A Visit to the Topless Coffee Bar in Vassalboro ME

I'm Not Here For The Coffee

Saturday at 3 in the afternoon I walked into the "lobby" of the Topless Coffee Bar in Vassalboro Maine. I looked to my left and there stood a girl of about 22, tan, topless and smiling. I turned to my friend, still coming in the door, and giggled, "This is it." It was pretty exciting.

The Topless Coffee Bar opened it's doors about three weeks ago, attracting local and national media attention. A place like Vassalboro Maine being mentioned on CNN and featured in a popular YouTube video is pretty big potatoes and it's created about as much buzz as this area ever gets. Local people I've spoken to seem amused and pleased. Despite being a prudish puritanical group the whole scene is so silly and innocent (it's not a strip club or massage parlor, just a coffee shop, no alcohol even) that people are pretty light on the subject. The most negative thing I've heard about it is something along the lines of, "It's kind of weird, isn't it." Well, it is, and that said, I had to check it out first hand.

I asked a friend to go out with me, a girl about my age (late twenties) from the Portland area. She agreed to go without showing excitement or reservation, but once inside she seemed rather scandalized, which I hadn't expected. The place reminded me of a small pizza joint. The main room had tables and benches with a tiled floor. There was a small carpeted cove where the coffee pots sat along with a large drink cooler filled to bursting with gas station donuts and honey buns. There was a faux stone fireplace in the coffee cove, but it wasn't in use. And thank God, as it was about 85 degrees in there. There were big black speakers mounted in the sitting area blasting Rob Zombie, but the crowd was so giddy and convivial it sometimes drowned out the hammering beats of Living Dead Girl.

Once we sat down there was only one empty table of the fifteen. The place was packed. There was an older couple at one booth who'd we'd followed in. They were silent and smiling at one another like they were there to collect their lottery winnings. It was kind of heart warming to see them sharing the experience. The only other female customer was sitting amid a group of ecstatic 18 year old boys. I caught her eye at one point and she looked absolutely desperate. I wondered why she'd come to the place if it was so upsetting to her, much like I wondered about my own companion, who was clutching her cup of coffee and staring at the window two inches to her right, which was covered by corrugated white plastic, as if at the bars of a cell. The other tables were full of men, mostly in their late twenties to early thirties. They were all laughing and smiling, seemingly drugged by their good fortune. They joked with one another and bought each other donuts. "Tell you what Beautiful, bring us a round of Honey buns, on me!" That's going to cost you like 25 bucks, I thought.

On a stranger note, the one topless Waiter there turned out to be a friend of mine, a guy I knew fairly well and who I had no idea worked there until I walked in the door and saw him standing behind a girl with teardrop shaped breasts. He wore a tiny pair of shorts and sneakers and had an order pad strapped to his waist. All he lacked was a pair of roller skates. We laughed when we saw each other, embarrassed and happy at the same time.

"You like working here?"

"I Love it!" he said and laughed, letting his eyes rove the room. And I couldn't blame him. The place had the feel of a carnival, everyone happy, strangers laughing and talking with one another. The topless girls wandered the room, the color of cinnamon from the tops of their feet to their hairlines. They were much prettier then I had thought they'd be. Real American Beauties, no Greek goddesses here, the color of toast with blazing blond hair crimping down their backs, they wore tiny skirts and platform shoes, had tribal tattoos on their bellies and lower backs, and the prettiest of the group had tiny, tasteful gold nipple rings. The bouncer was a small rugged guy in a white button up shirt who sat talking with the costumers and watching the door, but the mood was so light I couldn't imagine there being any trouble.

