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haggard50 profile image

haggard50

Joined 5 years ago from Florida

3

13

7

I'm beginning this journey today as a growth exercise. I find that at 53 years old there's still much that I don't understand. Especially about myself and why I am what I am. I used to say that I was spontaneous. I've come to realize over time that what I am might better be described as careless.

I am the middle child in a family of nine children. I'm sure that in itself is a defining cause for my lack of self identity. I believed that we were "normal". I've since come to realize that there is no such thing. I have buried three marriages and many more loves. Yet I still believe.

I've known much trauma. I've known much violence. I've learned that a friend is not a friend simply because you've labled them so. And the same goes for enemies. I'm much stronger than I ever wanted to be. I'm much older than I feel. The child inside me is my favorite part of me. I hope she never dies. She's unsure, yet unhurt. She is easily amazed by the simplest and the smallest of things. Like the tendrils on a vine she clings to everything good and pure. And she laughs in the face of those that would have destroyed her. She still carries her fathers heart in her tiny little hands. The woman that I am has survived because of her. She has surely saved me.

I mock at my pain. I refuse to tally my losses. I refuse to surrender. I refuse to call myself a victim, but a survivor. Although at times I see no hope and the pain will not be mocked.

I'm here because my old dreams have run out of time and I must find new ones. I am driven to create, but am paralyzed by my past. What I thought were scars it turns out are still gaping wounds that must now be tended to.

This is not self pity. I have also been blessed. I have four beautiful daughters that love me dearly in spite of my shortcomings as a mother. I have two dear friends who know me well and love me better than I deserve. I have the best dog in the world whose only desire in life is to be close to me.

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  • Books, Literature, and Writing (3)
  • This Book Belongs to You
    0

    This Book Belongs to You

    2 months ago

    This Book Belongs to You I am a book…whose nameplate bears your name, I am truly yours, You have turned to pages in me that I myself had never read, Torn pages and noted margins seem to be of no concern to...

  • The Voices From Behind the Door
    4

    The Voices From Behind the Door

    2 months ago

    A short story about two people who feel in love, raised a family and who grew old together. They bothdied of natural causes on the same date 8 years apart. Viewed through the eyes of a child who heard them laughing and...

  • A Handful of Clay .......For Fathers
    4

    A Handful of Clay .......For Fathers

    2 months ago

    A compilation of thoughts on raising boys to be good fathers by providing a good example. Love them enough to do right.

working