These Tights Are Not Pants
American Apparel has made a stand for all that is good and right in the world by printing a large label inside their pants that notifies the reader that the piece of apparel they are about to don is not a pair of pants.
In recent months, the 'tights as pants' phenomenon has spread across the globe. Here's a few reasons why its disturbing, and a few reasons why it is awesome.
It makes your ass look huge. Huge. HUGE. Even if your ass isn't large. Even if you have a relatively small butt, wearing tights as pants is the quickest way to look like an elephant. It's so ironic that women, who have been asking 'does my butt look big in this' for years are now choosing in droves to wear the one garment guaranteed to add a good ten pounds to their derriere.
It makes you look like you forgot to get dressed. Yeah, I know there's a certain bohemian charm to wandering about the place in a pair of flats, some tights and a loose top. There are probably some beads and oversized sunglasses involved in the mix as well. But tights give a girl an incomplete look, mostly because tights haven't been worn as pants since ye olden days, which brings me to...
I deal with the tights as pants look simply by imagining that all the girls wandering around in tights are actually wandering minstrels from medieval times, looking for a court to play in. Wearing tights as pants isn't a new trend, it's a very, very old trend. And of course, like all women's fashion seems to nowadays, its a remake of male fashion from years gone by.
Once upon a time it would have been perfectly suitable for a squire to busy himself about a knight's horse wearing only tights and a tunic. Beads and sunglasses would not have made an appearance, but tossing a few cheap and gaudy accents at an outfit does not change its essential nature.
One should, of course, wear whatever the hell one wants. If you want to wear tights as pants, go ahead. It will no doubt be considered fashionable for a few more months at least, as long as Lindsay Lohan can make a buck from flogging her 'designer' products on the open market. One should never let the fact that fashion makes one look destitute or developmentally challenged get in the way of wearing it. Following trends is far more important than being comfortable, warm, or fully dressed.
I'm hoping that Lady Gaga's unitard fashion comes in next, it would be so delightful to see the little trendsters loping about the place occasionally digging out an unfortunate wedgie.
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