One Day I Will Look Beautiful

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The Beginning

Three years ago I was diagnosed with depression, I was trapped in a bad marriage with a man who did not love me at all, but wanted to abuse and control me instead, as I made him look good hanging around with an un attractive younger male as he would refer too me. I also had many problems with myself as I was in denial believing that my husband did love me and unfortunately I found out too quickly that he did not, and it broke my heart.

I gave 6 years to that man, who gave me nothing but hurt and heartache, I know I am not the only one and there are millions of others who have been where I am. One year ago I left him and moved in with my brother, I have a calcium problem and as I dont make enough and unfortunately my teeth have suffered. I can not afford cosmetic surgery to put this right, but one day I will, I pray that I will any ways.

My partner was very attractive and unfortunately I am not, as I was always reminded of not being by him and his friends and family. In gay society we have to look good as we are judged by others with the company we keep, clothes we wear and more so our looks etc...
A friend of my partners was very cruel to me just before I left my husband and he said to me "That good looking, beautiful men like him and the others always like to have at least one ugly person with them to make them look good in front of others." He then went on to say to me "How I should be grateful that I am in their company, as if I was not my partner they would have more so made fun of me.etc etc,,,,,,, I asked what was wrong with me and he then told me I have terrible teeth, I have the worst looks ever, people would rather throw up than talk to me he also said that the funny part was I believed that I was fine and that everybody was only tolerating me and did want to tell me the truth. If thats not bad enough he carried on and said one even worse thing that absolutely cut my heart out.... I would never achieve anything but ridicule from other people, and that I would just have to accept that way of life, because their is never going to be a lucky millionaire who will come round that corner and pay for the surgery that you need..After all you are from the poorer community so they dont really help your sort"

I have never spoken to my ex husband or any of his friends ever again since that night and those hurtful words were said.. I know that I am not good looking and that I am probably never going to be able to afford that kind of surgery.. But you know I really want to get that work done now more than ever because I would like to come back to my city looking like a beautiful model and walk into my exhusband and his friends and watch them squirm whilst I say "Screw You".......

I am alot stronger now than I was then and fight back alot harder, but at that time was very poorly with depression that when he said that to me I walked away and hid until the tears stopped. When it was over and I returned he just sat smiling at me with the rest of those good looking people, I sat very quiet whilst they all went dance and had great party, I sat with a drink and stared out of the window.

I suppose its just one of those sob stories that are a penny a dozen that you hear from people but I have faith and I know that one day I will look beautiful, and I will feel beautiful too.

My story is a sad one, and very true I am not looking for sympathy though only understanding, and to hear if anyone else has felt this way before..

I even have cried writing this because it still hurts now, but if I ever do get the chance to have surgery I believe that I will get my own back on those people, Do you remember that Bette Midler film "First Wives Club" Its one of my favourites and I love it when they get their husbands back and help each other, That will be me one day......


Thanks For Reading...


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Comments 25 comments

.josh. profile image

.josh. 5 years ago

Sorry to hear you had to go through that, calpol. That sounds pretty terrible, and I'm glad to hear you finally gained the courage and strength to leave someone who was clearly toxic for you.

I know it's easy to internalize comments like those of that cruel friend of your ex's, particularly if you perceive them to hold some sort of ideal that you strive for (i.e., beauty), but you have to understand that the only people who make comments like that are weak and self-loathing people, who are only trying to make the rest of the world as miserable as they are.

We all see our imperfections more than we see those of others, and I suspect there are a lot of men out there who would find you very attractive. You are beautiful, but so long as you're striving for this perceived ideal, you will always struggle to find happiness. Nobody's perfect, and while I hope you do someday have the money to get the surgery you desire, I also hope you can find a way to allow yourself to be happy in the meantime.

We're all imperfect, calpol, and we all have things we wish we could change about ourselves. That's life. I've also battled depression, so I know where you're coming from, but at some point, we simply need to accept the cards we've been dealt and make the best of them.

And, in reality, I think we both know you've been dealt a pretty good hand.


hospitalera profile image

hospitalera 5 years ago

Dear calpol25,

First of all I want to compliment you to your bravery and openness, not many people would have been strong enough to put up such a personal story online. As for beauty surgery as solution, I don't think that will work, you will just find something else what you don't like about yourself. Be it 'I am not intelligent enough' or 'I am not successful enough'. Until your learn to be happy with who and how you are, you will not be happy, even if you change things like your outward appearance.

