My Brief Adventures in Winter Sports
Adventures in Figure Skating and Downhill Skiing
I hate winter sports. That's right, I'm the one. Basically winter sports consists of derivatives of two real sports: ice skating and skiing. Curling doesn't count because it's silly. It's a semi-combination of bowling and housework (who'd have thunk it?). Bobsledding, the heaviest guys win. Luge, you're just trying to hang on for dear life on a runaway sled. Snowboard, it's skiing on one fat ski.
On my first attempts at ice skating, I slapped one of the rink guards. No, he wasn't trying to cop a feel, I was way younger than he was. My arms were flailing as I tried to navigate my way across the rink without falling on my ass for the 1,553rd time. I was determined not to fall, but my lack of coordination and balance made me dangerous. Instead of the graceful, petite figure skater that I was dreaming I'd be, I looked like the tazmanian devil cartoon in slow motion. He should have looked at who was coming his way and moved. Before I knew it one hand connected to a flailing arm hit the side of his face...hard. I left a perfect palm imprint on his cheek (the rink was cold). I felt terrible but I couldn't stop. “I'm so sorryyyyy...” I yelled as I skate-flailed away. I fell ten minutes later. But the memory of my inadvertent destructive act stayed with me and I skated near the railings...again. Skating is a violent sport.
Even the best ice skaters still fall as you can see in the video below.
Skiing Tips: I Don't Have Any
A few years later my sister suggested we go skiing. I thought, “It's a hill, you can only go down.” Simple, I thought. I got a nice outfit, there was fresh snow, the day was beautiful. We were with a group of beginners. I first learned how to stop. Okay, angling down and forming your skis to a V was easy. Then I learned how to ski; push with your poles, squat halfway and keep your skis parallel, very easy. Then I learned how to go up the bunny slope; step up sideways, I was a natural. Afterwards it just seemed like a lot of falling. As I looked up at the sky, while I was flat on my back, my sister schussed by. I knew she was adopted. At least I didn't slap anyone. Although I did ski into someone [I'm so sorry!]. At the end of it I was cold and wet. That was not pleasant.
I then tried to ride a horse in the snow. Horses during the winter are evil. They insist on doing their own thing. Mainly carrying you into lower branches top-heavy with snow. Needless to say, I got the message. I'm not cut out for winter sports. Actually, there is one thing I like when it comes to winter sports. The apres-ski happy hour. Endless buffalo wings and $3 beers. This is one winter activity I definitely like.
Okay, I didn't crash and burn like these guys, it just seemed like I did.
Now for all my misfortunes in winter sports, this has never quite happened to me. And I hope it never does. Poor Gillian Cooke.
More by this Author
Flightkeeper When you walk inside the National Air and Space Museum through the National Mall entrance, you can't help but look up. For anyone who loves flying on planes and find space exploration a source of wonder and...
Walk into the front entrance of M&M World in Times Square and you will be confronted by something you've never seen before: a giant blue, almond M&M spokescandy boogeying to music in a white disco suit....
It used to be that when women started getting gray hairs it meant that they were too old to be attractive. Women are refusing to think that way anymore and it's about time. There are so many accomplished older women...