Milano - Non Vale Un Cazzo

Long Voyages, Great Lies.
Italian proverb.

I wasn’t impressed at all with Milano, Italy…at all...in fact I was very disappointed with Milano in general, in my opinion it isn’t at all what its all cracked up to be, let me tell you that straight away and that this will not be a tribute to Milano. If you’re looking for good reviews, back way right now!

For a city known as "the fashion/design capital of the world", [excuse me?? Has the person who thought that up even travelled around the world??] recently-built Milano Malpensa Airport is a bad joke. First off they can take Milano right out of the Milano Malpensa Airport equation and just stick with Malpensa Airport… (Combination of the Italian words for “bad” and for “thinking”, which just about sums it right up) badly thought up location, badly thought up design, pure badly thought. Which happens to be only 40kms outside Milano?!! I mean right in the next town Varese…unbelievable. False advertising at its ultimate. The ultimate in the Italian deceptive façade.

The terminal looks like a tackily revamped bus station. It is a typical Italian facility - looks fine on the outside, but once you get in it's like a Dante's inferno. There is absolutely nothing to do in that bleak and rundown environment with poor shopping options, uncomfortable seating, no internet options, the worse for wear bathrooms, and limited eating options, not to mention the worst of all, no SMOKING AREAS ANYWHERE!! The only thing in its favour, in connecting through, it is that one doesn't have to go miles to get from gate to gate if in the same terminal...but that’s just a reflection on how poxy the place is.

So I got off the plane, was taken in a bus to the baggage reclaim hall and then just walked out into Italy! All that was separating passengers with Italy were 2 aluminium automatic doors!! No passport control, no customs. Nothing to declare…no guards on duty...nothing...just walk right through…damn these Italians really are trusting of their fellow European neighbours, and I was travelling from Greece!

Before you go (that’s if you must), plan everything at home, connections, buses, trains, hotels, because once you get there you're practically on your own, unless you speak good Italian and you have a lot of time to spare and lots of patience. So thanks and praises that the Internet exists and I had everything arranged before I got there. While I was doing all my preparation for my Milano trip, something must have subconsciously told me to just book a hotel room for one night, with the thought that I would find something better once I arrived there, but I also booked myself a ticket to London the next night, since the fares were only £12.99 (yeah that's cos they can't get anyone to go!) there was no harm in it I thought..Well thanks and praises once again cos it did come in handy. I left the next day!

What a waste of time. Ok fine, fine, I can say I have been to Milano. Great. Now I don’t ever have to go back there! Unless I wanna see my football team playing away or do a lil shopping. And can you imagine, in those 30+/- hours I was there, I saw everything there is to see in Milano?? It took me about 5 hours.

Il Duomo
Il Duomo

Il Duomo, which took over 500 years to complete and today is constantly being repaired and maintained…I suppose to maintain the lucrative business of advert boards in major centres which attract many eyes...so it was basically all boarded up with a 30 m tall Canon advert…I could still see the spires poking out from the top of the boards though. Che bello.

That, and the Galleria Vittorio Emanuele II which has been properly restored to its former glory after it was bombed in 1943. The architecture is elegant neoclassical, laid out in a huge cross shape, beautiful high ceilings with a glass dome in the centre. Mosaic flooring depicting the signs of the zodiac, where at Taurus it is customary to spin your heel on his testicles to mean you will come back to Milano, but it really it is a load of bollocks!

Surprise surprise, inside there are shops like Prada, Gucci (incl. Gucci Café) and Louis Vuitton directly beneath the central glass dome, as well as numerous elegant cafes and fine restaurants. But like I said earlier, it all looks so nice on the outside…then you go in and wait for it, ah there’s the McDonalds...right there next to Louis V…can’t you see? Here we are in an late 19th century atrium with class oozing from its tiles and bang you got a f*king McD’s right smack in the middle of it...that kills it all. I mean it’s not even on the outside part or at the far end; no I am talking about building a hotel on Park Lane on the monopoly board location!!

I can safely say that the only reason one would go to Milano is to shop...In a huge square bordered by Via Alessandro Manzoni, Monte Napoleone, Della Spiga and Sant’ Andrea prestigiously called the Quadrilatero D’Oro (Golden Quad)...a fashion lover’s dreamland. Neoclassical buildings in small streets, I recommend Via Spiga, outrageous and shocking price tags in the display windows of some of the world’s most exclusive designers. Just to name a few Italian designer shops that I saw, Roberto Cavalli, Gucci, Prada, Versace, Dolce & Gabbana, Valentino, Bottega Veneta..All beautifully displayed windows with matching prick whose job it is to stand at the entrance and open and close doors for the customers all day long. Now what kind of a prick would do that job?! And the funniest thing is thinking they’re all cool and that for working in an Armani shop. Prick.

