Swimsuits for men: Swim trunks, swim shorts and swim briefs

Wikimedia Commons. Michelangelo's David.
Wikimedia Commons. Michelangelo's David.

Guys, if there's a place where women's stares wander, that's the pool or the beach!

Did you ever stop to think about the effect caused by those trunks sitting below your belly? If you're my favorite average Joe, you didn't.

Did you ever stop to wonder what women think when you're wearing a tight short past graduation? If you're my favorite average Jack, you didn't.

Did you ever stop to imagine what your briefs look like when your hips are bigger than your shoulders? If you're my favorite average John, you didn't.

Well, here's a news flash, Joe, Jack and John: Women wonder, women think, women imagine and I'm afraid you wouldn't be happy to know what crosses their minds when they look at you!

Credit: http://www.jeffscondos.com -- If you're this old, then it doesn't matter what you wear, but since you're here, I guess you're a bit older, at least in body (cough) so pay attention to the advice.
Credit: http://www.jeffscondos.com -- If you're this old, then it doesn't matter what you wear, but since you're here, I guess you're a bit older, at least in body (cough) so pay attention to the advice.

Swim Trunks

Fellows, trunks are fine and perfectly acceptable, but they need to meet three important conditions:

First of all, they need to reach your knee at the most. Trunks that reach your calves are distinct reminders of long-johns, which had their heyday around 1860'. They are not sexy. I mean, not even your granny found them sexy on your granddad.

They are especially not sexy when you come out of the water and all that fabric clings to your legs. It simply looks like somebody pushed you fully clothed into the pool. In a word, you look like a moron.

Plus, you need to be fit to wear those, I've seen more than one chunky fellow in trouble to get out of the pool, fabric weights a ton when wet, so imagine how ridiculous it looks if you can't "master" your bathing suit.

Credit: http://www.garysteiner.com --   Pick any, just make sure it fits you!
Credit: http://www.garysteiner.com -- Pick any, just make sure it fits you!

Second, they need to be your size and can't ever be worn under your belly. Never ever. Got it? I'm not saying you can't show up at the pool if you have a beer belly, by all means please do, but don't flaunt it, all that flesh hanging from the precipice of your trunk line looks hilariously ridiculous. Trust me, it does. So wear your size, it has to fit your waistline so that you don't... spill.

Third, and please pay attention to this one, your trunks have to cover your derriere. You heard me. This is an extension of the above. Wear your size and avoid showing what we all know is there anyway. Maybe you don't realize you're showing anything, right? We all know how men are notoriously unaware of their own looks, but you can do a little check: place yourself sidewise in front of a mirror and kneel over, as if to touch your toes. You see it? So will everybody else! Ding!

Seen on hotterinhollywood.com, but it's really from flickr and I'm really sorry I can't find the author to credit them.
Seen on hotterinhollywood.com, but it's really from flickr and I'm really sorry I can't find the author to credit them.

Swim Shorts, Tight Shorts

Everything I said about trunks applies to regular shorts. The funny thing about shorts is that they're usually worm with a lot more style. Men who pick shorts seem to be more aware of their appearance. Ladies, am I right? Yes, I am!

Shorts are very cool, they show most of you, but discretely hide the most relevant asset (pun intended). Women can get a good look at everything, but they will continue wondering about that. You have the upper hand when that happens

Tight shorts are obviously for the well-built fellow, in all departments, if you get my drift. Truth be told, anybody can wear a tight short if they so wish, but it pays to know how you're going to look in them.

If you look yourself in the mirror and feel like laughing out loud, maybe you want to reconsider those tight shorts. I'm saying you'll feel like laughing because I still don't know a regular Joe, Jack or John that feels like crying when they look themselves in the mirror. You know what I'm talking about, guys: You take a gander at those long-gone pectorals and the only thought that gets into your head is what's for breakfast. Do I lie? Do I fabricate? Of course not, I speak only the truth!

So if you face off a mirror while sporting a pair of tight shorts and you still think, hey I'm too sexy for my body, then I'd say you really are, and you're the kind of fellow that will stroll confidently to a spot near the pool, chin up, in a way that will turn heads, male and female, inviting all looks to fall on you, because, ladies and gents, a real man is in the premises. If you're that kind of man, tight shorts are for you.

Credit: Christian Montone @ flickr -- Old fashioned sexiness, compliments of Speedo and the daring fellow in the middle.
Credit: Christian Montone @ flickr -- Old fashioned sexiness, compliments of Speedo and the daring fellow in the middle.

Swim briefs, men's bikinis

Boys, men, fellows of all denominations, listen up: You are entitled to wear briefs, yes, you are, but do you really want to?

In my expert opinion, there is only one type of guy that can pull off a brief: The sexy, irresistible, out of this world, this type doesn't exist in my neighborhood kind of hunk. The kind of guy who appears on Calvin Klein underwear ads (or Armani underwear ads, let's not be picky). The kind of guy whose bones women want to jump, in briefs, shorts or trunks!

