You Are a Potato!

Yep. That's a spud! by rlz
Yep. That's a spud! by rlz

Are you a middle-aging guy who gets bluer and bluer each time you glance in the mirror? Beginning to resemble your Dad a bit too much? In a scary way? Take heart — and let me help you see yourself in a whole new light.

It’s true: the effects of aging on the two-score-and-more male cranium are not pretty. Like Florida-bound snowbirds, once-lustrous locks slide off your skull for points south, taking up residence on back and buttocks. Your dome goes out of round and becomes lumpy and bumpy, taking on an ever more coarsened texture. That once-cleft and -chiseled chin retreats within jawline jowls and thickening neck. Enlarged pores and pimples and dimples and skin tags and wens have their way. As your ears and nose continue to grow throughout life, you increasingly resemble a three-handled jug. Pigmentation, paled or pronounced, alters your cosmetic color scheme. And, worse yet, there’s not a whole lot you can do about it.

Women, on the other hand, find it possible to age much more gracefully and attractively. For one thing, there’s no female-pattern baldness affecting 3/4ths of womanhood. And there’s a massive entrenched global industry devoted to the maintenance of idealized feminized beauty. Powders and perfumes and Pilates, diets and dos, nip/tucks and butt lifts, business heels and FM pumps, wigs and dyes and extensions and weaves, under- and over- and in-between-garments galore, fashion and color and style and sass — ladies can sample a veritable smorgasbord of aesthetic engineering.

It’s no wonder then that we often see women as delectable fruit — a blushed peach at the peak of freshness; a luscious plum, firm and flavorful; a ripe round cherry, colorful and tart and zesty and succulent all at once.

But, face it, guy, you are a potato! You are as creased and misshapen and asymmetrical as that oblate Yukon Gold moldering in the pantry! Smudged with variable earthen tones, winking out of two or more eyes, trailing those wispy fibers, you seem like nothing so much as a walking, talking tuber!

And, try as you might, you can’t really alter your recipe much, either. Head to the gym and work out all you want; you’ll still end up looking like a spud in spandex. Dress up any way you like. That’s right, don the navy suit with the red tie, or the charcoal suit with the red tie, or the black suit with the red tie, or even the tux with the black or white tie. Then, go to the wedding or the fundraiser or the reunion or the opera, and look around. What do you see? I’ll tell you what you see: a whole bunch of interesting-looking women commingled with a veritable field of spuds in suits. Spuds of varying age and size and texture and tint, it’s true, but spuds still. And spuds abound in rickzworld.

Not a full potato yet — only half baked
Not a full potato yet — only half baked | Source

Guy wigs are only for the gay or the addictive attention-grabber (just ask Elton John or any of those recently outed Senators and Congressmen). Weaves and plugs and rugs and Rogaine are refuges of the sadly self-conscious scoundrel, and temporary holding patterns at best. Shaving one’s pate is often a worse option. After all, Charlie Brown is the only guy I know with a sublimely smooth spherical symmetrical skull. Shave YOUR head and you may be surprised to find it looks like it was bounced down a flight of stairs on its way to the razor. (Besides, as George Carlin famously stated, “If you want to go completely bald, do what I did. Wait a few years!”)

And cranial tattoos? Don’t get me started! There’s a reason skull ink is so popular in prisons: only socially maladapted individuals of suspect mental acuity, restricted to consecutive years of solitary confinement in execrable conditions, would ever think scribing an oversize potato with obscure symbology rendered in homemade ink is a worthwhile pastime. (Didn’t you ever make one of those cut-potato ink stamps when you were a kid? Wasn’t the result invariably gross, unappealing, impossible to recognize, and the total waste of an afternoon — not to mention a perfectly good potato? Enough said.)

So, what to do? I’ll tell you what to do! Embrace your tuberology! Savor your starchy potatohood!

After all, potatoes are essential to life! Consider how many generations have subsisted on the tasty nutritious root. You too are important to the continued sustenance of those around you, simply by the way you do your own unglamorous down-to earth thing. It’s your job, potato guy!

Though, upon springing from the earth, spuds may seem identically interchangeable, they soon pick out their particular potato path — scalloped, fried, baked, boiled, hashed and mashed — all eventually finding a route to our tables, our stomachs, our hearts. So, too, do we manly potatoes find our path. Seemingly similar in outward appearance, within we create a particular flavor for those about us to savor: a taste for family and friends to enjoy.

So, now that you know you’re a potato, don your staple crown, and relish your starchy substance!

Come and sing the spudly call — tuber one and tuber all!

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Comments 7 comments

stars439 profile image

stars439 6 years ago from Louisiana, The Magnolia and Pelican State.

It is simply all part of the grand design. God Bless You

The Rope profile image

The Rope 6 years ago from SE US

LOL! T-M-I!!! T-M-I !!! :) I've just got to share this...

trish1048 profile image

trish1048 6 years ago

Hi Rick,

This was very funny, and gave me a good laugh with my morning coffee.

Just remember, potatoes are always good, no matter how you slice it :)

rickzimmerman profile image

rickzimmerman 6 years ago from Northeast Ohio Author

Thanks stars, The Rope and trish for your kind comments. (Sometimes this potato feels not only simmered and stewed and sautéd, but also diced and riced and frittered. — The Spudanalogist.

Eileen Hughes profile image

Eileen Hughes 5 years ago from Northam Western Australia

rick that was great, yes us females may have a few tricks but then there are those of us that dont have the money for all those tricks and learn to live with it like men.

Although men are also doing some of these tricks too like hair growth and a few dyesand tucks tool.

But I loved your article a great perspective on life. I think we all have to think about the fact that we have got to this stage and count our blessings. Each day we wake up it is another blessing. thanks for sharing your humour.

Sembj profile image

Sembj 5 years ago

It is pleasant to think that potatoes are valued for their differences as well as appreciated in the way that they're enjoyed - even if they're not too good looking in their raw state. Thanks for the article and reassurance.

rickzimmerman profile image

rickzimmerman 5 years ago from Northeast Ohio Author

Hey, from one spud to another, stay cool there in your root cellar . . .

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