Nine Reasons to Never Shave Your Chest. Ever.

The Hairy Truth

Okay, so at the risk of releasing TMI (secret code for “too much information”) I recently shaved my chest. It was about 2 weeks ago, I believe. Boy was that a bad idea. Never, Ever, Ever, EVER, shave your chest. Here are just SOME of the reasons why.

1. OHMYGOD-MAKE-THE-ITCHING-STOP.

It really itches. Not like a mosquito bite, where you just keep scratching until it turns bright red and bleeds everywhere. No, this is a more sadistic kind of itching. This is more of the vaguely uncomfortable, constantly rubbing against your shirt kind of itching. TRUST ME it is really annoying and not worth it in any way whatsoever.

2. Your Chest is Hairy Because God or Allah or Buddha or the Big Bang made you that way.

Nature doesn’t f--- around. It knows what it’s doing. If your God of choice gave you chest hair, you should revel in it. Do not chop it off with some cheap razor and flush it down the toilet. Depending on your religious affiliation, shaving may anger your God, since you are spurning his/her/it’s wishes. Better to err on the side of chest hair caution, and not piss off the Gods.

This movie kind of puts my article about chest hair to shame..

3. If Every Guy Stops Shaving His Chest, Hairy Chests Will Become Popular Again

This one is obvious. The only way we can truly bring back the hairy chest is to flaunt it, flaunt it, and flaunt it some more. We should all lobby our place of work for “Shirtless Hairy Guy Wednesday” as a promotion for our way of life.

4. The Jersey Shore Is NOT a Blueprint for Humanity

I admit, I may have been subconsciously swayed by the men on this show. These men clearly spend multiple hours every single day grooming: shaping eyebrows, styling hair, tanning, and SHAVING THEIR ENTIRE BODIES. This behavior should not be encouraged. After all, I am not “The Situation,” abdominals-wise, nor will I ever be. So when I shave my chest, I look more like a giant baby than an overgrown “Ken” doll. Sure, I could hit the gym, but why can’t you ladies just like me for me, gorilla-chest and all?

5. Body Hair is an Evolutionary Adaptation to Protect the Body from Extreme Temperatures

Can’t argue with science, can you? I didn’t think so. Hair keeps the body warm in winter, and protects it from the sun in summer. Shaving your chest hair in order to look cool is like cutting off your ears in order to look cool. They’re both stupid.

 

6. Other Animals Don’t Shave Their Chests

When was the last time you saw a mongoose shave his chest? Never. Mongooses don’t shave their chests. Neither do Platypuses. OR ANY OTHER ANIMAL. Animals love themselves the way they are. They embrace their imperfections. If elephants had human brains they’d probably all get nose jobs and end up dying of thirst.

7. Chest Hair is Manly

Having chest hair proves that you are a man. Otherwise, people may not be sure. They may say “ I think that’s a man, but how can I be sure? His chest is so hairless and oily.” So better to be on the safe-side.

8. A Hairy Chest is the Cheapest Fur Coat You Can Buy.

Not to mention how humane it is. Think of all the minks you’ll be saving.

9. What’s Next, Shaving Our Backs?

Chest shaving is a slippery slope. First it’s our chests, then who knows what those monsters in the media will have us shaving tomorrow?!

Pretty much sums up my whole point.

Conclusion

I will never take my chest hair for granted again; I have learned my lesson: I am sexy because of my chest hair, not in spite of it.

This lady will review ANYTHING.

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Comments 21 comments

mynameisnotpaul profile image

mynameisnotpaul 6 years ago from Kentuckeh'

I giggled. A lot.


