Men with Beards and Moustaches World's Greatest Lovers?
Is it a fact that men with beards and/or moustaches are the world’s greatest lovers? Or is this merely an old wives’ tale? Perhaps an urban legend? It is difficult to examine this proposition from a qualitative perspective, at least here on HubPages. It would not get past the censors. So let’s go the route of the quantitative analysis.
What men throughout history have had the most intimate episodes with the most women? And did those men have beards and/or moustaches?
El Caballo is the nickname of Fidel Castro. Caballo is a Spanish word that means horse.
Most pictures of Fidel Castro reflect a rather unkempt beard. In fact, I do not recall ever seeing a picture of him without the beard.
According to credible sources, Castro consorted with a woman for lunch and another woman for supper (also sometimes one for breakfast) for more than four decades. The total is estimated to be 35,000. The story goes that Fidel sent his henchmen out to scour the beaches of Havana for new talent. Bill Clinton was rumored to have the Arkansas State Police do something similar when he was governor.
Wilt the Stilt
The only picture of Wilt Chamberlain I can remember without a moustache is one from the fourth grade where he stood several feet taller than any other kid. Wilt also often sported a goatee.
Chamberlain once tallied 100 points in an NBA game. He is the only player ever to have accomplished that feat.
Apparently Wilt did considerable scoring off the court as well. According to his autobiography View from Above, he was intimate with close to 20,000 women.
Vlad the Impaler
We know from historical records that Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia, had at least two wives. In that he lived around 500 years ago, the exact number of women he impaled is subject to much controversial speculation.
What we do know, however, is that Vlad the Impaler made many women immortal. He became rather infamous for his enthusiastic foreplay, which involved stimulating a woman’s neck with love bites.
Most depictions of King Solomon show the world’s wisest man ever with a beard.
We do know from the Bible that King Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines. That was just his harem. He probably “interviewed” many more women who didn’t get the job.
His most famous lover of course was the Queen of Sheba. Solomon gets extra points for queens, and he had more than one.
I don’t recall seeing any pictures of Geraldo Rivera minus that stache.
Geraldo has had five wives. In his autobiography he claimed to have had intimate relations with more than 1,000 women. Included in his hit list are such names as Chris Evert, Liza Minelli, Judy Collins, Margaret Trudeau, and Bette Midler. Barbara Walters turned him down, but thought he was cute.
I’m not so sure Geraldo belongs on this list because his numbers pale in comparison to some of the others. But what I do think, with him being a famous reporter and all, he should do a special exploring the subject of whether men with beards and/or moustaches have been the world’s greatest lovers. I mean, he did do that one entitled The Mystery of Al Capone’s Vault. I also think this would be a good public relations move for Geraldo in that he is contemplating a run for the senate.
The evidence appears rather overwhelming to me that historically men with beards and/or moustaches have been the world’s greatest lovers. But like I said, maybe we need to have Geraldo investigate the matter. He could go on Bill O’Reilly’s (who has no facial hair) television program and debate the issue, as they have debated other important issues.
Some indignant young ladies have protested my choices (see comments) and suggested other possibilities. So I will be adding one name to the list every day until the suggestions stop. I am eager to please. That’s what all the bearded world’s greatest lovers say.
Okay, okay, he may not be up there in numbers like some of the others. Or maybe it’s that he doesn’t usually kiss and tell.
We do know that Brad has been linked with certainty to some of the world’s hottest babes like Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston, both of whom he married, and Gweneth Paltrow, to whom he was engaged for more than two years. That has to count for something.
And we know Brad got caught in bed in with Mike Tyson’s main squeeze, Robin Givens. We know that because Iron Mike said so. I’m not going to argue with him, are you?
Brad’s beard looks pretty lame to me. I mean, it’s not even and is different colors. But maybe I should make mine look like that and . . .
Now Rasputin, it is alleged, was intimate with thousands of women including the Tsarina and other members of the Tsar’s family and servant staff. Why, he even conducted orgies when he lived in Siberia, so some say.
Why Rasputin was so “successful” is subject to some debate. Some say it was his mastery of hypnotism. Others say it was because of that other thing. I was tempted to add that picture of Rasputin’s weapon of mass seduction that is in a bottle in a museum in St. Petersburg, Russia, but I decided not to because it has not been verified by the Guinness Book of World Records.
Broadway Joe owned New York City back in the day when the Jets beat the Dolphins in the super Bowl. He wore $5,000 mink coats and frequented all the hot spots in the Big Apple. How many women are there in New York City?
The only reason Suzy Kolber wouldn't kiss Joe Willie on live TV during that Jets game is because Joe shaved off that Fu Manchu moustache.
According to Uncyclopedia.wiki.com, "Chaplin was known for his particular interest in significantly younger women. His vices lead to a record 23.7 marriages and 54 paternity suits during his lifetime." If it's on the internet, it has to be true, at least according to that hilarious TV commercial.
One paternity suit against him is of particular interest, and that is the one where Joan Barry claimed Charlie to be the father of her child. Despite blood tests that proved he was not, the jury declared him to be the father. He was also charged criminally with violating the Mann Act (transporting women across state lines for sexual purposes) in connection with the paternity matter.
Brett Keisel aka The Diesel aka Samson
According to reliable anonymous sources, Brett Keisel is the greatest lover on the Pittsburgh Steelers. This must be true no matter how many women say Big Ben was intimate with them, without their permission. None of that stuff about Ben was true anyway. Why, some Baltimore Ratbird fans even claimed Ben had sex with the imaginary girlfriend of Manti The’o.
Unfortunately some Delilah got her hooks into Brett a couple weeks ago and all his hair mysteriously disappeared. But it’s growing back now and no doubt he will be in full facial mode when next season rolls around.
Recent information has come to my attention calling for the addition of Genghis Khan, also known as Mighty Manslayer, Scourge of God, and Perfect Warrior. According to scientific evidence developed by the Russian Academy of Sciences, Genghis Khan has around 16 million living descendants. You do the math, but it is definitely likely that he fathered the most children of anyone in history.
Allegedly Genghis Khan said, "The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters."
There is also evidence that these women that Genghis Khan clasped to his bosom were not always happy about it. But hey, that was around 700 years ago, so who knows.
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