Colorful Southerners: A True Story You Won't Believe!
The love game that went terribly wrong
Living in the South, I've run across some stories that were just too strange not to be true. Several years ago, a local lawyer named Booger Beanblossom (yes, that’s his real first name - I changed the last to protect the not-so-innocent) and his wife got a divorce. The wife got to keep the family home, so Booger bought a small house in downtown Albany, GA, near his law office. He figured he could just walk the two blocks to work every morning, and besides, it was a nice, quiet neighborhood.
Apparently, it didn’t take Booger long to “get over” the divorce – he soon began dating. I think he must have gone through all the single women and half of the married women in town, in record time.
On the first warm day of spring, after a long gloomy winter, the citizenry was ready to get outside and enjoy the sunshine. They were tired of being cooped in their suburban homes for so long. It was a Sunday afternoon, and several of Booger’s new neighbors were in their back yards, barbecuing, picnicking, and generally enjoying the peace and quiet. This was not ot last, however.The serenity was suddenly shattered by a shrill cry for help.
The neighbors who heard the scream congregated on the street. The first scream was followed by several more, each louder than the previous one.
The neighbors began trying to pinpoint the source of the screams, and finally, they discovered that they were coming from Booger’s abode. They knocked on the door, rang the doorbell, and finally pounded on the door, all to no avail. No one came to the door. When the screams became more frantic, one of the men tried to open the door, but it was locked. They checked for an open window, but all were locked tight. All the drapes were closed, so there was no looking through a pane to see what was happening, either. They decided that a call to the local police was in order.
Within a few minutes, the cops arrived. They forced the door open and went inside to investigate. What they found shocked them.
A naked woman was tied spread-eagle to the bed, in true bondage fashion. A ceiling fan was slowly turning above her. Booger was lying unconscious on the floor, with a deep gash in his forehead. Now here’s the funny part – he was wearing a Superman outfit, complete with red cape! Superman bondage??
Apparently, Booger and his “friend” were doing a little sexual role playing on this lazy Sunday afternoon and dabbling in a little bondage. He made a running leap for the bed and hit his head on one of the ceiling fan’s blades. It knocked him out and onto the floor. “Lois Lane” was obviously helpless, and she couldn’t see Booger from her vantage point. She had no idea if he was dead or alive.
Think about her dilemma for a moment: Did she yell for help and allow total strangers to see her naked and let them know about the sex game? Would she ruin her lover’s reputation in the legal community if they found out about his Superman bondage? Would it be better to lie there and starve to death, in the event that her playmate was dead? Should she wait a few hours to see if Booger would revive to free her from her bondage?
I’m not sure what I would have done in this situation. But I can tell you that we removed our bedroom ceiling fan…just in case we want to participate in some sex games!
Read more about the South and Southerners:
- Southern Traditions: Crazy Names
Ive always wondered how parents chose some of the crazy names theyve given their offspring. Did they think for a minute about the poor kids being saddled with those monikers for life? Im thinking...
- Colorful Southerners: The Goat Man
As Ive said before, the South is full of interesting characters. Very few, however, are as fascinating as the Goat Man. I remember seeing the Goat Man when I was just a kid. Every few months or...
More by this Author
A humorous look at southern dialect, slang, and funny sayings. Written by a true southerner.
An overview of the Redneck Riviera, including Mexico Beach, Panama City, Ft. Walton Beach, and Destin, Fl. Photos and videos included!
Crabmeat is one of the most succulent and delicious of all types of flesh. In fact, it’s near the very top of my list, and I’ve spent years catching and cooking the shelled critters! I've come up with some...