Coming Soon to a Gulf Coast Near You...

"Anyhow, any hurricane with the word "France" in it can't be good."

~ Oscar Wilde on Hurricane Francine

"Destroyed more aircraft in 1940. then Spitfire"

~ Hugh Dowding on Hurricane

"Hurricane, I thought you meant Candy-cane!"

~ Toddler on Hurricanes

Yesterday President Bush made his fifth visit to the area that received the most damage from Hurricane Katrina. In other words, the White House." --Conan O'Brien

"Did you see the speech? President Bush spoke from Jackson Square in New Orleans. It wasn't his first choice for a backdrop, but the water wasn't quite deep enough for the aircraft carrier." --Bill Maher

"It's interesting, some analysts said the most striking thing about President Bush's speech last night was the fact that he didn't name someone to be in charge of the reconstruction. See, if Bush was smart, put Clinton in charge. Think about it. I mean if you want women flashing their breasts by Mardi Gras, Clinton is the guy to do it." --Jay Leno

"No word yet on Mr. Brown's future plans, though sources say he does want to spend more time doing nothing for his family." --Jon Stewart, on FEMA Director Michael Brown's resignation

"President Bush sent Vice President Dick Cheney to New Orleans. Is that what they need down there? Another person requiring emergency medical help?" --Jay Leno

"Our president isn't exactly getting high marks for his handling of the catastrophe. People don't seem to realize, yes the hurricane has been devastating to the people who live in that area, but it has also ruined the last three days of his vacation. He has suffered too."

--Jimmy Kimmel

"Congress announced a plan to rename the Gulf of Mexico. They want to call it Persian Gulf 2 in hopes that President Bush would send troops there faster." --Jay Leno

"As you know, FEMA stands for 'Fix Everything My Ass.'" --Jay Leno

"Welcome to the Late Show. I am so glad you people are here, because last night what an awful audience, oh, my God. Remember those people? What a horrible audience, and I hate talking about people when they're not here, but God, I thought it was the Bush Administration, because...they were so slow to respond." --David Letterman

"Everybody is talking about the weather but nobody does anything about it. "

10. Decorating the house (boarding up windows).

9. Dragging out boxes that haven't been used since last season (camping gear, flashlights).

8. Last minute shopping in crowded stores.

7. Regular TV shows pre-empted for "specials".

6. Family coming to stay with you.

5. Family and friends from out-of-state calling.

4. Buying food you don't normally buy ... and in large quantities.

3. Days off from work.

2. Candles.

1. And the number one reason Hurricane Season is like Christmas...At some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

Everybody knows about the Fujita Scale which measures the power of tornados. But nobody really knows what all those types of twisters do to COWS. So here is the MOOJITA Scale...

M0 Tornado - Cows in an open field are spun around parallel to the wind flow and become mildly annoyed.

M1 Tornado - Cows are tipped over and can't get up.

M2 Tornado - Cows begin rolling with the wind.

M3 Tornado - Cows tumble and bounce.

M4 Tornado - Cows are AIRBORN.

M5 Tornado - S T E A K ! ! !

Funny Real Exam Answers

Water vapour gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

Don't knock the weather; nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in awhile!

Probably the last completely accurate forecast was when God told Noah there was a 100 percent chance of precipitation.

If you see a heat wave, should you wave back?

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind.

And now, for your extended forecast: "Foooorrrcaaaasssstt"

What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing Taxis!

Climate is what you expect. Weather is what you get!

Pay attention: Hurricanes are known as ‘typhoons' in the western Pacific, ‘cyclones' in the Indian Ocean, ‘baguios' in the Philippines and willy-willies in Australia.

Highest Storm Surge (sea waves swell):

Bathurst Bay Hurricane, Australia, 1899. It was 13 meters (42 feet)!

Deadliest:

Bangladesh Cyclone of 1970. It killed 300,000 people.

The deadliest hurricane in the United States struck Galveston, Texas, in 1900. A storm surge almost two stories high broke over the city, causing 20-foot (6.1-meter) floods and more than 8,000 deaths.

Largest Rainfalls:

Tropical Cyclone Denise, January 1966, 12 hours, 1144 millimeters - La Reunion Island in the Indian Ocean off the east coast of Africa.

Costliest Hurricane:

Hurricane Andrew in 1992. The damage was estimated at $25 billion in parts of Florida, Louisiana, and Georgia.

Longest Lasting Tropical Cyclone:

Typhoon John, August-September, 1994, lasted 31 days. Traveled both the Northeast and Northwest Pacific basins.

Largest Tropical Cyclone:

Typhoon Tip Northwest Pacific, October, 1979, gale radius 1100 km.

Fastest Intensification:

Typhoon Forrest - deepened 100 millibars (976 to 876) in under 24 hours. In one day winds increased from 120 kph to 277 kph.