100 ways New England Ruins Everything

Red Sox: ruining baseball along with Yankee$
Red Sox: ruining baseball along with Yankee$

New England has a way of ruining things for the rest of the country

While it may be the cradle of our fine democracy, New England screws up a lot of what is good. Whether it is producing some of the most annoying and destructive people in the country or perpetuating the worst food traditions, New England often sucks. I am compelled to keep track of all the ways New England is ruining things for the rest of the country. The evidence is irrefutable. The country should look elsewhere for cultural, political, and culinary leadership. I nominate the Midwest.

100. Dunkin Donuts

99. New England drivers

98. Connecticut

97. Harvard

96. People who went to Harvard

95. Maine getting everyone's hopes up on gay marriage then letting us down

94. Family Guy

93. The Cleveland Show

92. Tom Brady

91. That whole thing with Henry Louis Gates, Jr.

90. New Hampshire Primaries

89. John Kerry

88. Clueless cab drivers in Boston

87. The Big Dig: Now when any other city wants to improve anything, some jerk says, "Remember the Big Dig?"

86. Emily Dickinson

85. Yale

84. People who went to Yale

83. Old money

82. Martha's Vineyard

81. Lobster

80. Salem witch trials

79. Puritans

78. Protestant work ethic

77. Parking in Boston

76. Lack of diversity in Vermont

75. Vermont thinking it's so progressive

74. 7-11

73. Religious intolerance

72. Latent racism

71. ACC expansion to include Boston College

70. Greenwich, CT

69. Foxborough, MA

68. Ben Affleck

67. Matt Damon

66. Dane Cook

65. People who like Dane Cook

64. People who quote Dane Cook

63. People who quote Family Guy

62. People who think Family Guy is funny for all the wrong reasons.

61. Boston accent

60. The Red Sox (with the exception of Kevin Youkilis)

59. No Happy Hour in Massachusetts

58. Douche-bags

57. Douche-bags at bars

56. People who pretend they have always liked the Red Sox, Celtics, or Patriots

55. Hartford, CT

54. UConn basketball

53. Patriot Fans

52. Movies that take place in New England

51. Jimmy Fallon

50. Men's Volleyball

49. Gelled hair

48. East Coast skiing

47. Genocide of Native Americans

46. John Smith

45. Baked beans

44. Massachusetts insisting on being called a commonwealth

43. Hasty pudding

42. People who quote "The Road not Taken."

41. People who insist on calling it "leaf peeping."

40. Judd Gregg

39. Dartmouth

38. George H.W. Bush

37. Rich prep schools

36. Contra dancing

35. ESPN

34. Sailing

33. Yachting

32. The Kennedys

31. The Harvard-Yale Game

30. Henry David Thoreau

29. Candlepin bowling

28. Olympia Snowe

27. Calvin Coolidge

26. Maple Syrup

25. The way people say Worcester

24. People say BosWash Megalopolis

23. Amtrak

22. The Whig party

21. The Federalist Papers

20. Slavery: it started in New England

19. Nautical-themed pashmina afghans

18. Clams

17. Aerosmith

16. Cape Cod style houses

15. New Hampshire not living free or dying

14. Having to correctly spell Connecticut, Massachusetts, Rhode Island, or Maine when in the third grade.

13. Middlebury Writers' Workshop

12. Franklin Pierce

11. No beer sales on Sundays

10. Samuel Colt

9. Mike Tyson

8. Martha Stewart

7. America's Test Kitchen

6. Andy Rooney

5. 50 cent

4. John Mayer

3. Joe Lieberman

2. Meat Loaf

1. George W. Bush

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Comments 8 comments

Russell-D profile image

Russell-D 6 years ago from Southern Ca.

But, none of those places mentioned have New England Lobsters. As a wise friend once said, "Lobsters are like Sex. There are no bad Lobsters." Also they have no Flume nor Cograil up Mt. Washington, Sandwich Glass or the huge Halibut towed thru the Cape Cod Canal. Or, even a Canal . Or, a Bay as gorgeous as Buzzards. I know you're trying for a put on, but please don't dismiss the natural beauty of the Green & White Mountains and a coastline others envy. David Russell


Woodson profile image

Woodson 6 years ago from Minnesota Author

It's not all bad. Just often.


beccas90 profile image

beccas90 6 years ago from New York

This is just a joke right? Surely you can spend your time on better stuff.


TommyG 6 years ago

Surely you can't be nominating Minnesota that's in Canada - right?


GhostWorks 6 years ago

...just for fun, I'll update Woody's list:

"New England has a way of making things awesome for the rest of the country.

Indeed, the cradle of our fine democracy, New England has overwhelmingly contributed to what is good about America. Whether it is producing some of the most creative and interesting people in the country or perpetuating phenomenal food traditions, New England often shines. I am compelled to keep track of all the ways New England is superior to the rest of the country. The evidence is irrefutable. The country should look elsewhere for cultural, political, and culinary failures. I nominate the Midwest."

****

THE FIRST 50

100. Dunkin Donuts ) !!!!!!!!!!!!! what the.........................?!)

> I'll tell you WTF: best ice coffee for the best price, and they serve it year-round... and did I mention PUMPKIN SPICE DONUTS?

99. New England drivers (screw that- narrow that down just fine to "Rhode Island drivers" and we're all set)

> Screw that, right back - familiarity of the roads (or lack thereof) is what determines accuracy and speed... as such, all drivers hate drivers from anywhere else, but hate their own the most (cos they should all KNOW BETTER!)

