Before you know it, the 2012 Summer Olympics will be taking place in London. Maybe this time around I can ask the British to introduce some events that business travelers would really like to see.
Overhead compartment clean and jerk: competitors swing steamer trunk sized luggage into an airplane overhead compartment only big enough for a small backpack. Points are awarded for degree of difficulty, weight, and ability to stick the landing with wheels out and no tags catching on the latch.
Baggage carousel curling: competitors attempt to retrieve their luggage slowing the path of their own suitcase by using other people’s bags. Other passengers reach in and grab every bag on the conveyor thinking it’s theirs and then toss them aside. Points awarded for fewest times around and how few cases you have to handle to reach yours. Minimum 5% reduction for each cab driver you bump into.
100 meter airport security line: competitors are timed on how fast they can move through a security line slightly longer than a football field (international rules). Setting off the alarm results in a 10 second penalty.
Freestyle rental car return: competitors have to jockey for position at the rental car return where all but one attendant is on dinner break. Points awarded on ability to convince that lone attendant that you’re flight is leaving before the other people pulling their cars in to the lot. Style points awarded for convincing the attendant that the fuel stop you made twenty miles from the airport counts as a full tank.
Hotel fitness center dash: competitors have to get in a half-hour workout on what most hotels call a ‘Fitness Center’ consisting of a broken treadmill, an elliptical machine that only goes backwards, and a seat-less stationary bicycle. The degree of difficulty is measured in how many other hotel guests want to exercise at the same time.
Concierge buffet-a-thon: competitors load up on free food to stretch their Per-Diem. Those that spend the least amount of their meal allowance get the most points. Extra points awarded for artistic expression by combining appetizers and condiments into a balanced diet.
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