Men with Beards and Moustaches World's Greatest Lovers?

Do clothes make the man?
Do clothes make the man? | Source


Is it a fact that men with beards and/or moustaches are the world’s greatest lovers? Or is this merely an old wives’ tale? Perhaps an urban legend? It is difficult to examine this proposition from a qualitative perspective, at least here on HubPages. It would not get past the censors. So let’s go the route of the quantitative analysis.

What men throughout history have had the most intimate episodes with the most women? And did those men have beards and/or moustaches?

"Would the girls in bikinis who just came from the beach please move to the front!" Castro speaking in Havana, 1978.
"Would the girls in bikinis who just came from the beach please move to the front!" Castro speaking in Havana, 1978. | Source

El Caballo

El Caballo is the nickname of Fidel Castro. Caballo is a Spanish word that means horse.

Most pictures of Fidel Castro reflect a rather unkempt beard. In fact, I do not recall ever seeing a picture of him without the beard.

According to credible sources, Castro consorted with a woman for lunch and another woman for supper (also sometimes one for breakfast) for more than four decades. The total is estimated to be 35,000. The story goes that Fidel sent his henchmen out to scour the beaches of Havana for new talent. Bill Clinton was rumored to have the Arkansas State Police do something similar when he was governor.

Source

Wilt the Stilt

The only picture of Wilt Chamberlain I can remember without a moustache is one from the fourth grade where he stood several feet taller than any other kid. Wilt also often sported a goatee.

Chamberlain once tallied 100 points in an NBA game. He is the only player ever to have accomplished that feat.

Apparently Wilt did considerable scoring off the court as well. According to his autobiography View from Above, he was intimate with close to 20,000 women.


Ambras Castle portrait, anonymous author, c. 1560.
Ambras Castle portrait, anonymous author, c. 1560. | Source

Vlad the Impaler

We know from historical records that Vlad III, Prince of Wallachia, had at least two wives. In that he lived around 500 years ago, the exact number of women he impaled is subject to much controversial speculation.

What we do know, however, is that Vlad the Impaler made many women immortal. He became rather infamous for his enthusiastic foreplay, which involved stimulating a woman’s neck with love bites.


"Would you be my wife # 784, my dear?" Artist Piero della Francesca, date 1452-1466: Legend of the True Cross - the Queen of Sheba Meeting with Solomon
"Would you be my wife # 784, my dear?" Artist Piero della Francesca, date 1452-1466: Legend of the True Cross - the Queen of Sheba Meeting with Solomon | Source

King Solomon

Most depictions of King Solomon show the world’s wisest man ever with a beard.

We do know from the Bible that King Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines. That was just his harem. He probably “interviewed” many more women who didn’t get the job.

His most famous lover of course was the Queen of Sheba. Solomon gets extra points for queens, and he had more than one.

"No, I am not porn star John Holmes. It's me, Geraldo, forty some years ago."
"No, I am not porn star John Holmes. It's me, Geraldo, forty some years ago." | Source

Geraldo

I don’t recall seeing any pictures of Geraldo Rivera minus that stache.

Geraldo has had five wives. In his autobiography he claimed to have had intimate relations with more than 1,000 women. Included in his hit list are such names as Chris Evert, Liza Minelli, Judy Collins, Margaret Trudeau, and Bette Midler. Barbara Walters turned him down, but thought he was cute.

I’m not so sure Geraldo belongs on this list because his numbers pale in comparison to some of the others. But what I do think, with him being a famous reporter and all, he should do a special exploring the subject of whether men with beards and/or moustaches have been the world’s greatest lovers. I mean, he did do that one entitled The Mystery of Al Capone’s Vault. I also think this would be a good public relations move for Geraldo in that he is contemplating a run for the senate.

Conclusion

The evidence appears rather overwhelming to me that historically men with beards and/or moustaches have been the world’s greatest lovers. But like I said, maybe we need to have Geraldo investigate the matter. He could go on Bill O’Reilly’s (who has no facial hair) television program and debate the issue, as they have debated other important issues.

