Witty, Funny Status Updates And Quotes

A unique collection of witty, funny Facebook statuses, funny quotes and memes for you to use as funny status updates on Facebook and Twitter.

Funny Status Updates:

  • Sharing used to mean having good manners. Now it means publicizing what you are doing on Facebook.
  • I saw your status and I laughed so hard tears ran down my legs.
  • Thanks for sharing what you eat. Guess what! I eat too.
  • Yes, I let my pets make relax on the couch, that's why it's called FURnature.
  • I bought a slow cooker. Then I wondered why I didn't just use my fast cooker on low heat!
  • You cannot push yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
  • What's blue and not heavy? Light blue.
  • Dogs can't operate an MRI but CATSCAN.
  • Dear YouTube, I will always skip the ads.
  • I wish my wallet came with free refills.
  • I constantly check my phone for no reason.
  • My name is Google and I am the one you've been searching for.
  • Fanipad: Someone who is a fan of ipads.
  • Fanipod: Someone who is a fan of ipods.
  • I am learning to make eye contact before shoe contact.
  • Fandroids: People who prefer android devices.
  • My best status updates are the ones I've left unsaid.
  • Why fall in love when you can just fall asleep.
  • Remember when you were the best thing I ever had? Yeah. Me either.
  • I can't take this long distance relationship any more. Fridge, you're coming to my room!
  • Accidentally calling your Doctor babe. OMG.
  • Nothing makes me smile more than the muscles on my face.
  • IMMATURE: A word boring people use to describe fun people.
  • Relationship status: Leaving Soon.
  • Grammar is the difference between knowing your crap and knowing you're crap.
  • That awkward moment when you accidentally call your boss "Sweetie".
  • Sorry Television. The internet has killed you.
  • Sorry Laptop. The tablet has killed you.
  • I wonder if the clothes in China say "made around the corner".
  • I'm livin' la vida-broka $$$
  • "Justin is only famous for his looks" Beliebers: "Yeah, I bought his album to listen to his face".
  • When I break up with my boyfriend I'm just going to yell "UNFOLLOW" and walk away.
  • If you're my FB friend, I am stalking you. LOL.
  • I've already forgotten 50% of yesterday.

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  • Once in a while someone really amazing comes along, and here I am!
  • Dieting is when you eat food that makes you sad.
  • I want you to know I'll always be here for you (But only on Facebook. Don't go calling me up).
  • When I text someone and they don't text me back, I assume they fainted with excitement.
  • Won't be able to update my status for a while. I'm so busy being HOT.
  • You wanna know who's an amazing person, with the most gorgeous smile? Read the first word again!
  • I wish I could block some people in real life.
  • Sometimes I wish I could download food.
  • I cover my mouth when I sneeze so people don't catch my awesomeness!
  • Wow, sure looks like I've logged into Sookbook today!
  • Relationship Status: Unchanged since last week.
  • Relationship Status: What relationship?
  • I'm pretty sure you're not a car, get an actual photo for your profile.
  • Anyone with over 500 Facebook friends shouldn't really need to take their own profile picture.
  • Everyone has that one person on their friends list who keeps tagging them in embarrassing photos, and Karma will eventually come their way.
  • I am not offering a free holiday. I don't have a terrible illness and I have not lost any weight. But you can like and share this status. For no reason.
  • No Grandma they must have made a tagging error, that was not me in that photo.
  • I'm very athletic. I surf the web for hours.
  • When someone you meet asks for your surname, they probably want to stalk you on Facebook because they couldn't find you on Twitter.
  • I wish Facebook notified me when someone deletes me, that way I could 'Like' it.
  • I'll be back online in 5 minutes, if I'm not read this status again.
  • I only look back when there's a really good view.
  • Some call it stalking. I call it love.
  • You call it stalking I call it following my dreams.
  • My mom is on Facebook more than I am!
  • You know you're Aussie when there's a spider the size of a dinner plate on your lounge room wall and you don't mind.
  • If swimming burns off calories explain whales to me.
  • I missed Gym class today, that's 6 years in a row.
  • Some may call it flirting. I call it TALKING!
  • You look like I need a drink!
  • I've just about gone poor trying to look rich.
  • Cinderella is proof that shoes can change your life.
  • When I want to go home from work early, I just take my makeup off so I look pale and sickly!
  • If someone says "I love you", and you don't feel the same, just say "I love YouTube" really fast.
  • I'm not a Cougar, I'm a jaguar!
  • I'm not shy, just hold back my awesomeness so I don't intimidate you by posting fantastic status updates.
  • Forget the skinny photos I want create my own before and after photos. Before I'm completely awake and after shower, hair and makeup. There is a huge difference
  • I love it when someone updates their status saying they're doing something amazing but you can clearly see on their location that they are just at home.
  • One day I hope to have as many friends as I do on Facebook.
  • Why add me as a friend if you're not going to be friendly?
  • No one knows you're stalking until you accidentally hit the Like button.
  • Just because I added you as a friend doesn't mean you can tag and share photos of me from 1999.

Author: StricktlyDating

Author holds copyright over this work. You can share this page by tapping a photo on the page or by copying the URL into your status update. Please don't copy and paste the text paragraphs or photos on the page as it's a copyright infringement.

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Poll about Facebook status updates

How often do you update your Facebook status?

  • 3 Times a day or more.
  • Every day.
  • About once a week.
  • I rarely post status updates.
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Comments 3 comments

stricktlydating profile image

stricktlydating 4 years ago from Australia Author

Thanks! Bob you are funny!


billybuc profile image

billybuc 4 years ago from Olympia, WA

Funny stuff here! Thanks for the share!


diogenes profile image

diogenes 4 years ago from UK and Mexico

You're a live wire, Strictly...I'd like to plug into your socket.

Bob's back.

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