Ways to Wreck a Perfectly Good Safari

Safaris can be enjoyed by families as well as a few people.
Safaris can be enjoyed by families as well as a few people. | Source

Well, there you are

Ready to head-out on "the" adventure of your life. You have dreamed of this moment since you were in the tenth-grade. The elephants, exotic snakes, natives talking to each other in their own tongue and living in a tent for three weeks. What a dream. Now it's come true. And I do not know who is happier, you or I.

Fact is, buddy. Getting the chance to go on a safari and enjoy himself could not happen to a nicer person. To clarify. You have, for over 26 years, served others, been the ideal neighbor, played by the rules and now it's your turn to live. So go for it. Have the time of your life.

A safari is the perfect place to capture photos of numerous forms of life.
A safari is the perfect place to capture photos of numerous forms of life. | Source

But please remember

it is very easy to ruin the best of safari's without even trying. I bet you, the city-dweller never knew that. It's true. I mean to say do not buy into those images on television of famous men and women fighting off angry natives, killing huge snakes, and other super-natural forms of life that have thrived in the jungle because it is a sham. A clever way to get your pocket money. Yes, my friend, keep in mind that there are . . .

Ways to Ruin a Perfectly Good Safari

Jane Hamilton (center) and the Three Stooges seen in a jungle safari film.
Jane Hamilton (center) and the Three Stooges seen in a jungle safari film. | Source

Other ways to wreck your safari:

Hiding behind a tree and making bogus animal sounds.
Hiding behind a tree and making bogus animal sounds. | Source
Wearing a perfume so loud that it makes local flowers wilt.
Wearing a perfume so loud that it makes local flowers wilt. | Source
Yelling obscenities at local wildlife.
Yelling obscenities at local wildlife. | Source
Forgetting that you are home and start a wild party yelling and making useless noise.
Forgetting that you are home and start a wild party yelling and making useless noise. | Source
Doing things that are scary to local people, but to you is a normal activity.
Doing things that are scary to local people, but to you is a normal activity. | Source
Throwing coconuts at the elephants.
Throwing coconuts at the elephants. | Source
Making the glass in your binoculars flash in the eyes of herds of wild animals.
Making the glass in your binoculars flash in the eyes of herds of wild animals. | Source
This is a nice photo. I just wanted to put something in my hub that meant something.
This is a nice photo. I just wanted to put something in my hub that meant something. | Source

If given the chance, with all expenses paid, would you go on a safari tomorrow?

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  • Do not go into this new adventure thinking that you can do as you do in your daily life. Things such as waving to people as you walk by them. In some countries, natives take exception to us Americans waving as a sign of smugness and superiority and better than anyone.
  • Yelling, "Hey, where can I get a cold beer?" to the natives of a strange country might be construed as words of war, so hold your tongue.
  • Showing off to impress your sexy girlfriend in dangerous ways such as diving into a lake where alligators are just waiting to eat you is not smart.
  • Challenging a male gorilla to a Sumo match is probably the dumbest thing you ever did besides that time in college where you got drunk and drove "that" diesel rig to the next state all while your eyes were shut.
  • Telling your sexy girlfriend, "see that poisonous snake? I know how to handle it," and proceeding to do just that is not very smart. Just think for a minute. What would your sexy girlfriend do in a foreign country without you? There are numerous males running around without shirts and they are all in tip-top shape, so wouldn't it pay for you to use some common sense and leave the snakes alone?
  • Swinging from tree-to-tree on limbs just like Tarzan may be fun, but you have lived in the city for most of your life and you do not know how to land safely on the ground. Does that tell you anything?
  • Partaking of the whiskey you brought for the trip and then singing all of the old blues songs you remember late at night when others are asleep could easily get you whipped.
  • "Hey, you want to see my lion impression?" is another stupid thing for you to not do.
  • Still under the influence of your whiskey, you suddenly want your face painted to match that of local's to show them respect, but it backfires and the local's take your gesture as you making fun of them and beat you almost to death.
  • Teaching a few of the local men how to play Poker is asking for trouble since they do not know that much about gambling and you are weak when it comes to lots of money being laid on a table, so teach them how to farm or harvest trees . . .NOT Poker.
  • When a local family does invite you and your sexy girlfriend for dinner, you mess things up and good by making inappropriate gestures toward the 20-year-old, beautiful daughter of the man of the house and when he curses you out, you can see fire in his eyes.
  • To try and make yourself look brave in front of the local's, you smear lard and meat all over your naked body and run inside a pack of hungry lions. You thought that animals such as this only ate snakes and such. Now how will you get down from that tree?
  • Pushing the men you hired to help carry your luggage and other bags is certainly not smart. Something could happen to you in the middle of the night and no one would ever be able to prove it.
  • Making one of the men act as your burro to haul your fat rear WILL get the men's fists to hit your head many times to show you that they are people. Not burro's.
  • You tell these people you are an expert marksman and you want to prove it by shooting a pear from the head of one of the men, but you will be blindfolded.

As you put the blindfold around your head, you can hear a lot of men's feet running. You shake it off as only your imagination. Then you slowly pull down the blindfold. No one is with you. You are in the middle of place you've never been before and you are all alone.

You start yelling for Tarzan hoping that he is at home on his off-day.

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