I found the whole thing pretty fun. Knowing the male waiter made it seem more like a social call. After delivering our truly awful coffee and trying to sell us donuts stacked ten deep in the cooler he came and sat with us, right next to my friend who was now sweating baby oil and refused to make eye contact with me. I saw many of the girls sit at the tables they were serving to chat up the customers. I don't know if they are encouraged to do this to create camaraderie and increase their tip or if its more of, I don't want to be topless and the only one standing. I asked my friend the waiter about the work and he said it was great, he'd applied the day after they opened and "I took my shirt off and got the job." It was actually the perfect work for him, and I was really happy to see him so at peace. I asked him about the other guys working there and he said he was the only one. There had been an older guy but he'd been fired. I pressed him for details but he was mum on the subject, leading me to believe there had been some kind of incident.

It was hot in there, and a light odor of BO was certainly present, coming from the overdressed guys all amped up on boiling coffee and nudity, not from the wait staff. The coffee was plain atrocious, the kind of stuff you dump in the street when you have the misfortune of being handed a cup of it. Our bill for the two cups was seven bucks. I was heavy handed with the tip, as I would want people to be if I was prancing around naked. I bid adieu to my friend the waiter and headed out the door. On the smoking deck (a hold over from the days the place had been a bar) a young bounder smoked a Camel, "What did you ladies think?" he bellowed jovially. My overheated pal was racing for the car and flat out ignored him, but I turned and proclaimed "I like it." He nodded heartily. It's great, he agreed. I told him I thought the girls were very pretty and he nodded again, both of us apparently having had lower expectations. "They are really friendly too, I liked talking with them, you know." Of course you did, Buddy, they were nude. He waved goodbye like we were the best of friends.

As I pulled out, my stomach churning with coffee flavored chaos, I considered what a great place to meet guys it was, I'd seen more guys my age in there then I had all winter. I said this to my companion, who had fallen into a stony silence, and she threw me a pretty hard look. I guess It's not for everyone, but me, I had a great time.

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Comments 42 comments

Leah Twitchell 7 years ago

Eryne, this is a great story and write-up. I really enjoyed it, and might actually check this place out. Too bad the coffee sucks...


purpleb profile image

purpleb 7 years ago from Spain

Nice one!


Lgali profile image

Lgali 7 years ago

nice story


Milla Mahno profile image

Milla Mahno 7 years ago from Florida

This hub is wortheless without pics ;)


Thibeau profile image

Thibeau 7 years ago Author

No pictures allowed, No Touching, and Cash only : )


moefry47 profile image

moefry47 7 years ago from Texas

some kind of pics would have been nice


Theophanes profile image

Theophanes 7 years ago from New England

Awe, this is precious. I might just have to take a ride down there for "shits and giggles." How over-the-top tacky! Still funny though Has your friend talked to you since? I'm going to guess not.... shame.


rmshdc profile image

rmshdc 7 years ago from Bangalore

nice write up


Sterling Sage profile image

Sterling Sage 7 years ago from California

Very enjoyable write-up. Thanks!


Israel 7 years ago

OMG. At any moment I thought one of the topless girls was going to kick you in the shins. But then you said they were friendly and stuff, and chatted up the customers, and a feeling of warm peace enveloped me.


Thibeau profile image

Thibeau 7 years ago Author

being attacked by a topless waitress would have been the story of my life, but they were nice. They were much "nicer" to the guys tipping them then my friend and I, of course, but never violent.


Sleepawaycampr profile image

Sleepawaycampr 7 years ago from California

Makes me wish I wasn't on the other side of the country. I'd definitely wander over to the local topless coffee shop to kill some time.


issues veritas 7 years ago

I would rather have the bottomless coffee cup.


Ashxyz profile image

Ashxyz 7 years ago from In Corrupt Illinois haha

You definitely write very well, but I'm not sure that place would be the best for picking up guys..haha. However, I enjoyed the read.


