Witty, Funny Status Updates And Quotes
A unique collection of witty, funny Facebook statuses, funny quotes and memes for you to use as funny status updates on Facebook and Twitter.
Funny Status Updates:
- Sharing used to mean having good manners. Now it means publicizing what you are doing on Facebook.
- I saw your status and I laughed so hard tears ran down my legs.
- Thanks for sharing what you eat. Guess what! I eat too.
- Yes, I let my pets make relax on the couch, that's why it's called FURnature.
- I bought a slow cooker. Then I wondered why I didn't just use my fast cooker on low heat!
- You cannot push yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
- What's blue and not heavy? Light blue.
- Dogs can't operate an MRI but CATSCAN.
- Dear YouTube, I will always skip the ads.
- I wish my wallet came with free refills.
- I constantly check my phone for no reason.
- My name is Google and I am the one you've been searching for.
- Fanipad: Someone who is a fan of ipads.
- Fanipod: Someone who is a fan of ipods.
- I am learning to make eye contact before shoe contact.
- Fandroids: People who prefer android devices.
- My best status updates are the ones I've left unsaid.
- Why fall in love when you can just fall asleep.
- Remember when you were the best thing I ever had? Yeah. Me either.
- I can't take this long distance relationship any more. Fridge, you're coming to my room!
- Accidentally calling your Doctor babe. OMG.
- Nothing makes me smile more than the muscles on my face.
- IMMATURE: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
- Relationship status: Leaving Soon.
- Grammar is the difference between knowing your crap and knowing you're crap.
- That awkward moment when you accidentally call your boss "Sweetie".
- Sorry Television. The internet has killed you.
- Sorry Laptop. The tablet has killed you.
- I wonder if the clothes in China say "made around the corner".
- I'm livin' la vida-broka $$$
- "Justin is only famous for his looks" Beliebers: "Yeah, I bought his album to listen to his face".
- When I break up with my boyfriend I'm just going to yell "UNFOLLOW" and walk away.
- If you're my FB friend, I am stalking you. LOL.
- I've already forgotten 50% of yesterday.
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- Once in a while someone really amazing comes along, and here I am!
- Dieting is when you eat food that makes you sad.
- I want you to know I'll always be here for you (But only on Facebook. Don't go calling me up).
- When I text someone and they don't text me back, I assume they fainted with excitement.
- Won't be able to update my status for a while. I'm so busy being HOT.
- You wanna know who's an amazing person, with the most gorgeous smile? Read the first word again!
- I wish I could block some people in real life.
- Sometimes I wish I could download food.
- I cover my mouth when I sneeze so people don't catch my awesomeness!
- Wow, sure looks like I've logged into Sookbook today!
- Relationship Status: Unchanged since last week.
- Relationship Status: What relationship?
- I'm pretty sure you're not a car, get an actual photo for your profile.
- Anyone with over 500 Facebook friends shouldn't really need to take their own profile picture.
- Everyone has that one person on their friends list who keeps tagging them in embarrassing photos, and Karma will eventually come their way.
- I am not offering a free holiday. I don't have a terrible illness and I have not lost any weight. But you can like and share this status. For no reason.
- No Grandma they must have made a tagging error, that was not me in that photo.
- I'm very athletic. I surf the web for hours.
- When someone you meet asks for your surname, they probably want to stalk you on Facebook because they couldn't find you on Twitter.
- I wish Facebook notified me when someone deletes me, that way I could 'Like' it.
- I'll be back online in 5 minutes, if I'm not read this status again.
- I only look back when there's a really good view.
- Some call it stalking. I call it love.
- You call it stalking I call it following my dreams.
- My mom is on Facebook more than I am!
- You know you're Aussie when there's a spider the size of a dinner plate on your lounge room wall and you don't mind.
- If swimming burns off calories explain whales to me.
- I missed Gym class today, that's 6 years in a row.
- Some may call it flirting. I call it TALKING!
- You look like I need a drink!
- I've just about gone poor trying to look rich.
- Cinderella is proof that shoes can change your life.
- When I want to go home from work early, I just take my makeup off so I look pale and sickly!
- If someone says "I love you", and you don't feel the same, just say "I love YouTube" really fast.
- I'm not a Cougar, I'm a jaguar!
- I'm not shy, just hold back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you by posting fantastic status updates.
- Forget the skinny photos I want create my own before and after photos. Before I'm completely awake and after shower, hair and makeup. There is a huge difference
- I love it when someone updates their status saying they're doing something amazing but you can clearly see on their location that they are just at home.
- One day I hope to have as many friends as I do on Facebook.
- Why add me as a friend if you're not going to be friendly?
- No one knows you're stalking until you accidentally hit the Like button.
- Just because I added you as a friend doesn't mean you can tag and share photos of me from 1999.
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