98. Connecticut

> Mystic seaport should not to be missed

97. Harvard

> Square

96. People who went to Harvard

> Almost all of them eventually move to California... and the Midwest!

95. Maine getting everyone's hopes up on gay marriage then letting us down

> Actually, that was Maine effecting direct democracy instead of succumbing to an oligarchy

94. Family Guy

> Is hilarious, unless you're under 20 or over 70. Or live in Minnesota.

93. The Cleveland Show

> Is set in Virginia, smart guy.

92. Tom Brady

> XXXVI, XXXVIII, XXXIX

91. That whole thing with Henry Louis Gates, Jr.

> Proved that Boston cops occasionally do the right thing and that college professors occasionally behave worse than students.

90. New Hampshire Primaries

> Get over it. The people of Iowa pick corn, the people of New Hampshire pick presidents.

89. John Kerry

> OK, you've got me there. Good lord.

88. Clueless cab drivers in Boston

> In 2006, The Metropolitan Airports Commission in Minnestota were considering granting special dispensation for Muslim cab drivers who wished to avoid transporting passengers carrying sealed bottles of alcohol.

87. The Big Dig: Now when any other city wants to improve anything, some jerk says, "Remember the Big Dig?"

> The chief companies who were hired and employed to provide safe and reliable services on time and on budget and failed monstrously and criminally (Bechtel and Parsons Brinckerhoff) are headquartered in San Francisco and New York.

86. Emily Dickinson

> As you probably wouldn't know, the work that was published during her lifetime was usually altered significantly by the publishers to fit the conventional poetic rules of the time.

85. Yale

> Jealous.

84. People who went to Yale

> Sigourney Weaver, Lewis Black, Bill Clinton, Ben Stein, f***ing Arthur Herbert "FONZIE" Fonzarelli for godssake!!? REALLY!?

83. Old money

> Clich├ęd.

82. Martha's Vineyard

> You don't get 'outside' much, do you?

81. Lobster

> Put it in ravioli and shut the hell up already.

80. Salem witch trials

> Puritans originated in England.

79. Puritans

> Like I said.

78. Protestant work ethic

> Eat pancakes and play video games, pal. Go ahead.

77. Parking in Boston

> I've never parked more than a block away from my destination. 75% of all my parking has been free. I rec'd a ticket for failure to pay a meter. Once. I've been parking in Boston for 21 years.

76. Lack of diversity in Vermont

> Too much ice cream, not enough Single Malt Scotch.

75. Vermont thinking it's so progressive

> They don't. You just think they do because you can relate to driving your dad's Saab to meet your connection and paying him for a bag with your trust fund money.

74. 7-11

> Slurpees. Are you mad?

73. Religious intolerance

> If you don't think the South's got us beat, kid...

72. Latent racism

> If the shoe fits.

71. ACC expansion to include Boston College (yeh- wth was up with that??)

> Who gives a toss about college sports? Please.

70. Greenwich, CT

> You envy money way, way too much.

69. Foxborough, MA (why?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!)

> We weren't going to shoehorn a stadium into Cambridge now, were we?

68. Ben Affleck

> Affleck was born in Berkeley, California.

67. Matt Damon

> Damon is a board member of Tonic Mailstopper, a company that attempts to halt junk mail delivered to American homes each day. He's a hero for that alone.

66. Dane Cook

> You watch his specials, pal.

65. People who like Dane Cook

> Your friends watch his specials with you, pal.

64. People who quote Dane Cook

> You know when someone calls you 'pal' and you're not pals? Yeah, f*** that, pal.

63. People who quote Family Guy

> "Attention restaurant customers: Testicles. That is all."

62. People who think Family Guy is funny for all the wrong reasons.

> But the right reasons are OK, though. There, we agree.

61. Boston accent

> What the heck d'ya meen?

60. The Red Sox (with the exception of Kevin Youkilis)

> Go Twins! Oh, wait...

59. No Happy Hour in Massachusetts

> Happy hours encourage binge drinking over a short period of time, with the only point to get as drunk as possible in a public place. Boy I wish we had those back!

58. Douche-bags

> You've apparently never been to Minneapolis.

57. Douche-bags at bars

> You've also never been to The 400 Bar in St. Paul, either.

56. People who pretend they have always liked the Red Sox, Celtics, or Patriots

> Agreed. But they live in every other region EXCEPT New England.

55. Hartford, CT

> Have you ever been to New Haven? Hartford is a palace, kid.

54. UConn basketball

> No one even cares about professional basketball. College basketball?

53. Patriot Fans

> "Purple pride"? - bwahahahahaha!!!

52. Movies that take place in New England

> OK, there is no N.E. equivalent of 'Fargo', I'll give you that.

51. Jimmy Fallon

> Only funny with Horatio Sanz.

50. Men's Volleyball

> Fruit boots ('inline skates') were invented in Eden Prairie. A profoundly more socially destructive invention in every way.


Woodson profile image

Woodson 6 years ago from Minnesota Author

I couldn't ask for a more thorough response. Well done.


mikenin profile image

mikenin 6 years ago from Las Vegas, NV

In what way is 50 cent, or Dubya related to New England?


ElleBee 4 years ago

Isn't Virginia also a commonwealth? And - Mikenin, the Bushes are New Englanders originally. Have a place up in Maine.

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