I Went Through The Naked Machine AND Was Molested At the Airport Today, What Did You Do?

January 11, 2011

Warning - detailed report about TSA agents and a "quickie romance..."

I tried to fly home to Lansing, Michigan today from Florida - but the Noreaster is hitting hard and eventually, my flight was delayed for so long I had the option to cancel. But before that I went through the security check. TSA agents were aplenty. They ALL had huge, huge Disneyesque smiles on their faces and used voices a few octaves higher than I know was their normal talking voice.

I take a huge backpack filled with all my electronics - my iPad, my Kindle, my Macbook Pro, all the extra long cords and lights for the Kindle and even the iPad keyboard. It weighs a ton, but I will not be parted from my electronics. I also carry a huge purse, and in this case a coat as well as my jewelry case.

I had on a cardigan sweater and boots. As everyone knows, you have to take out your laptop, take off your shoes/boots take off any jackets or cardigans and put all of the things that have to go through that boxy contraption with the moveable grocery-store-like belt, in plastic bins. And you have to remember everything that you're supposed to put in there. I stripped off my sweater put it in there, my boots in another bin, my Mac, the backpack, purse - you get the idea. You've done this. But this time I was quite proud of myself as I did it smoothly and with little embarrassment. That was until what happened next.

When it came down to my scarf, I knew it had these little metal beads so I ASKED if it should go into a bin as well.

"OH NO!" Said the TSA agent with a bright shiny smile.

So I went through the non-golden arches and within a 1/2 second I was touched and almost "embraced" as I was ushered "over here". I was then literally handed off to someone else who also with a feather-like-touch - ushered me to a set of steps. I walked up facing another smiling, cheery TSA agent who told me to hold my hands in front of me, palms out, above my head with my finger tips touching. It was as if I was in a daze. I obeyed.

I had to place my feet in two green outlined foot prints, quite far apart, and all the while the TSA agent tenderly talked to me about how great I was doing.

This cylinder I was in had these things that rolled around, like an MRI machine and then I was told to step out. Again, being led by a TSA female, all the while telling me sweet nothings close to my ear until I faced a very large, very formidable TSA female who also flashed a smile like a Disney employee.

It wasn't another 1/2 second before I realized she had her hand on my right breast AS she told me (not before she told me), "I'm so sorry we have to do this--touching here...but your scarf gave off a strange reading..." Next, faster than a New York minute, she grabbed my left breast while simultaneously she "touched my junk" (albeit gently).

It was all over in a matter of moments.

I ASKED if I should take the scarf off!

I didn't know I was in that naked machine until I was OUT of the naked machine being molested by a TSA agent! It went SO QUICKLY! I never had a CHANCE to say "I OPT OUT OF MY CIVIL RIGHTS BEING VIOLATED TODAY." I never knew what hit me! She never even took me to dinner before fondling me...

I feel...somehow...dirty...

I had to fetch my things from the bins and while I dressed none of the Disney characters ever gave me another look, not even a smile. They tossed me aside. I was used and then they were off to their next easy target...

And the worst part? My flight was canceled!!

I guess I will live another day to be molested by Tampa TSA agents!

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Comments 29 comments

Wayne Brown profile image

Wayne Brown 6 years ago from Texas

Sounds like you were the practice dummy for the TSA. I laughed but what a sad situation when they are pulling you through the system so fast and not explaining anything. They probably recognized you from the Tim Bryce Show as a "conservative" talk show celebrity who need a little come uppance! LOL! Good trip for us, Carol! WB

WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 6 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

The TSA website enthusiastically invites people to apply as screeners, and in essence, if you ever even thought about attending high school, you are over-qualified!

Be assured that the smiling baboon who groped you was probably, but not necessarily, a high school graduate.

The head of the TSA has admitted that none of these insults to passengers will detect a well hidden weapon or explosive device.

Now don't you feel safer?

Excellent Hub! Voted up and awesome.

cjv123 profile image

cjv123 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Honestly Wayne - when I retold the story to my mother, she was laughing so hard she was crying. When I had envisioned this happening to me, I thought I'd freak out - but it was so quick, I didn't have a moment to realize I should have been freaking out! LOL They were all VERY nice - but every word is true. There HAS to be a better way. I DREAD the day a terrorist has something in a bodily orifice...what kind of TSA searches will we go through then???

Thanks Wayne. Missed you in here in Florida when I saw Tim!


cjv123 profile image

cjv123 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Thanks WillStar, I suspect that you may not be far off the mark! Sigh...

Your comment made me laugh though! LOL


OpinionDuck profile image

OpinionDuck 6 years ago


Then there was that guy that stripped to his underwear at the airport voluntarity.

It is truly criminal to punish and invade the privacy and comfort of 99.999999999999999999999999999% of the airline travelers to look for a handful of the bad guys.

The problem with the TSA is that they are always looking backwards, while the bad guys are looking forward. The TSA expects the bad guys to repeat their attacks, but instead the bad guys invent new ones.

I think that it should be manadatory that every TSA person goes through the naked scanner, along with them are the politicians and the media.

I think when they cover that many bases, they should at least bought you dinner.

I guess you are lucky that they stopped before giving you the digital probe.

breakfastpop profile image

breakfastpop 6 years ago

Dear Carol,

I admire your attitude, but I would have gone berserk and been arrested. These fools were probably dying to feel you up which explains why they told you to leave your scarf on. I leave nothing to chance, nothing. I actually cancelled a flight to Florida scheduled for May. I refuse to be radiated or groped.

