Things That Are Wild, But Not Illegal in My Hometown

Telling people you are not a peach

Can you, for a moment, imagine your community, county, state and nation completely-lawless? I mean no police, state troopers, F.B.I. or private eye’s. A no-law, do as you please place to live. Ahh, just taste the freedom, the peace and if we want to work, we work. And if we want to work without a shirt, hey, that’s cool, brother. Just be what you want to be and flow with the cosmos.

Some used to dream of this utopia. I remember this. One fighter for our total-uninhibited freedom was drug-pioneer, Dr. Timothy Leary, whose far-fetched doctrines included “Free Sex,” “Mind Expansion by L.S.D.,” and other topics that would make today’s liberals’ face burn with embarrassment. He was wild, I tell you. Leary’s “Tune-in, Turn-on and Tune-out,” speeches used to fill the air waves of radio and television as well as ad after ad in underground newspapers singing to the masses, “We are free spirits, not machines.”

Not illegal to talk to your hotdog in my hometown

You can sing on the sidewalks in Hamilton, Al.

You can dress in a bear suit in my hometown

Sadly, some misinformed, ungrounded people listened. This was the scary part. Those who listened died of drug-overdose, or shot by the police or National Guard who were called out to control the chaotic-crowds of raging rebels who were telling “the man,” to shove-it. And let us form a new society. That went as far as The Edsel.

It sounded good, though. A life without rules. Any rules. Complete-freedom without any consequences. Maybe for apes, this would work, but even the animal kingdom has unwritten rules for living and surviving. The very ones who preached this “new way” to me, and most of my generation, eventually gave-up, cut their hair, and graduated college. Today they are retired from the same big corporations they hated while under the influence of fool, Timothy Leary and his “drug sermons,” and mindless disciples.

But this was in the 60’s, which are now just something we who grew-up in this time, mainly talk about at Christmas and New Year’s get-together’s for laughs when the atmosphere turns to boredom. You do notice that I toned my stor down and as much as I would love to emulate the late Dr. Hunter S Thompson, I fall back on the old axiom, “I gotta be me.”

But those still alive and who survived the Timothy Leary daze, let me offer you some free-happiness. Free of pollution, taxes, war, and “the man.” I knew that one would make you smile.

I call this list below, which all can be proven,

“Things You Can Do In My Hometown That Are Wild, But Not Illegal”

Being barefoot isn't illegal where I reside

Give out cash to strangers in Hamilton, Al.

Loitering is not illegal in my hometown

Wave at people all that you want

  • Walk around town wearing a mask made of watermelon rine. You might get called “idiot,” by people, but not arrested.
  • Walk up and down our sidewalks clapping your hands bellowing, “We Shall Overcome,” and no one will notice.
  • Sit on any public bench and have long conversations with a hotdog.
  • Sit on any public bench and talk to yourself. (I witnessed this in Birmingham, Al., on a visit to my daughter who is still in UAB Hospital.) All our cops in my hometown will do is see if you have a home to live in. And since I do, I can start doing this tomorrow.
  • Get your name legally-changed from “Mike,” to “Mr. Pumpkin Man.”
  • Wear Old Glory, our cherished flag, around our shoulders as a cape like Superman. Or you can wear an actual, home-made red cape just like Superman. Both are not illegal.
  • Go in bare feet on our sidewalks, stores and public domain such as our park and roads.
  • Stand out of the way of traffic and wave to the sky and yell, “I see you! Now come down here and land.” Now this one will get the attention of the police, but when they see that “I” am the one doing this, they will just laugh and say, “Carry on, Kenneth,” for they have always known that I am a bit off-center.
  • You can hand-out political cards to our citizens saying “Vote For Me for Governor.” If you are asked, “Kenneth, are you running for governor?” Just laugh and reply, “As far as you know.” Then wink and walk away.
  • Give people cash as much as you like and as long as you like.
  • If you can afford it, get plastic surgery to look like James Arness.
  • To my knowledge, there is no law against loitering in my hometown. If I were to do this, the cops would just pass and wave at me.
  • You are welcome to dress in a grizzly bear suit, as long as your face is seen, and you do not hurt anyone.
  • Stand in a safe place and wave at the people in every car or truck that passes by.
  • Tell everyone you meet, “I am not a peach, regardless of the rumor that is going around.”
  • Walk briskly up to a Hamilton resident and tell “them” the time.
  • Stand near the Courthouse in the center of town and ask people if they care to take some free tap-dancing lessons.
  • You can let dogs bite you until you cannot stand it and not go to jail.
  • If you see an elderly woman or man about to cross the street, it is legal to escort them to safety.
  • Get a guitar and sit in a public place, but play the guitar very badly and act as if it is a good song. You could get a few sympathy tips.
  • Wear a sign around your neck that reads . . .”I am never lonely.”
  • Go back the next day with a different sigh that reads . . .”This is not a publicity stunt.”

