Top Ten Male Beauty Secrets | Who's A Pretty Boy Then?

Male beauty might be considered to be an oxymoron by some people who think that men are only good for coal mining and carrying shopping bags, but I have a dream, a vision, a hope for the future in which men can make their way in the world supported solely by their looks in a vapid dance of illusory seduction.

Fortunately for my dream, this is actually already happening for some lucky men cashing in on chiseled good looks, nice eyes and washboard abs. (If you're going to dream an effective dream, dream something that's already happening. That's where Martin Luther King went wrong.) They're sometimes male models, they're sometimes actors, but they're always really really incredibly good looking.

As is no doubt obvious to anyone with half a brain, there's not much more to life than being really really incredibly good looking, so without further ado chaps, I give to you ten tips (plus or minus a scale division) for becoming one of these really really good looking men. I can't promise that they will work for you, but I can promise that if they do, you'll have your very own harem of catalog models within a calendar month.


Seriously, you can do a lot for your face just by covering it up with a large pair of sunglasses. Women use this trick all the time, covering their flaws by simply transforming their faces with six yards of plastic and a tub of lipstick. Men can't use the lipstick trick, but they can use the next one on the list.


Don't shave for a day or two and let the stubble grow in rakishly. Combine this with sunglasses to look utterly mysterious, rakish and thoroughly attractive.

Hair Product

Use it. Doesn't matter what it is. So few men (over the age of thirty) actually use hair product that any evidence of it is equivalent to whipping out your doctorate in love.

Shiny Shoes

Women are sometimes like magpies, easily distracted by shiny things. Shine your shoes before meeting any members of the female sex and note the way they flock around, cawing and cackling.

Chin Implant

I saw this on one of those extreme makeover shows, and it made total sense. The problem with most men is that they're just not committed enough to add an artificial ledge to their face in the name of beauty.

Colored Contact Lenses

Contact lenses now come in colors, did you know that? You can appear to have pretty blue eyes, sparkling green eyes, or one of each. You can also have cat eyes, totally white eyes, or even eyes with radioactive symbols in them.


Johnny Depp did it first, so it is officially no longer considered gay. Eyeliner makes your eyes pop (not out of your skull, that would be debilitating to say the least.) Rather, it accents them in a way that the female sex is sure to find attractive.

Amazon Kindle

Why not carry some of the latest technology around with you everywhere. People will assume that you are affluent, thereby making you appear more attractive even if you happen to be a hobo with a dog on a string.

Or, if all this is too much, just take the last two tips:

Brush your teeth.

Brush your hair.

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Comments 2 comments

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Cantsay 7 years ago

I reckon a little TINY bit of mascara can look OK too, but be careful as even the smallest amount too much and it looks a bit wrong.

But a nice thin brush style eyeliner - good call. Guess what I'll be investing in this week :)

I reckon it makes eyes look nice too, and on a guy, just apply subtly and all should be fine.

Thanks for the tips Hope!

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Cantsay 7 years ago

I just read the chin bit again, hahahaha love it :)

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