Panty Wars! A Champion Arises For Beige Lingerie
For many moons now, I have been disrespecting beige lingerie. I have said that it is boring. I have said that it fails to match any skin tone known to man. I have said that it is the domain of attention starved women who are afraid that their panties will upstage them. I have been cruel, I have been snide, I have been close minded. I have drawn lines where no lines should be drawn.
I have cast beige out without so much as a fair trial. I have imprisoned it in a Guantanamo of my own making and deprived it of all human contact. I have mocked it on the streets. I have tied it to a flagpole. I have pushed it inside a locker and made it stay there for the whole day until the janitor heard a muffled banging long after everyone else had gone home. I have asked to see its birth certificate, then declared it to be insufficient. Has anyone seen beige's long birth certificate? I think not.
I have thrown beige into the harbor as a protest against taxes. I have run it over with a large tank whilst it stood alone. I have discovered pockets of henceforth unknown beige lingerie in areas of the world never visited by man, and I have hunted it to extinction. I have mounted it on my wall, I have made it my foot rug.
So downtrodden is beige that I have forced it to be covered when it leaves the house. I have refused it the right to drive, the right to be educated and I have declared it to be the property its nearest male relative. If I see even the tiniest portion of beige sneaking out here and there under clothing, I have beaten it mercilessly whilst screaming humiliating slurs at it
It seemed right to me that beige should be treated this way. It was not as the other colors and shades. It was dull. It was weak. It was evil.
But then, one man stepped forward. From the darkness of a sweet, lavender scented lingerie night he came forth and he declared. “Actually, you know, I think beige can be rather cute.” At first I scoffed and considered declaring him an enemy combatant, but then he produced evidence. Evidence I could not ignore. Photographic evidence which proved that not only is beige lingerie cute, but sometimes quite alluring. I now submit this evidence to you all, so that you may no longer share the same prejudice which I have so carelessly propagated throughout the Internet.
Let us embrace beige, let us accord beige all the privileges which are due to other colors of lingerie.
And may God have mercy on our camisoles.
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