WHO'S GOING TO THERAPY THESE DAYS?

My office
My office
Mount San Gorgonio
Mount San Gorgonio
I don't always dress like this.  Just for my all day laughter workshop!
I don't always dress like this. Just for my all day laughter workshop!
I thought I was successful with this couple.  Don't they look happy?  This was just a few hours after therapy?  I can't tell you what happened.  I shouldn't even have their picture here!!
I thought I was successful with this couple. Don't they look happy? This was just a few hours after therapy? I can't tell you what happened. I shouldn't even have their picture here!!
Just never know who the insurance company is going to refer these days!
Just never know who the insurance company is going to refer these days!
She was not happy when she found out that Santa was not delivering.
She was not happy when she found out that Santa was not delivering.
This is Santa Christmas day eating hor'devoures and trying to justify his initial decision not to deliver.  He is a sick man!
This is Santa Christmas day eating hor'devoures and trying to justify his initial decision not to deliver. He is a sick man!
Now does he look like he got something out of therapy?  Come on, look how happy he is after just three sessions with ME!
Now does he look like he got something out of therapy? Come on, look how happy he is after just three sessions with ME!

THE COUCH IS WAITING FOR YOU

Well, if you took a look at my appointment book, you’d come to the conclusion that NO ONE is going to therapy these days. I’m often intrigued by the Hollywood scene. It seems that anybody who is anybody in Hollywood and Beverly Hills has a therapist. So the challenge for me is how to get some of those celeb folks to drive a few miles to the east and begin seeing me for their weekly tune up.

There are lots of good reasons to come to Yucaipa to see Vern for therapy, lots of good reasons. I mean think about it. Instead of going to therapy in your own front or back yard where the paparatzi get to take your picture with that look we all get on our face before therapy and then get another shot of you on your way out with that after therapy look which is anything from sad, relief, to I’m going to kill that SOB, you get to walk into a classy office but in a quaint little town after grabbing a cup of coffee from the White Rabbit Coffee Shop across the street, and the only thing that is going to bother you is the gorgeous view of Mount San Gorgonio where you can go skiing after session. Or if you like, you can continue on for another forty five miles to shop in Palm Springs. What a deal!

Now I suppose for me, I would have to learn to put up with actors and actresses sniveling, “Hey, Vern, you know, haven’t been called for an audition for a few months, think you can give me a break on the fee?” See the last Hollywood person I saw, I found out that I am not a provider for the SAG mental health panel. And I would just have to remind them that their SAG insurance doesn’t cover their expenses at the medical marijuana store either, and I don’t hear them complaining about that. Probably doesn’t cover much of all that cosmetic surgery nor the nine martinis at Duke’s in Malibu. Oh I am just jealous. Of course, I will admit it! Well, not really.

As an aside, I was in a movie with Jack Nicholson once, a long time ago, before he was famous, back in 1962. It was a recruiting film for the Priesthood produced by The Hour of St. Frances. I have a copy of it, and I can recognize the back of my head, my favorite shirt, and my jump shot. Jack was as interesting and as unique then as he is now.

Well, the truth of the matter is, I was contacted by Ice Blue Cross just before Christmas and asked to see a celebrity. Have no idea how I got signed up to be on the ICE BLUE CROSS panel. I think they made me an honorary member, and at that, it ends up I am the only preferred provider in the entire Western Hemisphere.

This company provides insurance coverage for most of the folks who live around the arctic circle where it is standard practice to use ice packs for headaches, sore feet, and every thing in between, literally, everything in between. They even use ice for anesthetic during surgeries.

Well, Rudolph decided to get sober last summer and went to a rehab here in Yucaipa, and I was the only therapist willing to work with a reindeer, a sober one at that. Well, once treatment was complete, Rudolph’s nose wasn’t red anymore and Santa was quite distressed, went into a deep depression, and decided not to deliver the gifts.

Well, they were so impressed with my work with Rudolph, they referred Santa to me.

Of course, I did not believe the call. Thought it was a big joke. I mean I just did not make the connection. I worked well with Rudolph, why not Santa?

But lo and behold, there he was with his fat ass sitting on my couch.

I mean there were a slew of issues. His eating disorder for one. Then Mrs. Claus was quite concerned about the games he played with the reindeers (never did get into that), and of course the big item, how to get him motivated and into that sled for his annual run around the world to deliver the gifts. I mean he was just so depressed. He looked just plain pathetic slumped there on my couch. I mean I couldn’t believe it, almost didn’t want him to deliver the toys in that condition.

Well, you know, I could give you a play by play of each session. I don’t take much in the way of notes, but I have a good memory. Or I could just show you clips of the video. Yes, I videoed all three sessions.

You got your gifts, didn’t you? Of course, I was successful. Hey, check out your roof, right next to the chimney. Bet you got a pile of reindeer poop there. Yep, proof positive, I did my job.

So check out the three videos. Laugh and pass them on. I think they are irreverent and funny. If you don’t. What can I tell ya? Call me, make an appointment, even if you don’t live in Hollywood or Beverly Hills. And if you really didn’t laugh, GET A LIFE! And please don’t make an appointment! Not sure if I could help you! Well, on second thought, gotta get my appointment book looking like an appointment book. Call me. I’ll get you squared away or circled away or oblonged, obtused, perhaps, whatever your preference. You will never be the same, I can guarantee you that. You will know you came to therapy. You will know you are not crazy because I am. But you will know you’re a little better off than when you walked into therapy, and if you like, I’ll flash pictures of you coming in the door and leaving.