Cris A profile image

Cris A 7 years ago from Manila, Philippines

apparently, it's not coffee they're selling :D


earnestshub profile image

earnestshub 7 years ago from Melbourne Australia

Lots of fun read, thank you.


bill komissaroff profile image

bill komissaroff 7 years ago from Portland O

Wow. Two of my favorite things in one place! It's like a Reese's bar except with hot chicks and coffee.


kiwi91 profile image

kiwi91 7 years ago from USA

I've heard of this place actually, and an aquaintance has visited here. I heard the story second hand, but they said the coffee was like you said, pretty bad! Great story on this place.


rafaelstore profile image

rafaelstore 7 years ago from Kyle, TX

Great read, too bad about the no pics :-(


thisisoli profile image

thisisoli 7 years ago from Austin, Texas (From York, England!)

nice to see you followed up the hub before this!

It does seem a little weird, but kinda fun!


bgamall profile image

bgamall 7 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada

Humm, a guy would have to watch out for workplace harrassment, either as a receiver of same or a deliverer of the harrassment!


modernsavage profile image

modernsavage 7 years ago

Hopefully this becomes a franchise, though, with better coffee...


bgamall profile image

bgamall 7 years ago from Las Vegas, Nevada

Why would they sell lousy coffee?


RestartYourLife profile image

RestartYourLife 7 years ago from Minnesota

Great read ,pics would be nice ,some pics of the place too, wouldn't mind seeing what the place looks like


ahmadrad profile image

ahmadrad 7 years ago from beavertron oregon

Sounds like a place I could get use to working at. Smells like a roadtrip from one Portland to another.

And for all those complaining about no pictures - that would ruin the appeal of going there yourself, don't you think?


mthans75 profile image

mthans75 7 years ago from San Antonio, Texas

Great read!

In our country we are too prudish when it comes to nudity. The Europeans laugh at us. So, I think this biz is a good experiment. But the bad coffee is going to kill the business, boobs or not. People are not going to want to suffer through bad coffee.

I remember that over 20 years ago some guy tried a topless donut place somewhere in Florida. I think the city tried to shut it down. That was before everything became family friendly.


BG Guest profile image

BG Guest 7 years ago from Bulgaria

fantastic hub


nathanreed 7 years ago

I like your style.. Maybe you should write a book :)

Nathan


mattressguru profile image

mattressguru 7 years ago from TO, ON, CA

Nice hub.. didn't know that stuff like this existed. Wish it were in Canada :)


writer83 profile image

writer83 7 years ago from Cyber Space

wow ! coffee and extras, although you'd have thought they would keep that stuff to the red light district


MeeK profile image

MeeK 7 years ago from Norman, OK

I think it's a shame the coffee was so poor. I mean, imagine how much grander it could be! And great story. Way to go for the gusto!


SoManyPaths profile image

SoManyPaths 7 years ago from West Coast USA

Yeah, good story, especially describing the other patron mannerisms. My imagination was wanting more in the area of physique.


Susan M 7 years ago

Great story! I look forward to your next adventure!


jim10 profile image

jim10 7 years ago from ma

I don't drink coffee but, the topless coffee bar is sure to get me to start. You are right it does seem like a great place to find guys and if you can keep their attention you will know he is the right one for you. Well unless he is gay and just looking for great coffee.


kappa022 profile image

kappa022 7 years ago from Florida

Awesome narrative, ty for sharing!


Al Martin profile image

Al Martin 7 years ago from U.S.A.

I like the pun about this place being "big potatoes". And like you, I'd enjoy checking it out "first hand". Then there are the honeybuns and donuts to add extra enticemement. This is all way too good!


composed profile image

composed 7 years ago from the place where I have what it takes

good hub!


pearlstory06 7 years ago

Good to hear, so you thought for going Topless ever or not. Hey, is picture snapping allowed there. Pls update.

Good, keep it up such posting.


thejimster profile image

thejimster 7 years ago

Sweet! I'm going to go there one day :)


Mike Chronos 6 years ago

A topless coffee bar... that's interesting. Talk about getting a mid afternoon boost, pun intended.


Zachary 6 years ago

My stomach was churning with coffee flavoured chaos.

Great line.


enomakos profile image

enomakos 5 years ago

nice one

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