Epilogue

Some indignant young ladies have protested my choices (see comments) and suggested other possibilities. So I will be adding one name to the list every day until the suggestions stop. I am eager to please. That’s what all the bearded world’s greatest lovers say.

"That basterd Mike Tyson isn't around somewhere, is he?"
"That basterd Mike Tyson isn't around somewhere, is he?" | Source

Brad Pitt

Okay, okay, he may not be up there in numbers like some of the others. Or maybe it’s that he doesn’t usually kiss and tell.

We do know that Brad has been linked with certainty to some of the world’s hottest babes like Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston, both of whom he married, and Gweneth Paltrow, to whom he was engaged for more than two years. That has to count for something.

And we know Brad got caught in bed in with Mike Tyson’s main squeeze, Robin Givens. We know that because Iron Mike said so. I’m not going to argue with him, are you?

Brad’s beard looks pretty lame to me. I mean, it’s not even and is different colors. But maybe I should make mine look like that and . . .

No, this isn't Brad Pitt. Think Russian
No, this isn't Brad Pitt. Think Russian | Source

Rasputin

Now Rasputin, it is alleged, was intimate with thousands of women including the Tsarina and other members of the Tsar’s family and servant staff. Why, he even conducted orgies when he lived in Siberia, so some say.

Why Rasputin was so “successful” is subject to some debate. Some say it was his mastery of hypnotism. Others say it was because of that other thing. I was tempted to add that picture of Rasputin’s weapon of mass seduction that is in a bottle in a museum in St. Petersburg, Russia, but I decided not to because it has not been verified by the Guinness Book of World Records.

Joe Namath

Broadway Joe owned New York City back in the day when the Jets beat the Dolphins in the super Bowl. He wore $5,000 mink coats and frequented all the hot spots in the Big Apple. How many women are there in New York City?

The only reason Suzy Kolber wouldn't kiss Joe Willie on live TV during that Jets game is because Joe shaved off that Fu Manchu moustache.

Facial hair does have its rewards.
Facial hair does have its rewards. | Source
Charlie Chaplin as Hitler in the movie The Great Dictator (1940)
Charlie Chaplin as Hitler in the movie The Great Dictator (1940) | Source

Charlie Chaplin

According to Uncyclopedia.wiki.com, "Chaplin was known for his particular interest in significantly younger women. His vices lead to a record 23.7 marriages and 54 paternity suits during his lifetime." If it's on the internet, it has to be true, at least according to that hilarious TV commercial.

One paternity suit against him is of particular interest, and that is the one where Joan Barry claimed Charlie to be the father of her child. Despite blood tests that proved he was not, the jury declared him to be the father. He was also charged criminally with violating the Mann Act (transporting women across state lines for sexual purposes) in connection with the paternity matter.

"Hey Troy, look what Head & Shoulders did for my hair!"
"Hey Troy, look what Head & Shoulders did for my hair!" | Source

Brett Keisel aka The Diesel aka Samson

According to reliable anonymous sources, Brett Keisel is the greatest lover on the Pittsburgh Steelers. This must be true no matter how many women say Big Ben was intimate with them, without their permission. None of that stuff about Ben was true anyway. Why, some Baltimore Ratbird fans even claimed Ben had sex with the imaginary girlfriend of Manti The’o.

Unfortunately some Delilah got her hooks into Brett a couple weeks ago and all his hair mysteriously disappeared. But it’s growing back now and no doubt he will be in full facial mode when next season rolls around.

One feather in Genghis Khan's cap is for murder, and the other one is for scoring with chicks.
One feather in Genghis Khan's cap is for murder, and the other one is for scoring with chicks. | Source

Genghis Khan

Recent information has come to my attention calling for the addition of Genghis Khan, also known as Mighty Manslayer, Scourge of God, and Perfect Warrior. According to scientific evidence developed by the Russian Academy of Sciences, Genghis Khan has around 16 million living descendants. You do the math, but it is definitely likely that he fathered the most children of anyone in history.

