"I am so ugly!" How to Be a Really Ugly Girl - In Style!

Fun fact: Each month, 6,600 people type "Im so ugly" into Google and hit enter. Another 60,500 Google "Why am I so ugly and fat," another 720 Google "Why am I so fat and ugly," 12,100 Google "Why am I so ugly," and 12,100 Google "I am so ugly."

Conclusion: We've got a lot of fat/ugly, ugly/fat, just plain ugly people out there. Considering how their brains work, I'd say most are girls.

Are you one of these brave searchers? Were you, mayhaps, hit a few times too many by the ugly stick? Maybe in the face?

Aw, don't worry. I mean, I'm not ugly (I'm frickin' gorgeous- people throw themselves in front of me and I walk across their prone bodies as I flounce off to work every morning), but I can definitely tell you how to work what you've got.

So let's get started, shall we?

Here's an interesting thing about beauty- humans are naturally attracted to that which is average. Take the faces of a thousand women, average them all together, and what you'll get is one beautiful female face.

If you're ugly, chances are you look pretty unique. You deviate from the average, you sassy outlier, you. From a purely objective perspective, this is not all that terrible. Actually, the fact that you stand apart from the crowd only means that you are more memorable and interesting- plus, you're different from the undulating mass of humanity that flows past your window on a daily basis. You, my little ugly, are special.

Any X-Man can tell you that, at first, it is difficult being special. But after a while, you'll discover that your aesthetic deviation from the human population has its perks. Aside from being more memorable and easy to spot, you may discover special powers of intimidation, humor, and wit. Use these powers and your singular appearance to develop a distinguished, interesting, and fun personality. This personality and distinctness will prove to be a major asset.

The hardest plight of the ugly is that they are constantly "reminded" that they're supposed to be beautiful. Movies, commercials, billboards, television shows, books, magazines, and even that crazy woman on the corner are telling you that you ought to be gorgeous and skinny (but with perky boobs and an AWESOME backside) with perfect skin and glossy hair and eyes that perfectly resemble the limpid pools of the fountain of youth.

Well, being gorgeous ain't all it's cracked up to be. When you're dreadfully beautiful, folks tend to see/want/use you just for your looks. Few get around to actually caring about your amazing talents or cool personality or what you want out of a relationship. You might squander your youth as misused and under-appreciated arm candy, after which you will inevitably get old, and unless you're Helen Miren, you'll lose your irrisistible allure as well. Then, you're up sh*t creek, aren't you?

If you are ugly as a dead goat's shriveled... something, then, you may never be remembered for your beauty, BUT at least you are free to create your own legacy! Bet you never considered that huh?!

Life, and your enjoyment thereof, is all a matter of perspective. When it comes to looks, you need only feel bad about your appearance if you choose to do so. Which (chances are) you have opted to do.

But why?? Why do you want to be so pretty? Are history's coolest people, or the most awesome people you know, beautiful or boisterous? Fetching or funny? Pretty or powerful?

To be honest, looks are only one aspect of attraction (both romantic and general). The ultimate authority in the matter is your personal charisma, and in order to develop any of that, you'll have to develop a sound sense of self-worth and muster up no small bit of confidence.

They say the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your own self-doubt. They're not too far off (unless there's a giant zombie horde standing in your way, in which case, both infectious dead bodies and your personal inhibitions are presenting significant hurtles). So get rid of that low self-esteem. Then, gentle, hideous reader, the sky is your limit.

If you are indeed a female reader concerned with her physical appearance, there is a slight probability that you are also concerned that your outward appearance may hurt your prospects in the boy department.

Well SLOOOOOW that worry train WAY the HECK down. You ain't got NOTHIN' to worry about. It is true that some guys are rather shallow. Not surprisingly, those guys are also pretty sucky in the relationship department, not to mention the sack. Really. The fact that you're not a real looker is ultimate helping you by filtering out douche bags.

I am quite the observant type, I am. And some of the hottest, most eligible dudes I've encountered in my enchanted, etherial existence (and trust me, I keep close tabs on them) are nabbed not by the world's Delicate China Dolls, but by the Great Rambunctious Dames of our sage universe. It's the girl who has guts, a good personality, and the aforementioned attractive charisma that comes with high self worth and confidence who ultimately nabs Prince Charming (and his more interesting and equally attractive relatives).

Don't misunderstand me- if you keep up this self-conscious, self-doubting thing, you're definitely not going to see any action. But if you get over it... well... you'll see ;)

You may be ugly, but you're sure as heck not alone. Nay, comrade, you are treading in the hallowed footsteps of many an unsightly predecessor. While the best of your fugly forefathers made the most of their appearance, some did find it necessary to (occasionally) look good, and hence they discovered ways to fudge things along a bit.

Consider the noble painting. Early Photoshop. Brilliant development, that. Do you honestly think that every portrait in history is 100% accurate? If you do, please send me a message. I know this Nigerian prince who could make you filthy rich!

From "generous" paintings to masks, makeup, careful lighting, various drugs and controlled substances, and plastic surgery to the all-powerful Photoshop, you have plenty of ways you can temporarily or semi-permanently "improve" your appearance (or rather alter your appearance to conform with cultural standards).

Just know that, in times of extreme need, there is nothing between yourself and celebrity-like beauty than a team of professionals.

The "beautiful" average is dreadfully overrated. They're just trying to pull you into their Pod People mentality and get you to be like them, however unnatural or uncomfortable that might be.

Take my advice and forget about trying to conform to standards that aren't worth your time. Instead of worrying your ugly little head about such things, take some time to develop your own special skills, personality, and sense of self-worth.

Oh, and one more thing. In fact, there is no such thing as an ugly woman. Plain and simple. Don't take it from me, take it from the Speedo-clad Adonis on my high school swim team who uttered those words at one dismally long swim meet. At first I was dubious about his claim, but he was totally right. I think it's the one thing I remember him saying. I was, of course, only interested in him for his looks.