Pink Tazors are prohibited in carry on luggage...
Was it because it was pink?
Who knew pink tazors were prohibited? I admit, had I remembered that I had put the handy dandy new really cute pink tazor that I got for my birthday in my purse I am sure I would have had second thoughts about trying to carry it on the airplane on a recent babysitting adventure to Houston, Texas. But given that I had forgotten that I even had taken ownership of the really cute pink tazor, I was not prepared for the scrutiny of the TSA officials who took my very pretty blue, just got it for Christmas, Mary Poppins looking purse with (seriously) seven pockets and two large compartments completely apart. They then had the audacity to ask me to put all that crap that I didn't even remember I had back in not once but three times. Now I have to say that they were super nice about it with the exception of looking at me like I was stashing bags of Heroin in strange places like the collar of my blouse for Pete's sake
. The whole thing went down like this....I had taken my laptop out of my case and put it in one of the extremely drab gray tubs just like I was supposed to do, I also removed my super cute flip flops which just because they were so cute I should have been allowed to keep them on not to mention the fact that I have an absolute phobia about my naked feet touching where other naked feet have been. I thought they changed that rule? No the lady said they didn't have the uber cool technology yet. Big sigh!! Then my very pretty blue, just got it for Christmas, Mary Poppins looking purse with (seriously) seven pockets and two large compartments in its own ugly extremely drab gray tub because it has so much crap in it the silly thing won't fit otherwise. All went through the scanner and I was standing there visualizing cooties and foot fungus creepy crawling all over my unprotected feet when the really tall TSA guy says to the TSA only child supervisor to come look. My heart starts racing because being a first born I like to follow the rules (most of the time) and I do not under any circumstances want to end up in jail. Besides the fact my daughter and grand daughter who were waiting for me in Houston get super upset when their plans get changed. The only child (explain later) TSA supervisor lady hitherto known as OCS goes to look and they just can't identify the problem. Really tall TSA guy hitherto known as RTT tells OCS that it is "smaller than her cellphone". I started playing twenty questions...can you describe it? Nope, I just don't know. So naturally they have to take me aside, they did give me my shoes eventually, and asked me to watch as she took EVERYTHING out of my very pretty blue, just got it for Christmas, Mary Poppins looking purse with (seriously) seven pockets and two large compartments. What do you think was the first thing OCS drags out of my really pretty blue, just got it for Christmas, Mary Poppins looking purse with (seriously) seven pockets and two large compartments? My brand new just got it for my birthday hot pink taser!! "Oh ****! This is not going to end well." I thought to myself.
Given that I had obviously brought terrorism to the grandmother league things started to hit the fan so to speak. TSA manager lady had to be called to come down and take pictures of my really cute pink taser that I just got for my birthday two weeks ago, my boarding pass, and my Tennessee drivers license since that is where all of us known terrorists live. I asked if I would get my really cute pink taser back on my return trip and got the look that said "not no but....:.During the emptying of the very pretty blue purse a key chain with a little booklet of Bible verses attached to it was pulled out and pointed out to be "the actual culprit that had stopped the xray machine. I said, " there is probably a Bible verse pertinent to this situation" TSA manager lady asked me if I did not think that "it" not even calling my really cute pink taser what it was, would be on the approved list? I explained that I had gotten the really cute pink taser for my birthday just a couple of weeks before and just dropped it in one of the pockets of my very pretty blue just got it for Christmas purse with seven pockets and two large compartments and forgot it was in there. Which wouldn't have helped much if someone had actually attacked me.
Enter the airport policewomen, hitherto known as APW who obviously did not care for OCS came up and asked me the same question. To which I gave the same reply. OCS asked APW her name for the 60 page incident report she had been filling out this entire time and APW stated in her best policewoman voice that she would get that in the report when she filed one. I looked at APW's name badge and started to give it to OCS just because but I decided to wait and see how all this turned out before I started ticking people off. Maybe if I needed an alliance later I might give that covertly gained information over. APW took my Tennessee drivers license and called someone, could have been her boyfriend for all I know and gave them the information from it. No more than three minutes later, APW stated it was clear, she bid us all adieu, and disappeared. Quick thought on my part was, why couldn't someone else have done that? But at that point RTT came up and told me he needed to look through my laptop case again. Then he shortly brought it back. I asked him at that point if he had reorganized everything while he had it all out. He stated that was a negative and he had in fact brought it back in the same condition as it had been when he had taken it. "What is the good in that?" I asked him. Then in the first human moment in the whole process he said, "you have a good time everywhere you go, don't you?" My quick response was, "no need not to."
At this point TSA manager lady stated to me that I would get a letter in the mail from them and there could be a fine also. I gave my best pitiful look at that point as much from the fear, as for the "now I know I won't get my really cute pink taser back" thought. I have to mention that there was another TSA lady who was brought in to "pat me down" who asked me if I would prefer a private pat down. Curious, I asked her if I was going to be required to get naked or have a cavity search? When she said no, I said then let us just get this done. I was put behind yellow police tape and asked to spread my feet shoulder width apart and put my feet on the feet pattern on the floor. I was still uncomfortably barefoot, but at this point thought foot cooties were the least of my worries. She described the pat down procedure and was very thorough. When she got all the way up my leg touching my crotch I said was glad I had not worn a skirt as I had planned. She told me, in her this is serious matter of fact tone, there was a whole different process for a skirt. I had taken the very thorough pat down with a grain of salt even when asked to raise my shirt so she could check the waistband of my jeans until when she was done she was holding her gloved hands like she had something disgusting on them and said "they will have to check my gloves". Shocked I asked for what were they checking? I did not have cooties!! As OCS brought the 60 page incident report for me to sign we chatted about my first born don't like to break rules mentality and she shared that she was an only child and had the same thought processes. As I was gathering all my things, again, they all came over to me and told me how much they appreciated my nice attitude during all of this. My response was to say that I was sorry to cause them all so much trouble and I was very glad I had gotten there early. They said they were glad also but it was no trouble. But nice as they all were, there was no mention of getting my really cute pink taser back on my return trip or any other time. Bummer. But with all of that being said I am now sure that even if it had been an ordinary black taser they would not have let me keep it because they assured me that I could have put it in my checked luggage and had it when I got to my destination. Trying hard not to roll my eyes I reminded them that I did not remember I even had it, how could I have put it in my checked luggage? Geez, people!! I am forgetful not stupid. When I finally got my cellphone back I texted my daughter with the message, "did you know that pink tasers were not allowed in your carry on bag when you fly?" She said, " just the pink ones?" Gotta love a girl with a cute sense of humor.