SANTA GOES TO THERAPY SESSION ONE

SANTA GOES TO THERAPY SESSION TWO

SANTA GOES TO THERAPY SESSION THREE

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Comments 8 comments

FGual profile image

FGual 4 years ago from USA

Oh Gosh, I cannot believe that Santa would need any therapy, he is the happiest one on earth. Delivering presents to all the children must be joyful.


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Funny, tongue in cheek humor and if we can't laugh at ourselves, we are in trouble! On a serious note, I have to say, most of us, at some point in our lives, would benefit from professional therapy. Today, as one of the unemployed, for the first time in my life, after just finalizing my divorce, I could have used some help. However, unemployment eventually, sooner than later for many, means no health insurance. I would imagine that today, its "do it yourself" therapy if one is lucky enough to have a compassionate friend. Hearing comments from our leaders, such as "shuffle out of your slippers and get a job" or "take a bath and get a job" only serve to further depress those who lost that job due to circumstances beyond their control. And, considering the reality that many of the unemployed struggle to afford groceries, the therapists couch might as well be the plastic surgeon's office. Not gonna happen.


vrbmft profile image

vrbmft 4 years ago from Yucaipa, California Author

Fgual, Merry Christmas! And think about it. Driving a precarious sled that requires moment to moment faith and magic, then going down chimneys with a bound, and then going back UP the chimney, children aside, not a job I would sign up for! Hope you enjoyed the videos. Thanks for reading and commenting.


vrbmft profile image

vrbmft 4 years ago from Yucaipa, California Author

Well, Amy, thanks for the optimism. Just what I needed to hear today. Looks like I just might take my friend up on his offer (He plays Santa Claus) and not only don a Santa Suit, but maybe an Easter bunny costume as well!!

Well, here's the deal with me. I have never turned anyone away who really WANTS therapy because of fee issues, insurance or no insurance. AND I reserve two slots a week for anyone here in town who needs, wants, therapy and cannot "afford" it. And when you travel down those particular paths that you have lately, you certainly deserve the opportunity for some "formalized" healing for yourself. So if you still want therapy, make some phone calls and see what a good therapist will work out with you. An affordable fee, payment plan, whatever you can work out. Even if you gave yourself the "gift" or one or two sessions or one session a month, you might find it to be a good decision, again with a good therapist.

I am so glad you stopped by to read and watch the videos. I think they are funny and I certainly enjoyed creating them.

AND take care of yourself. Eat well, get sufficient sleep, and EXERCISE, and CRY on any shoulder you can find. Well, perhaps not on just any, but find some good shoulders!!

Vern


Amy Becherer profile image

Amy Becherer 4 years ago from St. Louis, MO

Dear Vern, Thank you for some excellent advice. This time in my life has been a lesson in "hard times". It was easy for me to be "Pollyanna" when my plans followed through. The reality of the unexpected is altogether disorienting, disconcerting and depressing. Joblessness today is not a matter of laziness versus ambition. I saw a PBS "World" program called "Need to Know" and one 75 year old man, who nows lives with his wife in a Section 8 apartment, works at a filling station putting gas in tanks and cleaning windows so he can afford gov't housing! When the moderator of the program asked him what he would be doing at 80, he said "the same thing". Social security isn't enough to pay his rent. Believe me, if I thought anyone would pay me to fill their tank and wash their windows (gas is up to $3.55/gallon here), I'd be doing it!!!

I was just considering the EXERCISE idea today. I think its a great idea. Thanks, Vern.


vrbmft profile image

vrbmft 4 years ago from Yucaipa, California Author

Amy

You would be surprised what exercise will do for you. I used to run 6 miles as many mornings as I could, but then had some physical issues and so now I walk and I walk fast and I walk four to six, sometimes seven miles depending upon how much time I have and try to do that at least four times a week. You just cannot get uptight about ANYTHING after exercising like that! You actually enjoy the present moment. Get ahold of the Artist's Way and also Life's Lessons. Both of those books will walk you through this difficult, painful, depressing, sad, angry, challenging, and last but not least GOOD time of your life! I really do understand.

vERN


davenstan profile image

davenstan 4 years ago

Great hub! There were some funny parts, but the message to me is clear. Sometimes we all need a little therapy. Voting up.


vrbmft profile image

vrbmft 4 years ago from Yucaipa, California Author

Hi Davestan

Glad you thought it was funny. I enjoyed creating the sessions with Santa, and I laugh myself silly everytime I watch them and I was hoping for more response to the videos. I think we are all too serious these days. I walked into a salon today to make an appointment. I have known the owner since 1967, but this was the first time I noticed a sign on the window that said "No Peddlers Allowed." Haven't heard that term for a LONG time. After I made my appointment, I tracked down the owner and told him, tongue in cheek, that I was offended by the sign, that I was a peddler and I wanted to know why he was prejudiced against peddlers! I thought it was funny and expected him to laugh up a storm. He got very serious, apologized, and said something to the effect of "Oh No, you're welcomed here." I didn't even know what to say, other than, "Hey, I was just kidding......" What the heck is wrong with everyone today?!!

Anywho, thanks for reading this hub, a fun one for me to write. Take care

Vern

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