Email Forwards and their evil perpetuation

We all get them, Email Forwards. Those seemingly mindless email forwards, often passed on without thought, and often filled with threats of how your mother, dog, brother will die in 3 hours if you break the chain. I generally find these as annoying as the dreaded spam.

I am not talking about quick cute joke email forwards or even the picture forwards. The ones that truly annoy me include either a promise of good (Billy Gates is tracking this email and will send someone...), a threat to you (you're going to lose the one you love), or the one I find most offensive the one claiming you don't like God/Christ if you do not forward.

Let's take look at a few of these forwards one by one.

First Billy Gates does not (nor does anyone else) have any way of tracking email forwards, end of story, therefore he is not sending you any money for doing a forward, he is also not sponsoring a cancer child based on email forwards nor is anyone else and I am not a heartless ass for not passing it on, so let's stop this nonsense now!! Also, unless the email contained a virus no program will popup on your desktop, no cute puppy, nothing.

Second, I am not going to be "bullied" into passing on your silly forward. As a matter of fact any email containing any threat or promise is dumped by me into the recycle bin as soon as it is identified. I would have to be one sad, desperate individual to think that an email forward could change my destiny the worst that could happen is I'm going to break a nail hitting the delete key and even that is unlikely as I am a male with fairly short nails.

Third and last, religion based forwards. This is wrong in so many ways. Religion is a fairly personal matter and I don't care if you are christian, hindu, muslim or any other religion someone using your religion to threaten you for any reason much less just to get their email forwarded should be offensive! Also talk about micromanagement!! God actually cares if you forward an email???

So now you know. If you have my email address do not send me a forward with promises or threats if you want me to even look at it. If this saves me from just one of these emails it was worth the time it took to write this.

Comments 9 comments

BeautifulPhantom 8 years ago

But I try to only send you the cute ones!


uglydawg profile image

uglydawg 8 years ago from Vancouver, WA Author

I know you do, but I get so frustraed with the ones that even try to threaten my religious beliefs based on if I forward something or not.


IĆ°unn 8 years ago

red flag to a bull. bet you get MORE email forwards now. hahaha~

I feel pretty much as you do with less emotional investment in them. I find them generally annoying but par for me, I overcomplicate it by thinking about the whys.

I have a wonderful friend who unfailingly passes along email forwards to me. Many of them are cute - some are even real keepers, but even so I'm not fond of forwards... however... I love this woman.

It's a friendo of mine from church. She's 80ish and active and feisty and I can't think of a single thing I dislike about her and she receives and sends them not as a threat or a value judgement (usually the religious ones like you mentioned above) but more just because she enjoys being in that loop and it's part of her daily life. Under those circumstances, I am glad she includes me. :)


uglydawg profile image

uglydawg 8 years ago from Vancouver, WA Author

forwards are actually not all bad but I truly hate being threatened or bribed into reading or forwarding them especially when both the threats and the bribes are empty, and the person who forwarded it probably didn't actually read it themselves. I'd like them more if just one actually made me some money or got me sent to hell.... but, ain't happening.

anywho, moving on, yeah there are some I like and some people I enjoy getting them from but mostly just as bad as spam


Kenny Wordsmith profile image

Kenny Wordsmith 8 years ago from Chennai

These existed before emails, especially the religious ones, but now they can do it without much effort or money! There's a place reserved in hell for chain mail forwarders, I hope!


uglydawg profile image

uglydawg 8 years ago from Vancouver, WA Author

as do I Kenny... though some do it without thinking (bad enough) others do it thinking they are doing something For you!! (raising your awareness or something) and this to me is worse... if I want to be preached to I will visit the religous building of my choice


Eric Graudins profile image

Eric Graudins 8 years ago from Australia

Here's what I send back to them:

-----------------------------------------------------

Hello, my name is Eric.

I am suffering from several rare and deadly diseases, poor scores on final exams, extreme sesquepodalia, fear of being kidnapped and executed by anal electrocution, and guilt for not forwarding out 50 billion chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, that poor 6 year old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her off to the travelling freak show.

Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give $1,000 to you and everyone you send some email to?

If I scroll down this page and make a wish, every Playboy Bunny in the magazine'll visit me! What a bunch of B.S.!

So, basically, this message is a big ***** to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my apartment and terrorize me in my sleep for not continuing the chain which was started by Jesus in 5 A.D. and was brought to Australia by midget convicts on the Endeavour and if it makes it to the year 2026, it'll be in the Guinness Book of World Records for longest continuous streak of blatant stupidity in the history of the universe.

If you're going to forward me something, at least send me something mildly amusing.

I've seen all the "send this to 50 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a Nickel from some "omniscient being" forwards about 90 times. I don't give a damn!

THE FOUR BASIC TYPES OF CHAIN LETTERS:

Chain Letter Type 1:

(scroll down) Make a wish!!! Keep Scrolling No, really, go on and make one!!! Oh please, they'll never go out with you!!! Wish something else!!! Not that, you pervert!! STOP!!!! Wasn't that fun? :) Hope you made a great wish :)

Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be assaulted by a mad goat and thrown off a high building into a pile of manure.

It's true! Because, THIS letter isn't like those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!! Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. *Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter. *Send this to 5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter, and may form a plot on your life. *Send this to 10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter and will napalm your house.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

Chain Letter Type 2

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund.

Oh, and remember, we have absolutely no way of counting the emails sent and this is all a complete load of B.S.

So go on, reach out. Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder - if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly. Thanks again!!

Chain Letter Type 3:

Hi there!!

This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many sad jerks with nothing better to do. So this is how it works... Pass this on to 15,067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

*Bizarre Horror Story #1

Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died. This Could Happen To You!!!

*Bizarre Horror Story #2

Mortimer Snurd, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell and were cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity. This Could Happen To You Too!!!

Remember, you could end up just like Pinsley and Snurd. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be okay.

Chain Letter Type 4

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to all your friends.

FRIENDS:

A friend is someone who is always at your side.

A friend is someone who likes you even though you stink of poop, and your breath smells like you've been eating catfood.

A friend is someone who likes you even though you're as ugly as a hat full of road apples.

A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself.

A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your sad, sad life.

A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be mugged by mad goats, then thrown to vicious dogs.

A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet, vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English... no, sorry that's the cleaning lady.

A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of being rich to come true.

Now pass this on!

If you don't, you'll never be able to eat any type of food ever again!

The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it.

If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth, who's been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years, whose only saviour is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this mail, otherwise you'll end up like Miranda. Right?

Now forward this to everyone that you know otherwise you'll find all your knickers missing tomorrow morning.


Vinny 7 years ago

Ask your friends to use forwardOn.com. They automatically flag hoax and chain emails and that way its much easier to get your message across.


Mira8 7 years ago

Those religious emails remind me of the episode of the Simpsons where Lisa says "this is offensive to Christians AND prunes..."

If you aren't religious, those emails are offensive. And if like me, you are sincerely religious, then you get even MORE pissed off because it's such terrible theology. God doesn't care if you forward an email. All those forwards do is make Christians look like crazy people or idiots and we already have enough nutjobs working round the clock on that, thank you.

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