7 Ways to Bother People on Facebook
Everyone knows Facebook can be a complete and total time-vampire that sucks the life out of your productivity. But why stop there? Why just waste your own time on Facebook, when you can just as easily waste everybody else's, too?
Don't you want to be that one annoying person that everyone secretly wants to unfriend, but won't because they're too afraid of offending you (or of getting 50 messages from you asking why they've unfriended you)?
If this sounds like someone you aspire to be then here are some suggestions to get you on your way to being a perfectly irritating Facebook user:
1 - Update your status 50 times a day.
At least. And make sure that the updates aren't anything particularly interesting. Talk in unnecessary detail about what you had for lunch.
In fact, scratch that. Just update your status with song lyrics. Make sure they're from popular songs that play on the radio all the time so everyone knows the lyrics already anyway.
Extra super bonus points if the lyrics you picked out vaguely have something to do with something going on in your life that you can complain about. ex. The lyrics are about heartbreak and you just broke up with your boyfriend/girlfriend; the lyrics are about life and death and you just had to put your goldfish down; the lyrics are about being poor (or rich) and you just lost your job; etc.
2 - Like someone's photos...a lot.
Once every half hour to an hour, so that they're clearly separate events and the person gets notified for basically each one (especially if they're on Facebook at the time), "like" one of their photos. Do this until you've liked each of their photos.
Better yet, comment on them. Each one of them. Each with one smiley or character or something similarly insubstantial that no one can draw any value from.
Even better yet, comment and like really old photos that they probably haven't looked at in at least a year or so. Bonus points if it was during an awkward phase in their life and it ends up on the front page of everyone's feed as a result of your bump.
3 - Change your relationship status every day.
And be in a relationship with someone different each time.
Make sure to subsequently change your status with song lyrics and a comment about how much you love this new person you're dating every time.
If you have time, go over to the person's house and take a lot of pictures of yourself with them and post them on Facebook all at once.
4 - Tag people as objects in your photos.
In every photo you have of yourself, tag people as the objects in the background. Try to make the taggings somewhat fitting or appropriate. For example, if a friend of yours is short and stout, tag them as the teatpot sitting on the shelf behind you, etc.
Try to tag at least 10 or 11 people per photo.
5 - Take 400 pictures of yourself that look almost exactly the same, but are from slightly different angles.
With a blurry webcam. Make sure to make a sexy and/or "fierce" face in most of them. Try to look like you're doing some kind of awkward modeling pose, but really suck at it.
6 - "Like" someone's status when it's something negative.
If someone writes that they lost all the contacts on their phone, like that status, but don't send them your phone number.
If someone writes that they're sad because their aunt just died, like the status.
If they break up with someone, like that status, too.
Really anything that is posted that you should really be sympathizing with, like the status.
7 - Get one of those "dislike button" plug-ins for Firefox and "dislike" everything.
"Dislike" people's pictures. Dislike their statuses. Dislike their videos, their comments, whatever.
Better yet, pick a specific person, and just dislike everything they do or say, like you have it in for them. Make people wonder what the heck happened between you to make you dislike them so much.
Dislike your own pictures and statuses, while you're at it.
And if there's anyone left that still likes you, unfriend them.
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