There also definitely is a massive graffiti problem in Milano, there is no wall, no shop blinds, no historic façade, no fountain, no tree, and no stone that hasn’t been unturned type thing...nothing left that has not been graffitied on. And not even good graffiti. Banksy I do think you have to start thinking about making a move to Milano...big time.

The place was in general run down. The streets were dirty, there was no glitz to it at all as one might expect. What I couldn’t get over was the graffiti all over the place, it was appalling to see these shop windows and the wall surrounding them, graffiti. Just crappy illegible tags. I would appreciate it if it was nice, or even if it had anything to do with the shop, but its just pure vandalism. What I can’t understand is why the shops won’t even clean it up. I mean that just goes to show that they have already conquered, cos no matter how f*ked up the place looks on the outside, even if the door handles were coated in shit and there was radioactive material oozing, people would still go in there and purchase £10,000’s worth of material. Cos that’s what clothes are at the end of the day, pieces of material. And the people who buy them at those prices are victims.

I went to Corso Como 10 which is an art gallery, multi-brand designer shop (Blahnik, Gaultier) and gift, music and bookstore, café, bar and restaurant rolled into one. Apparently one of Milano’s most frequented and fashionable nightspots, a favourite haunt for the locals. Had a squisito Mojito there. Then onto Ganas, a Mexican bar/restaurant also on Corso Como, got a Vodka Sour there, which I have never tried before, I think it’s a measure of vodka into a shaker with fresh lemon juice and sugar and real lemons in the glass as well, very nice indeed, although had to sit outside cos there is no smoking indoors anywhere in Milano!!

I walked passed a bar called Dom. Yeah well it’s a very powerful name. hehe. I dined in one of Milano’s finest traditional restaurants, L’Asesino, I had traditional Tuscan fare. A scrumptious, if not the best seafood risotto I have ever had and some nice spinach. A glass of top class Chianti to wash it all down. But you see, everything has to become spoiled in Italy, they tried to rip me off with the bill and added something that I did not eat or order at all nearly doubling my bill!! But when I caught them out of course then they were offering me a free coffee and everything. Vaffanculo.

I couldn’t even get a late check out of my hotel room, my flight was at 2140, that turned into 2230 but forget about that, so I had to check out at 1200 and leave my bags with them and just walk around and keep myself occupied the whole day, so that is how I came to see everything there is to see in Milano.


Did my best people watching ever at Café Zucca…the Milanese dress with impeccable style, some men even made the puffer gilet look good over a Cerrutti suit!! The ladies always wore make up and had their hair done in the latest fashion, and I saw some of the highest stilettos ever trying to negotiate the cobbled streets of central Milano...that was quite amusing. Just having my doppio at Zucca for 15 mins I saw so many different trends walk by me, it was like a live fashion show going on in front of me, of all ages.
I have never seen so many street hustlers and peddlers ever in my life, and I have been to Sri Lanka, Thailand, Laos, Kenya...I mean countries where you would expect consistent hustling. But not like Milano. What got me, each guy, who was either from Bangladesh or somewhere from North Africa, selling the exact same thing, the exact same thing? Flashing rings, little braided bracelets, flowers, I got so sick and tired of saying no, and then being asked if I had a cigarette to give them. Continuously. It was non stop, it was crazy!! I lost count after the 12th guy to try to sell me something, in the end just before I was about to get into the train to go back to the hotel to get my bags, this guy came with his bracelets and told me ‘here, here’s one free’..i thought to myself well cool so I stopped and he was tying it onto my wrist (which I still have on by the way) and then I said thank you and he was like ‘come on make an offer, make me an offer’, so I was like oh for god’s sakes, just take it off take it back forget it, and he wouldn’t so I just walked off…finally..but no matter how hard I tried and how many times I already told them no all before him, no, I ended up leaving the goddamn place with a flipping bracelet. It was meant to be.

Flight back to England on Easyjet wasn’t full, so I had 3 seats all to myself, laid down and the next thing I knew were landing at Gatwick with 10 minutes to spare until the runway was closing for maintenance work! So again thanks and praises it was only a 50 min delay and not 60 otherwise that would’ve just f*ked everything right up. I was getting picked up you see. And so the Malpensa was over. My overall conclusion of the place?

Milano is like spam.

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Julia 5 years ago

You have probably never heard of the Schengen agreement...

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