Poetry and the Human Condition Pt 5 Tequila Trouble!

It is said machetes have killed more people than guns!

No senor, por favor, not my cojones!! credit labellengua.com google images.
No senor, por favor, not my cojones!! credit labellengua.com google images.

Not all parents like their darling being seduced by the Gringo!

For those who have visited Mexico, they know that amor and borracheros (love and drunkenness) often go hand-in-hand.
Gringo males, perhaps not used to the gorgeous and exotic Latin mujer (woman) fall in love, spelled "lust" more quickly than common sense should have dictated. Yep: fools often rush in "south of the border" when the mariachis begin their plaintive wail; the nights are tropic-warm and balmy and the Herradura (top tequila) flows like agua.
For her part, weaned on Hollywood and television, showing North American males driving sleek cars into the sunset and living in mansions, beautiful girls on each arm, the young señorita just knows all Gringo males are millionaires and can't wait to spread the largess around. And it is true - at least for the couple of weeks the vacation lasts.
But all these elements can add up to spell TROUBLE - and here's one time when the worst was only averted by something more than chump-change. I should know: it happened to me (honest...more or less) in the days before I grew any common sense. The setting was the unsurpassed resort of Puerto Vallarta on the Pacific Coast...in the days before commercialisation ruined the place. It was an ambitious poem in the rhyming of English and Spanish words but great fun. Please read explanation of Spanish words at end.

Tequila Torment.

"I met my match in Mexico,
In steamy Puerto Vallarta:
Got legless 'neath the tropic moon;
Made love lit by it after.
I don't know why I was so rash -
I'm suffering from remorse:
It must have been the tequila,
Or maybe the chilli sauce?

Next day Conchita called around,
(I had a turrible crudo).
I wiped the moisture from my brow:
Sweat stinking of menudo.
She stood there with a huge dark chap,
That sticky day in December.
I quavered, 'Who the heck is he?'
She smiled, 'Dad: don't you remember?'

'You hired the mariachis, dear,
You paid a great mordida,
For them to play for mum and dad:
I became your prometida!'
I gulped, 'Prometida, what is that?'
She said, 'Don't tease me, honey,'
The papa pulled the machete out!
It all cost me heaps of money.

A close escape, my dearest friends,
The night I dropped my guardo:
That damned tequila mixed with chilli sauce
Nearly had me entrapado.
So when you visit Mexico
To hook up with the señoritas,
Don't mix amor with the fiery sauce
And Herradura chugged by litres!"


crudo hang-over

mordida a bribe

menudo a stew made from cows' intestines and chili.

prometida fiancee

guardo guard

entrapado trapped

Note: the Spanish may not all be totally accurate...don't chide me, I don't care!





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Comments 10 comments

BobbiRant profile image

BobbiRant 5 years ago from New York

This is good advice. Not mixing the 'powerful sauce' with anything that might require serious considerations. I love tequila though, good stuff. Great hub too.


diogenes profile image

diogenes 5 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Hi Bobbi. I used to drink tequila, but it is too strong now and burns my throat. I have been more drunk on tequila in my drinking days than any other booze...Bob


amwalsh profile image

amwalsh 5 years ago from Georgia

Bob you have very interesting life stories. I like the poetry. This sounded like a juicy episode, got any more?


WillStarr profile image

WillStarr 5 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

I married a lovely señorita, and I was cold sober. In fact, she's currently looking over my shoulder!


diogenes profile image

diogenes 5 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Hi amwalsh. Yes, plenty more, but not all publishable!

You got lucky, Will. I never had much luck with Mexican ladies despite marrying and having kids there where I lived for 16 years...Bob


Joseph Lane profile image

Joseph Lane 5 years ago from Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada

I love your stuff, you've got yourself a big fan here.


diogenes profile image

diogenes 5 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Thanks Joseph, that's a kind comment...Bob


Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 5 years ago from London, UK

WAs Mexico always as bad, in those days, as it is now? I enjoyed reading your story and poem.


diogenes profile image

diogenes 5 years ago from UK and Mexico Author

Well, no, Hanna, it wasn't. And I guess it was me being bad really. I was a drunk for 25 years, many things happened! Thanks for visit...Bob


Hello, hello, profile image

Hello, hello, 5 years ago from London, UK

Thank you for your comment. It is a shame Mexico gone down like with the help of these drug barons and corruption. It has so much to offer and would have a great tourism and everybody could earn from it.

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