panty
As a panty scientist (with a white coat), I study panties day in day out. Some people say that's strange. I say it's a valuable use of oxygen and carbon atoms.
Stephen Hawking and other scientists with actual science degrees and their own chemistry sets say that the universe tends to chaos under the forces of entropy. My expert panty studies have revealed a similar truth in panties, however instead of tending towards chaos, it is clear that panties are tending towards nothingness. Indeed, I hypothesize that somewhere in the fashion universe there is a lingerie black hole steadily drawing panties towards it.
By way of evidence, I present to you the passage of panties through time.
Bloomers are the forerunners of the modern panty. Large, billowing, and ranging from waist to knee in their coverage, bloomers cover a great deal of flesh and are immensely modest. However, as humans turned away from modesty, bloomers fell out of fashion. As one might say when comparing cro-magnon man to modern man, they lack a certain refinement.
The Full Brief Panty
Also known as 'the granny panty', this relic of the panty world is still popular today amongst women who've given up caring and just want to be comfortable, and men who enjoy the coverage that only a full brief panty can provide.
The Bikini Panty
The bikini panty was the next obvious step towards the annihilation of the panty species. Bikini panties did away with much of the fabric in the full brief panty. Bikini panties only cover what must absolutely be covered in order to get into a public swimming pool, and as a nod to the modesty of times gone by, they also provide adequate rear coverage.
The thong, or 'G string' as it is also known, takes panty evolution one step further by stepping away from the notion of coverage altogether and leaving one's behind bare to the elements, much like a Kalahari tribesman hunting the wily Kalahari gorilla. From the front, thongs usually look like normal panties, however from the back, the war of attrition on lingerie is all too clearly seen.
Perhaps the final stage in panty evolution, a C-String isn't even really a panty so much as one of those slappy things you used to put on your wrist, you know, the ones that were straight and then you'd slap 'em on and then they would curl around your wrist. Well, the C-String is like that, except for your panty region. An entirely ridiculous premise, but nevertheless, one which exists.
The future of panties is clear. Panties will soon fade away into abject nothingness and be read of only in history books, like Egyptian cat mummies, or Sun God worship. May as well get them whilst the getting is good.
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