TimBryce 6 years ago

Carol -

Was it good for you?

At least they were smiling. Imagine what it would be like if they had a look of horror on their face after they "examined" you.

All the Best,


cjv123 profile image

cjv123 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Excellent input opinionduck. Plus, the Israelis think we're nuts the way we have security at our airports. As I heard a representative say, they have dogs OUTSIDE all entrances to sniff - that's their first line of defense. Dogs are all through the airports. They have very well trained human behaviorists who can at any time detain anyone anywhere in their airports for questioning - all before anyone will get even near a plane.

cjv123 profile image

cjv123 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Pop you are so funny - if I was younger, maybe, I'm too old for them to WANT to feel me up! LOL I think they just wanted to have a good laugh!

Which brings me to Tim's comment below --

Thanks for stopping by Poppy!

Love, Carol

cjv123 profile image

cjv123 6 years ago from Michigan Author

I didn't see it that way Tim - you're absolutely right. At least they didn't scream or howl or have looks of disgust on their faces! LOL! Great point!!


Stan Fletcher profile image

Stan Fletcher 6 years ago from Nashville, TN

Really funny, well-written hub...until we can drop the PC bulls*** and start profiling, this kind of nonsense will continue. Hiring the Israelis to tutor us would be much cheaper than buying all the new scanners.

cjv123 profile image

cjv123 6 years ago from Michigan Author

I couldn't agree more Stan!

Thanks for taking the time to leave such kind comments!


Harvey Stelman profile image

Harvey Stelman 6 years ago from Illinois

Carol, I saw the pics, they were great. Thank you TSA, HA! H

JeanieR profile image

JeanieR 6 years ago from Sequoia National Forest, CA

About the experience all I can say is "Ugh!!!!"

About your writing...Great!!!

You inspire me to hit the keyboard.

Up and funny.

cjv123 profile image

cjv123 6 years ago from Michigan Author

What a great thing to say, that I inspired you to write! Thanks Jeanie! Now get thee to a laptop!

Thanks for stopping by!


tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 6 years ago from home


you should feel good you were evidently cute enough to get singled out for "extra special care and handling""maybe you were her type".TH

I feel creepy just saying that....my wife has to do that next week or the week after, she is going to opt for the scanner, i sent her the transcript of you hub- she did not read it yet, I'll tell you what she says...

interesting either way


cjv123 profile image

cjv123 6 years ago from Michigan Author

Well I hope your wife doesn't have to suffer the same indignities Tom. Thanks for reading and leaving your comments.

50 Caliber profile image

50 Caliber 6 years ago from Arizona

Funny overtone of a greatly written indignation. I had to vote it up. I can see a happ, gay feller going in and out like a merry go-round, spending a day getting groped and enjoying himself, Ha!, 50

cjv123 profile image

cjv123 6 years ago from Michigan Author

You crack me up 50 Caliber! I love it when you stop by!


tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 5 years ago from home


50 is on a roll he told some liberal weinny- *shock* to "shut it well by the letters st-fu

I nearly did a jerry lewis spit take



cjv123 profile image

cjv123 5 years ago from Michigan Author

Tom - you make me laugh, but thanks for the heads up on 50 - he's a riot!

jellio_123 profile image

jellio_123 5 years ago

Ugh.... this TOTALLY does not make me want to go on a Disney vacation anytime soon.

cjv123 profile image

cjv123 5 years ago from Michigan Author

At least on the flight back I didn't get mugged by the TSA - I definitely didn't wear that scarf!

Thanks for stopping by Jellio!

tom hellert profile image

tom hellert 5 years ago from home


The snow cancelled her flight and trip so no naked machine...

Yeah for everyone...Its getting late I'm gonna go give her my wn security pat down




gr82bme profile image

gr82bme 5 years ago from USA

I loved 50 comment. So funny

I am so sorry this happened to you. You did write it well though!

cjv123 profile image

cjv123 5 years ago from Michigan Author

GR82BME - Trust me, I survived and hey - it gave me something to write about! AND laugh about! LOL

Thanks for your comments!

S. Overstreet profile image

S. Overstreet 5 years ago

Thanks for your post. Sorry to hear it. I had to come up with my own humorous response to the madness of airport security. Check it out!:


MikeNV profile image

MikeNV 5 years ago from Henderson, NV

And in the time it took for them to Feel you Up a dozen illegals walked across the border into the USA.

We are so much safer now. "Terrorists" clearly would only use the Airlines to get into the country. Because they are simply not smart enough to walk across the border.

The only real terrorists protection we have is this: Mexico has very strict entrance policies. So it's simple to get into the USA but difficult to get into Mexico.

Kudos to the War on Terror. It's about as effective as the War on Drugs.

If the United States would quit "Kicking the Dog" we wouldn't have to be worried.

Turns out I don't know many "Dogs" that have attacked anyone who lives several thousand miles away without being provoked.

We need to leave other countries alone so we can leave our own citizens alone.

Being watched and harassed at every turn in the name of Safety is quite an oxymoronic approach.

cjv123 profile image

cjv123 5 years ago from Michigan Author

Weeeeellll actually Mike Al Qaeda is fairly decimated and as Charles Krautheimer noted --THE god of the Muslim world --the Dude so many Muslims named their sons affter went from running a country to cowering in a bedroom watching old videos of himself on an old cheap TV. -- never seeing the light of day outside his own personally built prison. The War on Terror you forget - brought Gaddaffi running to the US saying he didn't want to have happen to him what happened to Saddam. So those soldiers didn't die in vain. But I sure agree with you about airport security!

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