Congratulations also in stopping to see people that only put you down. This kind of people are actually pretty insecure themselves, they need somebody to trot on in order to think of themselves as superior. They are also not happy with themselves. As you are in the UK, the two following organizations provide a listening ear for free and might help you in your journey to discover that you are beautiful as you are today:

http://www.lgf.org.uk/

http://www.samaritans.org/

And last but not least, looking at the photos you posted on this hub, you are not looking ugly at all to me, granted, you are not George Clooney ;-) but hey only a few people look like super models or actors, and not all of them are happy! Looking like a beauty star is no warranty for happiness and looking like an average young man not a warranty for unhappiness. Perhaps I read soon a hub from you entitled 'Today I am beautiful as I am', All the best, SY


calpol25 profile image

calpol25 5 years ago from Edinburgh, Scotland, UK (At Home With My Wonderful Partner) Author

Thank you so much both of you for you kind comments, I guess I was just feeling a little down...

@Josh - thank you for your inspirational comments and also for pointing that out to me about the weak and self loathing people, At that time I was very unhappy, now am getting there back to some normality and thank you again for your post. It took me a long time to build up the strength and courage to leave that man as I had to face up to what was happening around me, instead of hiding in denial believing everything was ok, when infact was the opposite. As we say When reality bites she bites bloody hard..... lol :-)

@Hospitalera - thank you for your kind comments and your right it did take me a long time to openly talk about this, as its taken 3 years to be precise, I think its not bravery that made me post it, but its wanting to reach out to others who have experienced similar situations.

Thank you for those links too, I know of both groups very well and I hope that I do write that hub soon too. :-)

Many thanks to both of you and I hope to see you both around :-)

Calpol25


jotapey profile image

jotapey 5 years ago from San Francisco, CA

Dear Calpol, I am sorry you were feeling down. Having survived the bad relationship you had with that self centered scum bag, you should feel proud to have moved on. When I first saw you on Facebook, I was attracted to your "good looks & great smile". Then, I was attracted to your personality & involvement in LGBT equality causes. Honestly, your smile could melt an iceberg. Living here near Silicon Valley, we are more into your type...the young techie look.

http://www.visualphotos.com/image/2x2719865/young_...

Here techie & geek can be hot looks.

I'm taking a wild guess that the outfit we picked was too chic for the crowd last night. Well, they lose! I loved it.


calpol25 profile image

calpol25 5 years ago from Edinburgh, Scotland, UK (At Home With My Wonderful Partner) Author

Thank you so much Jotapey, you have brightened up my day thank you, I felt so down. No one ever said that to me before for that I am truly thankful. I am glad you like my fashion sense too I never thought I had any lol x

I have the biggest smile on my face now I only hope that I get to meet you to thank you for today x

:-)


Scoot108 5 years ago

It's sad that in the gay community, we get judged based on looks. In the media we often portrayed as muscular and hot. I hope you and every gay man can find happiness. I'm glad your not with your ex anymore and hope you find a better man that you deserve. It's sad that some people still feel like they are in high school and want to judge others based on looks. Good luck with your life :).


leo 5 years ago

relly not good sorrg=y jhythijsykds9s5wj9atrwu8egtrdh8dlove dtdysyd8taisydtdxi


Susci profile image

Susci 5 years ago from Arlington, Virginia, USA

Is this true Calpol? The truth is, I was really shocked when I read your sentiments here and I really felt sorry and sad to what happened. I understand you.Very well. It's really painful for a person to be rejected by their love ones. However, despite the bad things that happened in the past, you still managed to stand up and fight. I admire you for being strong.

You have to move on. Let go of the past and face the future. You don't have to change yourself my friend. You are beautiful. You are what you are. It's just maybe, there are really some who fails to appreciate the real beauty of a person. You have to accept the fact that you cannot please everyone in this world.

Physical appearance fades but never the beauty which can be found inside you.

