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An Illustrious Guide on How to Stop Your Dog from Barking

Updated on January 21, 2016
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A little rascal of a puppy looking awfully cheery.Good Ol' Abe. Notice the style of beard he wore and emulate it as best you can.The idol of Tanavosh as depicted by the Midwest Pacific Islanders.A representation of the Great Wheel of Time.
A little rascal of a puppy looking awfully cheery.
A little rascal of a puppy looking awfully cheery.
Good Ol' Abe. Notice the style of beard he wore and emulate it as best you can.
Good Ol' Abe. Notice the style of beard he wore and emulate it as best you can.
The idol of Tanavosh as depicted by the Midwest Pacific Islanders.
The idol of Tanavosh as depicted by the Midwest Pacific Islanders.
A representation of the Great Wheel of Time.
A representation of the Great Wheel of Time.

So Your Dog Barks A Lot:

For all dog owners we know how much a struggle it is to keep your dog from barking and being an annoyance when friends or other people visit. Ever have the mailman run away because your dog is viciously barking at him? Then this guide is for you.

Here Are Some Tips To Help:

Tip 1.

A dog owner should always know that they are in charge. DO NOT let your dog get the better of you. This can be challenging as some dogs are very aggressive by nature, meanwhile others are quite calm and peaceful (same thing with humans eh?) One way to assert dominance over your dog is to buy a bone at your local pet shop. Bring the bone home and have your dog sit and do whatever tricks they have learned in order to obtain the bone. This teaches the dog that you are the provider. If you happen to have any honey lying about the house, smother some on the bone. This will drive your dog insane and will then proceed to do any trick you want in order to obtain the bone.

Tip 2.

Pick a day, any day of the week. On this day you need to act like Abraham Lincoln the entire day without breaking character. It helps if you can go to a store and buy a black suit and tie, with matching top hat. If you are a man, grow out your beard in the style of good ol' Abe. If you are a woman then a fake beard works just as well. I recommend you watch some movies that contain an actor portraying his likeness or read a few books about Lincoln. The key here is practice, practice, practice. You need to get your Abe Lincoln impersonation down and NEVER BREAK CHARACTER. It is a little known fact that all dogs have the utmost respect for Honest Abe and will do anything that he tells them to do. I'm serious, they will do anything you tell them to do. Prepare a nice meal of Shrimp Mozambique with some Dom Perignon to accompany? Your dog will become the best chef you've ever known. Stuck on a plane going to Minnesota and there's nothing but garbage to watch on the little tv's in the back of the seat in front of you? Your dog will put together a rendition of Homer's Illiad and will act out every part in the story.

Tip 3.

Pray to the great lord Tanavosh for guidance with helping to rid your dog of their pesky barking. Tanavosh is the Midwest Pacific Islander God of Dogs and his favor will silence your dog for a good while. I recommend bringing a rabbit as offering to Tanavosh as this is his most favored offering. You can find altars in the Midwest Pacific or you can build a small alter of your own using nothing but a block of stone from the closest quarry near the Dead Sea and a sack of toothpicks that has been blessed by a priest of any religion.

Tip 4.

Know your inner soul and your place in the Great Wheel of Time. All things will come to an end one day, and on that day you certainly don't want your dog to be barking at all of the other eternal souls being culled into the Everlife. Talk about embarrassing! By knowing your souls place in the eternal Wheel of Time you can predict the exact moment when your dogs will bark, as you will know all things past and present and will be able to peer into the 4th dimension for guidance in seeking these things out.

Tip 5 (Last One)

Always remember that having a dog is not just owning an animal. It is allowing another being to come into your life and bond with that beings soul which will bring everlasting joy to you and anyone who meets your dog. You HAVE TO remember that all dogs are the reincarnated forms of Dragons from the middle ages, the dogs before that were called the Amonculous, but thats a story for a different article.

Final Words:

I sincerely hope that this article has helped you a bit in your quest to stop your dog from barking at your friends or neighbors. It is my personal opinion that the Abraham Lincoln method works best in these situations, as it has never failed me once and I own 4 trillion dogs across 7 different planes of existence.

© 2016 Henry Vallaro


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