Joe, Jack, John, are you this type of guy? Then go for tight and daring briefs! Women will eat you with their eyes (men will want to wring your neck, but ignore them, or better yet, look at them with disdain and superiority), but it really doesn't matter what you wear, you know, because no woman wants you in it for very long.

Now, Joe, Jack, John, if you aren't this kind of guy, you seriously need to rethink the men's bikinis. They are only appropriate if:

  • Your shoulders are wider than your hips, and
  • You don't have a beer belly, and
  • Your groin area doesn't sport more hair than your head, and
  • At least a woman friend approves of your brief and how it looks on you before you expose yourself to the masses

 

How to pack your stuff

Credit: http://www.ojodigital.com
Credit: http://www.ojodigital.com

Sir, may I beg your attention please

Joe, Jack, and John, we know you have it. We all studied human anatomy. And because we did, most of us know the difference if you pack it to make it look spectacular. Especially women. You won't fool them, quite the opposite, they will think you a pathetic fool. Seriously. Ask them.

As in most instances in life, discretion is the better part of valor. Packing discretely doesn't only show taste, it shows self-assuredness and inspires that little bit of mystery and wonder.

Gents, avoid the temptation to turn it left or right, avoid the temptation to do anything with it that it wouldn't naturally do. Plain and simple, let it hang between your legs.

This is especially important if you wear briefs. In this case, it needs to hang and hide between your legs. Unless you are the Calvin Klein underwear type. Then it really doesn't matter one way or the other.

More by this Author


34 comments

Justine76 6 years ago

HAHAHHAAA!!!! This was great. I so prefer the guy who wears shorts/trunks that fit. I am uncomfortable with speedos even if the guy is a Calvin Klien model.


Shadesbreath profile image

Shadesbreath 6 years ago from California

You take a gander at those long-gone pectorals and the only thought that gets into your head is what's for breakfast. Do I lie? Do I fabricate? Of course not, I speak only the truth!

I LOL'ed at that.

Great hub. Funny. True. Sad. (sigh). Oh, and that picture of the three guys in black and white, the one with the middle guy you called "Daring fellow." What's the guy on the right looking at? lol.

Good stuff.


Buffoon profile image

Buffoon 6 years ago Author

Justine, I'm very pleased that you HAHAed at this one :) I'm with you on errrr avoiding the speedos, it's really not appealing, and sometimes the vision is even disturbing!

Shadesbreath, I'm relieved that you didn't tear this apart :) I'm also happy that you laughed as it's in my buffoon heart to entertain. That daring fellow and the dude on the right, well, we can speculate, can we not? LOL

I appreciate that you guys visited!


europewalker profile image

europewalker 6 years ago

Very funny and informative,love this hub!


Buffoon profile image

Buffoon 6 years ago Author

europewalker, pleased that you found it funny and, yes, informative :) If you have a guy in your life, keep him in check now with some of these tips *g*


Elena. profile image

Elena. 6 years ago from Madrid

Dude, this is hilarious! I hardly ever visit hubs in the "Fashion" category, but your David up there caught my eye and made me wonder. Am I glad I stopped by, fun fun fun! Plus your advice is spot on, in my humble opinion! Very well done!


Buffoon profile image

Buffoon 6 years ago Author

Thanks Elena :) My buffoon hat is jingling, I'm all excited that you had fun :)


Enelle Lamb profile image

Enelle Lamb 6 years ago from Canada's 'California'

Sadly, I wish more men would take your advice...NOTHING turns on a girl more than an over abundance of belly and a too-small bathing suit! (...and I quote, "EWWWW")


Buffoon profile image

Buffoon 6 years ago Author

Well, I gave some anti-EWWWW advice here, Enelle, now you just have to cross your fingers that the fellows heed it :) Of course, you could get lucky and get to see those fellows that can wear briefs or tight shorts, too! One can always hope!


Petra Vlah profile image

Petra Vlah 6 years ago from Los Angeles

Since there are few Calvin kline, very few Armani and even fewer David around, men like Joe, Jack and John should read, understand and take your advice to heart; it will spear them some embarrassment while making our life at the beach less “interesting” in terms of deciding where those man stand in a scale from 1 to 3 ½


Buffoon profile image

Buffoon 6 years ago Author

Scale from 1 to 3 ½! I laughed at that :)

I think if Joe, Jack and John did away with the very long trunks and the speedos at once, we could probably be talking of a scale from 1 to 6 at least! LOL!


Kenny  6 years ago

This is great. Style of these suits completely depends on the culture of where you are. I guess you could say your swimsuit says a lot about you.


Buffoon profile image

Buffoon 6 years ago Author

I'm sure you can say that Kenny :) It's the same as with any other type of clothes, right? Whatever you wear sends a message about you and I agree that it depends on the culture, let's say that my take here is for the Western world :)


Kathy 6 years ago

Personally, if the men are build like him. I would prefer they wear exactly what Michelangelo's David is wearing.