Allegedly Genghis Khan said, "The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters."

There is also evidence that these women that Genghis Khan clasped to his bosom were not always happy about it. But hey, that was around 700 years ago, so who knows.

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Comments 28 comments

Sarahhh666 profile image

Sarahhh666 3 years ago from near Philly

I can only think of one reason why women would have sex with those dudes. Hint -- it’s green. Now, Brad Pitt, that’s another story. He looks totally hot with a beard like in Legend of the Fall. Just watched that last nite for about the 10th time. Funny article! :-)


BLACKANDGOLDJACK profile image

BLACKANDGOLDJACK 3 years ago from Blitzburgh area Author

Hey Sarahhh, well Brad did hook up with Jennifer and Angelina, which does impress me more than Geraldo hooking up with Bette. Not to mention thousands of women who are notches on the belts of Fidel and Wilt who remain nameless. One of the funniest stories I've heard is that Brad was having a party with Robin Givens, Mike Tyson's ex-wife, when Iron Mike showed up.

Just for you, Sarahhh, I'll add some pics to the hub with Brad with a beard, and maybe guys like Jack Nicholson and George Clooney also. Hey, maybe a poll too, like "What Beard Would you Do?"


Kronk from stillers fever forum 3 years ago

Hey man when you gonna do a new article on da Stillers?Im not much into men who worlds greatest lovers but Rasputin the russian love machine should be on you list.he was a hypnosist and the tsars wife was among his lovers and his one eyed monkey is pickled in a big jar and is at a museum in Russia


BLACKANDGOLDJACK profile image

BLACKANDGOLDJACK 3 years ago from Blitzburgh area Author

Hey Kronk, well when something happens with the Steelers I'll update that last hub. Pretty quiet, but no doubt it'll hit the fan soon.

Yeah, I saw a pic of that "thing" that's supposed to be Rasputin's pet monkey. See, this is why we need Geraldo to investigate all this alleged hanky-panky and the instruments of crime. I mean, Geraldo found out who was buried in Al Capone's tomb, right?


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 3 years ago from US

Where's Tom Selleck? LOL

Most of them ancient sage Gods have moustache!

Nice idea for a hub, BGjack, insert a storyline for the Steelers Jack Lambert when he had those moustache, he can be mean looking :-)


BLACKANDGOLDJACK profile image

BLACKANDGOLDJACK 3 years ago from Blitzburgh area Author

Lol at you, prettydarkhorse. Oh yeah, Jack Lambert. I don't know if he seduced many women, but he sure made quarterbacks quiver and shake. And he had one of the best lines ever with, "Quarterbacks should wear dresses."

Yeah, Tom Selleck, I like his moustache and I'm not even gay. I'm jealous because I wish mine looked like that.

I'll put some more pics in the hub, and maybe a poll, and you can vote on which one of the endowed with facial hair world's greatest lovers you prefer.


BLACKANDGOLDJACK profile image

BLACKANDGOLDJACK 3 years ago from Blitzburgh area Author

Oh, and prettydarkhorse, it is a nice idea for a hub. But I have to admit that I didn't think it up all by myself. See the forum thread "Weekly Topic Inspiration Gets a New Spin - AND FACIAL HAIR!" that is a sticky near the top. There is a link in Simone's first post that takes you to the Q & A where those who have written hubs give the link.

A lot of good hubs, and some have pics of your fav Tom Selleck!


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 3 years ago from US

Ah ok, how bout another Tom, Jones? His moustache is kinda same with Selleck! Ok will be back if there is a poll.

Perhaps Lambert did not want his dentures fix too because that is a negative attraction to QBs, LOL


BLACKANDGOLDJACK profile image

BLACKANDGOLDJACK 3 years ago from Blitzburgh area Author

Okay, I get it now, prettydarkhorse, you got a thing for Toms with moustaches. To each their own. I'll see if I can find a pic of the famous midget Tom Thumb with a moustache. I know his wife that little midget lady had one.


colin 3 years ago

what about charles manson he could persuade women to do anything


BLACKANDGOLDJACK profile image

BLACKANDGOLDJACK 3 years ago from Blitzburgh area Author

Let me guess, colin. You are confined to a maximum security prison (Corcoran State Prison, the same one where Charles Manson is) and you inmates who are running the place have internet access, among other amenities.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 3 years ago from US

Nah, those Toms are just coincidences, LOL

Hitler's and Chaplin's moustaches are unique!


