10 Fantastic Things You Can Do With a Turtle
In praise of turtles
Today's informative lecture concerns our reptilian buddy, the turtle. Yes, the lowly, overlooked and mostly taken for granted turtle. What a shameful lot we humans are for ignoring such a valuable creation as the turtle. I hope that by the time you finish this offering you with a host of your friends will hang your heads in shame and see the error of your ways. I know I have already.
I love turtles. I might be the only one who loves these slow-moving, docile creatures, but there is "that" certain something about the humble turtle. FACT: Do not confuse the turtle with the terrapin. There is a huge difference. I say this for your sake for the next time you and your friends are hiking in the woods, you will not say, "Hi, Mr. Turtle," and it be a terrapin. Turtles and terrapins both have high levels of self-esteem and cannot stand to be confused with each other. It's an unknown rivalry among the species and until now, has never been published.
So now that I have stood and delivered praise for the turtle, what else is there to do? Aren't you glad that I asked that question? Now the answer: Plenty.
Besides the accepted uses of turtles for soup and lovable pets to occupy the kids so you can enjoy television spectacles like "Dancing With The Stars," and "Super Bowl 50," there are more uses for the turtle that I am feeling apprehensive to publish because I do not want turtles to be placed on the Endangered Species List. Like I said. I love turtles.
So with a great amount of faith, I proudly present to you . . .
10 Fantastic Things You Can Do With Turtles
10.) USE THE EMPTY SHELLS of deceased turtles as camouflaged military helmets if you really want to fool the deer you are hunting. Deer are not that suspicious, so take a buddy with you, but don't forget your novel concept of "Turtle Military Helmets" with you. Hey, get the patent on these. You could make a killing on an infommercial that airs from 2 a.m. until dawn on most satellite television systems.
9.) TELL THE TURTLE all of your troubles. FACT: Turtles are arguably the best listeners of any creature that God ever made. You can confess your somewhat naughty thoughts you've had about "Jenny," a former pole dancer who married your frat brother, "Bob," without ever being ratted out to your wife. Plus, as an added bonus, let me enforce this idea by asking, "have you priced talking to a therapist lately?"
8.) GIVE THE CUTE TURTLE to your new girlfriend, "Cuddles." Let her name him or her. This move is a sure-fire way to score major points with "Cuddles," who works for "Wayne's Wash 'n Wax A Rama," downtown as "Wayne's" personal secretary. Her main duty each day is to keep "Wayne" in pastromi hoagies and iced tea.
7.) USE A TURTLE as a traveling companion. Sure, why not? They do not eat that much and just give your turtle a spacious cardboard box in the backseat, throw in some fresh iceberg lettuce and both of you are in heaven. When you head out of town on a sales trip and find yourself in an aggravating traffic jam, you can vent to your sweet turtle in the backseat without him seeking vengeance upon you.
6.) GIVE A CUTE TURTLE to a youngster who happens to be your nephew who is celebrating his fourth birthday, but you, stuck in a low-commission sales job selling decorative "welcome" mats door-to-door, the only gift you could afford is this cute turtle, but oh, what a life-saver it is.
5.) IF YOU ARE PRONE TO BOREDOM you can sit at a table and allow your pet turtle to "stretch its legs," by crawling to and fro on the table top. You can let your turtle race with a fat cockroach who is stuffed on the Cheet-O's you forgot to put away. Your turtle is sure to win for I happen to know that fat cockroaches hate to move when full of Cheet-O's.
4.) IF YOU ARE AN UP AND COMING SINGER OR STAND-UP COMIC use your pet turtle as a test audience. If he or she suddenly ducks back into its shell, change the song or comic material. Turtles are valuable to people who have their hearts set on being a celebrity.
3.) BE A DARING BOYFRIEND if "Cuddles" is visiting you and has forgotten your pet turtle and he bites her delicate arm. You burst into action faster than Batman. You "act" like you are scolding your pet turtle, but in fact you are silently thanking him or her for causing "Cuddles" to fly into your arms. This will work for you know that "Cuddles" forgets a lot of things on a daily basis. Things like her age, address, and how to zip her dress in the back.
2.) USE YOUR PET TURTLE as a new party game entitled "Name My Turtle." Have your party guests sit in the floor in a circle and put your pet turtle in the center. Each guest takes a swig of beer and offers up a cute name all within nine seconds. Before too much longer, names like "Slogger," "Souper-Man," and "Josh," will fill the air from your drunken party guests all while your pet turtle munches away on all of the Dorito's they have dropped onto the floor.
1.) CREATE YOUR OWN CLAYMATION video by forming people out of clay. Then place them on the floor while letting your turtle crawl through them while you film this action. When you add the appropriate music later, you and "Cuddles," will have a great time watching your homemade horror movie starring "Knocks," your pet turtle.
P.S. "Cuddles," as you remember is very forgetful, will be delighted all over again at you having a pet turtle and love you madly for having a heart for the lowly turtle.