Come on down. I will be looking for you.

Other hubs you might enjoy:

“13 Mistakes You Made That Got You Expelled From College”

“Things You Did That Ruined Your Girlfriend’s Family Reunion”

“Places You Should Never Take a Drink or Show-up Drunk”

More by this Author


Comments 28 comments

Ericdierker profile image

Ericdierker 2 years ago from Spring Valley, CA. U.S.A.

Riding in the back of a pick up truck here will get you and the driver 10 - 20


carrie Lee Night profile image

carrie Lee Night 2 years ago from Northeast United States

Voted funny :). Interesting hometown, sounds like a lot of free spirited fun :). I found the one with allowed to walk in bare feet in public areas not permitted in most places I've been... Unique. And loitering is another one illegal in most places. Gotta love it :)


sheilamyers 2 years ago

ROFL!!!! I knew I'd my get my good laugh for the day as soon as I saw you had a new hub published. Thanks. In my hometown (I should say township) I don't think I'd get in trouble doing any of the things you mentioned. If I ever get bored, I'll give them a try.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Eric,

For shame! We do not have pick up trucks in my town. We consider them a tool of the devil. Thanks for telling me thought. I appreciate you.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, carrie lee,

Thank you for the votes and comment. We do know how to have fun that is not illegal. Honestly, we do have some unruly people who live way out of town who abuse the drugs and alcohol that they manufacture. Other than that, we are just a town that Andy Griffith would love to visit.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, there, sheilamyers,

I am so glad that I gave you a good laugh. That is my daily goal. So I can sleep well tonight knowing that I could visit you and your township and do some of these things and not see jail.

Ahhh, what a great thing freedom is.

Thanks for stopping by.


vkwok profile image

vkwok 2 years ago from Hawaii

Sounds like a great place to live!


teaches12345 profile image

teaches12345 2 years ago

I didn't know what I was going to find when I read the title. You made this a fun and interesting read. I think I would enjoy living in your town.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, vkwok,

Thanks, and I do appreciate your comment and interest in my hometown. We are small, but we love it.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

My Dear teaches12345,

It would be my pleasure for you to live in my hometown. And I wager that you would get tons of inspiration for hubs with our natural Norman Rockwell-ish atmosphere.

Thank you, dear heart, for dropping by.

And I still haven't published the P.T.A. hub. I have take a couple of days off to just unwind.

And my fibromyalgia has really hurt me in those days also. I will be back soon.


Elsie Hagley profile image

Elsie Hagley 2 years ago from New Zealand

Sounds like a great place to live, I'm fine about everything in general as long as you can walk down the street and not get attacked. Just laugh and enjoy life. Happy days.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear Elsie,

Amen. You are in luck with my hometown. And you would be welcomed with open arms. We would exchange ideas for hubs and drink coffee.

Thanks for the sweet following too. I cherish my followers and strive to not take them for granted.

Come back anytime.


annart profile image

annart 2 years ago from SW England

I'd love to try some of those here but my town is so full of weird people (apart from me) that I don't think it would be noticed! There's not enough imagination to fill a bucket.

Thanks for the smile. Ann


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, sweet annart,

LOL! What a chuckle you gave me. And at the right time. I have been down and out today and you made me feel good, dear friend.

