Funny Facebook Status

Facebook status.

Funny Facebook statuses

-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves
me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone o r make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

-The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never
be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first
saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the
only one who really, really gets it.

-How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I 'm trying to
finish a text.

-Was learning cursive really necessary?

-Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

-I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

-Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

-Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all
I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

-How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

-I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up
to prevent someone from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

-While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

-MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

-Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

-I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

-Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
I do!

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would
probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
want to have to restart my collection.

-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

-"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching
TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge
me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching
this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the
room. Will we still be friends after this?'

-While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China
and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that
when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?), 
but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and
goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone
and run away?

-I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing
anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...

-As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not
know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

-I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I
find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from
the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, f inding their cellphone, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I'd bet my yewt everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time...

-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the yewt do I respond to that?

-It really hacks me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the
link takes me to a video instead of text.

-I wonder if cops ever get ticked off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people
eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by
myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat yewt
before dinner.

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Comments 1 comment

Ruminations 5 years ago

Pretty sure you got that on runminations...these are NOT fb statuses, but nice try

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