Hope to see smile everday.Enjoy life! =)


calpol25 profile image

calpol25 5 years ago from Edinburgh, Scotland, UK (At Home With My Wonderful Partner) Author

Thank you Susci for your kind comments, you have helped me alot. You have made me smile I thank you so very much :-)


WD Curry 111 profile image

WD Curry 111 5 years ago from Space Coast

Been there . . . done that . . . bought the t-shirt . . . have a souvineer . . . got the happy meal now, though. Great chops, brother!


couturepopcafe profile image

couturepopcafe 4 years ago

Hey, Cal - What a great story. Sounds like you could spin this true life trauma into a money making book. That'll show that creep. Yeah, in the straight world, we just call them creeps. We have to be beautiful, too, if we want to hang out in clubs and 'find' someone. Better you should find yourself and it sounds like you're doing just that. Gays can be brutal sometimes to women and their own but I don't understand those people. You've actually got rather a nice face. You'll never be able to CHANGE the people around you, so change the PEOPLE that are around you. If I'm ever out your way, I'd be happy to look you up for a chat at the - how do you call it - ale house?


calpol25 profile image

calpol25 4 years ago from Edinburgh, Scotland, UK (At Home With My Wonderful Partner) Author

Hey thanks couture that is so true, and I have changed the people around me, got rid of the bad ones.

Your right to about some of the people in the Gay world they can be quite nasty to women too and to us, its like a class system..still I wont go there.

If you ever are up this neck of the woods would love that we could put the world to rights. We call it a pub over here I know we definitely have strange words in this country... Thanks for commenting hope to see you about :)


LailaK profile image

LailaK 4 years ago from Atlanta, Georgia

Even though I do not know you nor have met you, but I can tell that you are a beautiful person on the inside. Please do not let others discourage you with their desparagments. You are beautiful and you know it! Great hub :)


calpol25 profile image

calpol25 4 years ago from Edinburgh, Scotland, UK (At Home With My Wonderful Partner) Author

Thank you Lailak I have to admit was in a bad place when I wrote this hub, it really hurt what that person said to me, but since then have sorted myself out and am doing a lot better. Thank you for your comments and I promise not to be discouraged :)


Denise Handlon profile image

Denise Handlon 4 years ago from North Carolina

Wish I had that magic wand to whisk over you and make everything all right...sorry, that's for fairy tales. I say, good riddance to bad...well, you know the rest. Anyone who is that superficial AND abusive is not worth hanging onto. Glad you left the jerk and his friends.

Self esteem is a slippery issue. It takes courage to look deep inside and find for yourself the self love and self worth that is yours. I hope you take that inner journey, my friend.

Be kind and compassionate to yourself. Do not express your worth through looks-that is all immaterial. Beauty is truly within. Instead, build the foundation of what and who you really are and let others see your light shine.

Stop berating yourself and telling yourself you are not good looking. It reinforces the poor self esteem. Instead, find out your true value and build on that. It isn't about money, fame or beauty. It is about integrity, compassion, strength, love, kindness, courage...

Take care and tell your self critic voice to back off!


calpol25 profile image

calpol25 4 years ago from Edinburgh, Scotland, UK (At Home With My Wonderful Partner) Author

Hi denise thank you so much for reading, I was at a bad point when I wrote this and needed guidance. Your comment has given me the guidance I needed and thank you so much, I will remember your comment always thank you :)


calpol25 profile image

calpol25 4 years ago from Edinburgh, Scotland, UK (At Home With My Wonderful Partner) Author

Hi denise thank you so much for reading, I was at a bad point when I wrote this and needed guidance. Your comment has given me the guidance I needed and thank you so much, I will remember your comment always thank you :)


Wesman Todd Shaw profile image

Wesman Todd Shaw 4 years ago from Kaufman, Texas

You lured me here with the title!!!

I don't know what my problem was with my teeth when I was a child, but they were terrible - the enamel was just very soft, and I had nineteen cavities at one time.

My life as a drug addict started right there as a pre teen, but I didn't know that then, of course, and never used illegal drugs until I was out of school....I thought they'd damage my brain, no really.

I also had four child teeth "root canals" done...there's a diff term for that in children's dentistry though, and I forget what it is.

What I meant to say is that I know about some dental problems!! My body compensated some kind of way on my adult teeth, my dentist said I'd have to be a complete fool to ever have a cavity in them, and so far so good.