You are more than welcome to come to my hometown, that believe it or not, exists.

There are no rabbit holes to fall through.

No policemen, or policepersons to hassle you.

And I will personally give you a tour, FREE, of the coffee shops and our Walmart Supercenter.

You will be my guest. Deal?


annart profile image

annart 2 years ago from SW England

If I'm ever out that way, I'll do my best!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear annart,

I will remember that. Not to boast, but I have a pretty good memory. And for your visit, I will throw in a ton of lovely souvenirs from our town. How about that?


aviannovice profile image

aviannovice 2 years ago from Stillwater, OK

All true enough. eorge Orwell's 1984 was pretty scary to us as kids, but you know, there are still some good old USA towns around where you can be yourself. I am happy for the act that freedom still rings in most places.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, aviannovice,

Yes, I agree, and my hometown is one of them.

But there ARE laws that the police uphold. Like, if you are seen at our 24-hour convenience stores sitting around outside at 2 a.m., they will drive up and ask what you are doing?

If you are sober, they go about their business.

And I meant what I said. If you come to my hometown, here are the FREE things you will receive:

1. Steak dinner or veggies if you are vegan with your own tea

2. a FREE tour of my town with me as your tour guide

3. A FREE photo of you and I snapped in front of our ourthouse

4. A FREE ice cream cone with your favorite flavor

And a handshake from me for being one of my favourite people, friends and hubbers.


aviannovice profile image

aviannovice 2 years ago from Stillwater, OK

Sounds like quite a deal. I have never been to AL, let alone the chance to see my birthplace in Blytheville, AR.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Dear aviannovice,

Blytheville? I know about that town. Wow. But I am serious about the FREEBIES you will be when you visit me in my hometown of Hamilton, which by the by, is not that far from Arkansas.


OhMe profile image

OhMe 2 years ago from Pendleton, SC

well, Hamilton Alabama sounds like a fun place to live. I had to look it up because I had never heard of it. It is twice the size of my town so it is more like a city in comparison. I did learn that it is in Marion County named for South Carolina's Francis Marion. We South Carolinians are proud of FM. In fact, my great granddaddy was named for him. By the way, I graduated high school in Scottsboro and college at Jacksonville State so got some Bama in me, too.


B Lucy profile image

B Lucy 2 years ago from Podunk, Virginia

Love this! My little town has a florist that dresses up in a Grinch costume at Christmas and hands out flowers on Main Street and a man who dresses as Captain America and does jumping jacks in front of McDonalds! God Bless our quirky little towns!


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

B Lucy,

Wow, thank you so much for the sweet remarks. I love the things that are found in small towns and not in the big cities.

I simply would die of panic attacks in a New York City of Los Angeles.

Where do you live? Or may I ask that?

Wherever you live sounds like paradise to me.

Come back often.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, OhMe!

Well, howdy, to a good person with Bama in their blood. I appreciate your remarks and just knowing that I am not the only hubber from Alabama.

But you and everyone in HP are always welcome in Hamilton.

I mean it.

And thank you too for the sweet following. Thank you so much.


Sparrowlet profile image

Sparrowlet 2 years ago from Massachusetts, USA

Amusing hub and brings back memories of the old days. I'm about in your age group, so I can relate. Can ya dig it? Written with pinache and a dry wit that I just love. Great hub!


favored profile image

favored 2 years ago from USA

Even your titles make me laugh. I'm glad that is I ever came to your city I could be me ... and not get arrested. So funny.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hi, Sparrowlet (I love your name),

Thank you sincerely for this remark. You made my night. I am so glad that I have a follower who is in my age range. Thank God! And yes, I can dig it. I learned a new word thanks to you, pinache. I will use that in future work.

You can visit me anytime you like.


kenneth avery profile image

kenneth avery 2 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama Author

Hey, favored,

Thank you for your sweet comment. And yes, you can come to my town and be YOU and even walk around in daylight with me dressed as a scarecrow.

Don't you love it?

Come back again.

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