True pathos- mens fashions
OK, so he's one of those guys...
The most unambitious fashions of all time
Time to discuss something truly pitiful: men’s fashions. About as sexy as an enema in a museum. As elegant as a roadkill. Has there ever in human history been anything more boring, predictable, and utterly uninteresting? Status in a label, Y fronts for those feeling adventurous, and somehow still able to read the magazines. The Suit; the last word in anonymity. Comfort, mainly accidental. Patterns that a only manic depressive could love, compulsory crap with a sort of idiot’s lottery as the price tag. Implied class. Nothing worth describing as a material.
The main product is spin. It’s not what you’re wearing, it’s what you can say about it. Genuine designer stuff, great evening wear…. If you’re a necrophile.
Lapel-measurers rejoice, size does matter. You too can look like a paper dart. While the women at least get to wear something expressive, however optimistic, the guys get the Dry Cleaner’s Dream.
Then there’s The Shirt And Tie. How did this 50s icon reincarnate itself, and whom do we sue? The white shirt is occasionally a fashion statement for businessmen, implying housetraining and some ability to manage buttons, if nothing else. The tie is sometimes referred to as a “penis echo”, in which case human sexuality is in real trouble. Waddle up to some lucky woman and impress her with your ability to imitate the symptoms of some of the more dramatic diseases.
Accessories are advisable, in case you have the normal male face, which generally requires a few distractions for actual mating to take place. Draw attention to your trusty watch, signet ring, or other substitute for actual personal taste. She’ll never know it’s you in there. Add a pair of Podiatrist’s Friend shoes, slip-ons, of course, you didn’t need that Achilles tendon anyway.
Casual wear is equally enchanting, the main object being to appear as if you’re a biped who may once have been in contact with a laundry. For some men this is blatant misrepresentation and impersonating a mammal, but I suppose even suburbanites like to look as if they were once alive. For the full of figure, or full of anything else, there is the One Size Patronizes Everybody, the sort of thing that keeps the family genealogist away. Euthanasia off the rack. If you were unattractive to start with, this will go that last step to monastic life.
The ensemble effect is actually quite useful, in case there were any endangered species you really wanted to finish off, particularly your own. Nothing says stagnant gene pool like a diet biscuit with sleeves and matching slacks. All that happens is that you find intrigued anthropologists circling around. (I checked.) Nothing like hanging around with The Boys looking like a eunuch. Ah, these social aspirations….
As a real alternative to glamour of any kind, men’s fashions have it all. The dandruff-causing cap goes so well with the decaying collars and the oxidized armpits. The pants don’t come in anything like a size suitable for humans, unless you’re a structural engineer who likes meeting people.
The most likely development will be The Greenhouse Look. Something to wear to the current disasters. We could probably manage that. I visualize something light, with little pictures of malaria zones and trendy polluters. There’s something appropriate about men’s fashions as an environmental impact statement.
For the really dedicated, you could even install some topsoil on the clothes. Maybe a few crops, some maize and perhaps a rice paddy or so for the summer. Intrigue your friends and others with your impacted deposits….. you wouldn’t need a tailor, you’d need a geologist. You could nearly always dig yourself up if you wanted to.
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