AdamGee profile image

AdamGee 6 years ago Author

Thanks :)


wavegirl22 profile image

wavegirl22 6 years ago from New York, NY

You know I once dated a guy that was so hairy .. actually he had survived melanoma. . and so he needed to have his apey body hair removed. . and as shaving was too much of an ordeal and one other method was so expensive he opted for electrolysis. Problem was they had to do one inch each visit. He started to look like a sweater unraveling! It was just too funny to watch . .Kinda like this Hub! Love your sense of humor:)))

p.s. i do like a man with a hairy chest . . borderline on the back though hehhe


AdamGee profile image

AdamGee 6 years ago Author

I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. That's really funny about your friend, and his unraveling sweater :) As for back hair, yeah, I could understand women not being into it. Thanks for the all of your compliments :)


fishtiger58 profile image

fishtiger58 6 years ago from Momence, Illinois

Wow that was great. I laughed and smiled all the way through. Excellent hub Adam, my favorite hubs are the ones that make me laugh.


AdamGee profile image

AdamGee 6 years ago Author

Thanks so much Fishtiger, I really appreciate your compliments! And I'm glad it made you laugh :)


Jayne Lancer profile image

Jayne Lancer 6 years ago from West London, UK

I very much agree with your arguments as to why a man should keep his hairy chest, and I've seen the suffering of many a man who has decided to get rid of it.

A fun read, Adam!


AdamGee profile image

AdamGee 6 years ago Author

Thanks, Jayne! I appreciate your positive feedback :)


diabetesreporter profile image

diabetesreporter 6 years ago from Eureka, California

Wow. That was pretty funny. If people can't tell whether you are a man or a woman with your shirt off though, you've got some more serious problems than just body hair.


AdamGee profile image

AdamGee 6 years ago Author

Thanks for commenting, diabetesreporter. I think you make a good point :)


PC 5 years ago

Damn I shaved my chest hair and its so itchy, the exact symptoms you described. I never ever will shave again, it itches so bad. First I thought it was just me then after a bit of searching around on the internet, I realised it is meant to itch. I guess God is just punishing us men when we shave. Haha.


AdamGee profile image

AdamGee 5 years ago Author

I can definitely sympathize PC! And I think you're right, God is punishing us when we shave because s/he wants us to appreciate the beauty of what s/he gave us. Or something.


mark 4 years ago

am 17 years old lad and i have a lot of chest hair what is the best way to shave it thanks


John 4 years ago

Should have waxed mate


contentpundit profile image

contentpundit 4 years ago from Chennai, India

I totally agree with the point that chest hair makes a guy as manly person.


Shya 4 years ago

Body hair is awesome. I love it. On anyone. :D

I have poor circulation and I'm always cold-skinned, so the hairier, the warmer, the nicer. :)


Ty 3 years ago

You're an idiot dude.


Jameson 3 years ago

With the exception of the first one, none of these are valid reasons AT ALL. Most of them are just jokes. 2.Bringing "god" into it negates your entire argument as far as I'm concerned. 3. If everyone did ANYTHING it would be popular. Yeah, that's what makes it popular. 4. It isn't the Jersey Shore, it's the mainstream. 5. Evolution still gives us pinky toes, which we don't need. And I'm sure that argument will stop women from shaving their legs. 6. Other animals don't wear clothes, use deodorant, or brush their teeth. How far do you want to take this? 7. (Face palm) Really, that's what makes you a man? 8. I can't remember the last time I said, "wow, I know it's 38 degrees out here, but my chest hair is keeping me toasty!" 9. Yeah, what's next, holding men up to the same standards as women?! Ridiculous! Finally, I have to say, I've got a full-on dark hairy chest. It's disgusting. It looks like I've got a carpet of pubes running from my neck to...well, you know. No one is telling me I'm sexy or manly.


It's funny 3 years ago

Just about all those reasons apply for women and leg/armpit hair. They should stop shaving too :)


steven 3 years ago

am 16 years old and i have started to get chest hair and cant wait for it to grow


Lolol 2 years ago

Agree completely. The only reason you should cut it down was if it was unhygienic or something. If you have so much hair that mosquitos are breeding in there, then cut it? Funny post, though. :)

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