BLACKANDGOLDJACK profile image

BLACKANDGOLDJACK 3 years ago from Blitzburgh area Author

prettydarkhorse, I am not putting Hitler on this list! Not Charles Manson either.

You did, however, mention Joe Namath on that other hub. Oh yeah, Broadway Joe. He's going on the list next.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 3 years ago from US

No to the two men, yes to Joe, sure :-)


BLACKANDGOLDJACK profile image

BLACKANDGOLDJACK 3 years ago from Blitzburgh area Author

Hey prettydarkhorse, just for you I put Hitler on the list in the hub. No wait, it's actually Charlie Chaplin playing Hitler.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 3 years ago from US

ok, Good! I haven't seen anybody with that kind of moustache now. Chaplin's is iconic :-)


BLACKANDGOLDJACK profile image

BLACKANDGOLDJACK 3 years ago from Blitzburgh area Author

prettydarkhorse, I'm at a loss to who to put on the list next.

Jack Lambert did have a great moustache, but I never heard he was a ladies man, other than he liked to "fondle" quarterbacks, who he said should wear dresses. I did hear that back in the day he was the most feared player, not only by opponents, but by other Steelers in the locker room.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 3 years ago from US

You can put him or Keisel!! I will be glad, LOL


BLACKANDGOLDJACK profile image

BLACKANDGOLDJACK 3 years ago from Blitzburgh area Author

Well prettydarkhorse, you being glad is important to me.

The Diesel aka Brett Keisel had his beard shaved off you know. That dang Delilah! It does rather remind me of the story of Samson in the Bible.


BLACKANDGOLDJACK profile image

BLACKANDGOLDJACK 3 years ago from Blitzburgh area Author

Hey prettydarkhorse, I put Brett Keisel on the list in the hub just for you.

I sure hope he is still with the Steelers next season.


prettydarkhorse profile image

prettydarkhorse 3 years ago from US

Cool! I really like it. Hope he is back next season. Thank you BGJack.


FreddyM profile image

FreddyM 3 years ago from Everywhere USA

Now that's dang funny about all this funny business with the facially endowed


BLACKANDGOLDJACK profile image

BLACKANDGOLDJACK 3 years ago from Blitzburgh area Author

Hey Freddy, I need some more suggestions about who to add to the list on the hub.

If I don't get some soon, I'm going to add a chick from Chicago who has a beard. She's pretty hot despite the fuzzy face.


jhenderson75 profile image

jhenderson75 3 years ago from Most likely the couch

Genghis Khan. He definitely fathered more offspring than the bearded woman.


BLACKANDGOLDJACK profile image

BLACKANDGOLDJACK 3 years ago from Blitzburgh area Author

Yeah, jhenderson, it figures that Genghis Khan would be one of your heroes, what with you being a Browns fan. Hey, thanks for the idea, though. I just added him to the hub.


newenglandsun 3 years ago

RA RA RASPUTIN

Lover of the Russian queen

There was a cat that really was gone

RA RA RASPUTIN

Russia's greatest love machine

It was a shame how he carried on

Boney M


Adolph Manjaro 3 years ago

No all your guesses of who was the world’s greatest lover are wrong. Well here is the information you seek on the matter.

The world’s greatest lover was a Frenchman called "Piere La True" he was only one meter tall, had a nine-inch tongue and could breathe through his ears.

So now you know..... What a guy!


biblicaliving profile image

biblicaliving 3 years ago from U.S.A.

Funny hub! I'd like to see the references on some of your information (I'm grinning like an idiot right now..) I myself am currently sporting a beard; enough said!

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