I think too much attention is given to the over weight so far as body image is concerned. Everyone must find a way to accept themselves, and their looks - some have it tons harder than others, of course, and though I'm no stunningly handsome dude or anything....I used to have very serious body image issues.

I've always been very very skinny, and I used to be so conscious of it that I couldn't function right in ...dating, or anything. I was forever thinking I wasn't good looking, and I would weigh myself ten or more times a day...always hoping to see the scales read a higher number.

Glad I don't even know where a scale is any more.

I'm a straight dude, but I'd drink a beer or a dozen with you; you're cool with me.


amymarie_5 profile image

amymarie_5 4 years ago from Chicago IL

You are a survivor! You should be proud of yourself! I'm so sorry you went through what you did. It's hard and it will take a while to heal but don't put yourself down. I'm sure there will be many men knocking at your door once you start to feel better about yourself.

Rated up, awesome, useful and beautiful AND shared. :)


Sue B. profile image

Sue B. 4 years ago

This is one of the more honest hubs I have read in awhile. It breaks my heart that people can go through something like and be surrounded by so many abusive people. It seemed your exhusband was not he only negative and abusive person- all of those friends were as well. I am always shocked when people do not value another person and overvalue superficial traits. I hope you are finding many positive people to surround yourself with!


calpol25 profile image

calpol25 4 years ago from Edinburgh, Scotland, UK (At Home With My Wonderful Partner) Author

Thank you all so much for commenting

@ Westman Todd Shaw - your so right and I will definitely have a beer with you some time, that would be cool :)

@ amymarie thank you, I was really in a bad place when I wrote this hub but you know I am truly healing now, I feel alot better plus have made alot of real friends here on HP and there the real inspiration to me :)

@Sue B Thank you so much, I have found a great many positive people and I do surround myself with them now and much prefer their company as they do not judge me and let me be by myself :)

Thank you all for commenting again and for making me feel alot better today :) x I hope one day we all meet :) x


Beth100 profile image

Beth100 4 years ago from Canada

Abuse is abuse in any part of the world. It's sad, degrading and scars us forever. You took the hardest step of all: admitting you were in an abusive relationship and leaving it! Kudos!!

At the moment, I'll address what you wrote so many months back, though, the pain may be as fresh as it was yesterday. You are who you are. Your friends, family, lovers, partners, etc., must accept you the way you are. Otherwise, ditch them!

Your beauty comes from within. When you feel beautiful, you show it. That is what everyone will see -- your beauty! If you feel ugly, that is what you show to everyone and that is what they will see. If you're happy, and you show it (no tune, please...), everyone will see it. Get the picture? :)

You are beautiful. Why? Because you are caring, sensitive, honest, emotional, forthcoming and accepting. It's not about physical beauty. Yes, the world plasters the mags and billboards with Photoshopped models everywhere and TRY to tell us that is the way we should look. So wrong!! Image is not everything.

Addressing the present day of now....

I hope that you have continued to move forward in your life. It's great news that you have surrounded yourself with positive people and that you are doing what is right and good for you. :) You are on the right path.

Let go of what your ex and his friends did and said. The past will only burn your future. What goes around comes around twice as hard. I am positive that he was no handsome looker but rather an ugly soul that required to beat upon another to make himself feel powerful and beautiful. That never lasts because there is always a bigger and more bullish bully than him and his pack.

Keep moving forward and let the past go. Your future is bright and will be filled with many gifts to smile about if you stay positive and in the present. :)

SMILE!!! You have a contagious smile! :) :) :) :)


calpol25 profile image

calpol25 4 years ago from Edinburgh, Scotland, UK (At Home With My Wonderful Partner) Author

Thank you so much Beth100

Your are very wise and have helped me alot with your comment thank you x

I will smile I promise x x

Calpol25 :)


alian346 profile image

alian346 4 years ago from Edinburgh, Scotland

There are 2D and 3D people in this world, Callum. And some very special people who are 4D.

YOU ARE 4D.

Ian.


calpol25 profile image

calpol25 4 years ago from Edinburgh, Scotland, UK (At Home With My Wonderful Partner) Author

Thank you Ian :)

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