I need a new computer

Computers make the world go 'round. Without computers, we would have to go outside and play. We would be forced to talk to the neighbors, walk to the mailbox, and play board games on real boards with real other people.

I need a new computer. My current computer still works: it adds numbers pretty well and it usually gets me onto the Internet, but the time has arrived for some serious new technology. New computer hardware and software must become a part of my life. I can no linger live without the latest and greatest gizmos. The quest for a new computer begins now.

What should be in my new computer? What magic components will improve the quality of my life? Read on to learn my plans for integrating all the coolest hardware and software. Nothing can be more fun than this.

I want speed. It should turn on fast, power-up fast, and do everything else fast. The desktop should be loaded before the monitor warms up. The CPU should be so fast that it costs 10 times what everyone else's CPU costs.

This CPU will have tons of cores. There will be a core for every program that I launch. Solitaire will have a dedicated core. There will be a core that does nothing but manage all the other cores. I want to be able to add more cores when I run out of cores. If I find a core in the street, I will bring it home and add it to my collection of cores.

This CPU will run cool. It will have frost on it. I will install a cooling system that uses leftover parts from a nuclear power plant. The system will be so cool that Fonzie will be jealous.

I want my programs to load fast. When I double-click on an icon, the program should be up and running between the first and second clicks. Even Gimp will load fast, which seems to be a physical impossibility.

When I get a new computer, it will have masses of mass storage. Every photo, video, email, document, pirated movie, and ringtone will be stored redundantly. I will never run out of space, but if I do run out of space, this new computer will have expansion capabilities for additional petabytes of online real-time solid state storage.

My backups will be backed up. Every storage device will be configured in a RAID configuration that ensures redundant redundancy operating transparently. When a device suggests the potential possibility of demonstrating a future failure, my new computer will automagically order a replacement that is newer and shinier.

This new computer will be wrapped in a case that is cooler than any other case conceived by mortal man. The swoops and fillets and divots and fairings will be designed by highly educated design school graduates who will clamber over each other for the privilege of working on my computer case.

it won't look like a computer case. It will look like a chunk of high art that belongs in a high art museum. Art students will read about it in graduate-level text books. Entire web sites will be dedicated to moodily lit black-and-white photographs of my computer case.

As anyone with a Master's Degree in Computer Science already knows, a computer without an operating system is an expensive doorstop. My new computer will have the most modern operating system available outside the NSA. Computer geeks from all over the county will have their Moms drive them to my house to gaze upon my operating system.

Multitasking? My operating system will run every program at the same time. When I install a new program, that program will become part of the operating system. The kernel will absorb the new program. Any new devices added to the system will be immediately detected by the O/S and assimilated into the collective. Devices that have not yet been invented will appear as friendly icons in a jovial folder for few brief nanoseconds as the operating system configures dynamic drivers in real time.

Blue Screen of Death? The operating system on my new computer cannot be killed. The most virus-laden evil implementation of a Nigerian bank scam will merely cause my O/S to pause briefly while its artificial intelligence modules reprogram the program so it plays nicely with all the other programs. No program will ever be turned away because it can't get along with the other programs.

My uber-fantastic new computer will hook up to devices. If it's digital, my computer will talk to it. My web cam will make Steven Spielberg jealous. My printer will be the envy of Random House. The tower will have an extra tower to hold all the USB ports.

it will be impossible to plug in the wrong device. Every device will plug into every connector. When the computer boots up, it will interrogate every electronic gizmo in the building and take control of all of them. I will control my neighbor's thermostat from my computer.

Wireless devices will submit to my new computer. The motherboard will include built-in WiFi, Bluetooth, WiMax, WAP, 802.11[a-z,A-Z], WAE, WSP, AM/FM, short wave, and microwave. HAM radio operators will covet my wireless network.

No one will have access to my computer except me. My aura will be my login credentials. When I walk in the room, my system will instantly recognize me as the person who I am and greet me with a soothing glissando custom composed for me by grammy-winning people who actually write the music that is sung by pop stars.

All my data will be encrypted. The encrypted data will reside on magnetically-shielded storage devices impervious to hackers, crackers, and high school kids. I will have hardware and software encryption. My encryption keys will be encrypted. The encryption keys required to decrypt the original encryption keys will be stored in a hermetically sealed Adamantium/Carbonite composite footlocker that is locked inside a NEMA-13 enclosure wrapped in duct tape.

Very soon, all this will be mine. My computer will be better than yours.