Of course, I and my girlfriends will still be wearing our suits.


Buffoon profile image

Buffoon 6 years ago Author

Hehe Kathy, pity men aren't usually buil^t like good ole David! :) Guess I wouldn't mind the show myself, if that were the case, but then I may get mighty jealous *G*


Kathy 6 years ago

Buffoon, it does not matter how you are built as long as you are male. All the males at our parties are dressed like this, totally naked while NONE of the women are. I hope you would still like to come to the party. We have about 3 or 4 women for every male at the party.


Daringest 6 years ago

Whoever wrote this rubbish ia very ugly, sexist an insecure person. What she says she feels about men is how she feels about herself in a maillot or a bikini. The women who wrote the juvenile "EWWW" responses aren't so great either. The world would be a lot better place without bullies like you.


Buffoon profile image

Buffoon 6 years ago Author

Dude, you really need to go buy some sense of humor, 'cause obviously you weren't born with it. Go on, there's always some on sale at chillout.com :-*


brainstuffsme profile image

brainstuffsme 5 years ago

LOL, the photos are great.


Buffoon profile image

Buffoon 5 years ago Author

:) glad you enjoyed!


sligobay profile image

sligobay 5 years ago from east of the equator

Funny stuff and great images. Voted up and funny.


Buffoon profile image

Buffoon 5 years ago Author

Cheers, sligobay! :)


Daringest 5 years ago

Sexist rubbish!


Buffoon profile image

Buffoon 5 years ago Author

Not sure how youor name and your brain connect there "daringest" HAHA

Any which way, buy yourself a smile and chill! :D


AtlantaSwim 5 years ago

Five days a week I wear briefs to swim laps. Most of the other guys do, too. It's a simple matter of comfort and aerodynamics -- or is that water dynamics? Speedos (swim briefs) allow you to move faster through the water, unimpeded by extra fabric. I also play water polo and for that sport briefs ARE the uniform. Although it may not be appropriate for the majority of men, out of shape as they may be, to pull on a swim brief and head to the local beach, at the lap pool it is fine. I've seen guys of all shapes and sizes in briefs and it doesn't bother me or offend me in the least. Just as I am not offended by overweight women in their bathing suits. Swim briefs are a practical, logical choice for lap swimming. Like wearing a jockstrap for basketball, they serve an athletic purpose -- they are not really a fashion statement.


Buffoon profile image

Buffoon 5 years ago Author

Yoo AtlantaSwim! You're totally right about briefs being THE adequate thing for water sports, the less fabric one carries around the better! Hope you can see the humor of this piece and the fact it's not really related to "sports". It's, as you probably guessed, a tongue in cheek outlook to men's swimwear :)


Howard 4 years ago

I don't get it. Why is it absolutly ok for al woman to wear a bikini, and hardly never talked about, when the men among is suddently has to be "David's" to use a speedo or else it's completely disgusting? Speedo is for me the ultimate swimweare, in the pool as well as the beach. I want a tan on most of my body, and I want to dry quickly. Speedo makes my "stuff" stay in place in any activity. And I realy don't care if people can see that it's something inside my speedo, they already know, it's not a secret and surprise, if it is, go ask your mom.


Buffoon profile image

Buffoon 4 years ago Author

Yoo, Howard! Does tongue-in-cheek mean anything to you? If so, no need to get your speedos in a twist! Plus, I'm glad you're happy with 'em Speedos :)


Wadhamite 4 years ago

Isn't modesty the real issue? The law says my penis must not be exposed to others. If it's covered, and I'm legal, what else matters?


Buffoon profile image

Buffoon 4 years ago Author

You have a point, Wadhamite, modesty may be what really matters when it comes to using any sort of clothes :D This here is just the funky take on aesthetics. Happy bathing :)


Say Yes To Life profile image

Say Yes To Life 2 years ago from Big Island of Hawaii

Actually, I don't think liquid shorts are yucky on a fit man!


Buffoon profile image

Buffoon 2 years ago Author

Perhaps not on a fit man! What's your take on non-fit men though? :D


Say Yes To Life profile image

Say Yes To Life 2 years ago from Big Island of Hawaii

Yes, they're yucky on non-fit men - but they can do something about that!


Buffoon profile image

Buffoon 2 years ago Author

What would that be, I wonder? Lose the 'non fit' part of them :D

Seriously thought, I think there's a piece for everyone, the trick is using the one that fits you, rather that try to make some absurd "fashion statement" going for the one that fits nobody but 2 men on earth! :D

    Sign in or sign up and post using a HubPages Network account.

    0 of 8192 characters used
    Post Comment

    No HTML is allowed in comments, but URLs will be hyperlinked. Comments are not for promoting your articles or other sites.


    Click to Rate This Article
    working