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Catiquette (or a manual for cat behavior)

Updated on February 28, 2012
People need to learn sharing their food ;)
People need to learn sharing their food ;) | Source

People have 3 main functions in cats life:

  • To feed us
  • To entertain us
  • To clean the litter

Keep your dignity around them and don't allow them to forget who is the master of the house.

They need to know the rules of the catiquette and learn to behave if you are to work with them.

Let's start with the most important:

Night feeding

When your human has habit of going to the loo at night, have him awake at this exact time he goes. Gently rub your moustache on his face and purr.

When awake and on his way to the loo, guide him by gentle pushes to the kitchen and stop in front of the fridge.

If he gets the idea and feeds you - have him awake every night at this exact time.

Habits are good thing ;)

Normal feeding

When you humans eat on the table, be sure to

  • Ignore your bowl entirely and approach the table.
  • Ignore your water and put your whiskers in the human glasses.
  • Make the cute look and stretch a paw in front of you.
  • If they don't learn they need to share, ...
  • ...dip your tail in one of the dishes.

Feed meh?
Feed meh? | Source

Vomiting, barfing and puking

Timing and location are of the essence.

If you feel the urge to @#$%^&* a hairball, quickly jump on the bed or the sofa.

If you can't make it there quickly, go to the most expensive looking carpet in the house.

Be sure to barf in a hard to spot place. This way your human may not see it and step or sit on it.

Dead birds, mice, bugs and other gross things

They need to be shared with your humans.

How they will learn to share their food if you don't show them by personal example?

Expose the carcass at the front door and demand attention with a loud MEOW! =O.o=


Never allow your human to know what is your favorite meal.

Eat one thing for breakfast and demand another for dinner.

Do not allow closing of doors in the house. Immediately go to the closed door and start scratching and meowing.

When the door is opened - in no case rush and enter. Even if they have the nerve to push you with foot.

You have the right to reconsider if you want to be in this room or that room. Stay for one minute in front of the door and think. Especially if it is the front door and the weather is awful, windy and rainy.

Staring stalker =^_^=
Staring stalker =^_^= | Source

Toilets and litters

When your humans are going to the loo, always accompany them.

Don't do anything. Just stay and watch.

Staring gaze is okay.

Show them, that they need to learn not to watch you when you are doing it.

Affection and other nonsense

Allow your humans to pet you. Petting increases their willingness to buy you treats.

Do not overdo petting. Soon after your are fed with it, turn your back in front of the human face (as near as possible) and raise your tail, exposing your buns.

Repeat this with annoying guests, if they try to pet you.

Humans need to learn - All good things must be done with moderation.

Cute little box.
Cute little box. | Source

Running from home

It must be done from time to time.

Use the closed door tactics. Just don't hesitate this time.


They will come chasing you. Allow them to come nearby and when they stretch arms to catch you MEOW and run away.

Rinse and repeat.

In the end, there will be a treat and more attention. Just don't overdo it, or they may decide to spay or neuter you.

You woun't understand. So don't ask.
You woun't understand. So don't ask. | Source

Paper bags and boxes

All paper and plastic bags need to be explored from inside.

All boxes, need to be measured.

Use the phrase

"If it fits, I sits"

Humans can't understand this. But still - some of them think it is cute.

Interacting with humans

If your human works from home, you need to ensure that he is aware of you willing to help him

  • When he reads on the bed, lay on his chest and read with him.
  • If he is working on the computer, either lay in front of the Keyboard or warm your bottoms over the monitor. The heat is pleasant and your presence will calm the human.
  • If his wife likes knitting, start kneading on the yarn immediately. If she tries to remove you by force - bite the yarn and pull all the way to the hallway... what does she know about kneading anyway.

Just don't forget those few things and you will be okay with your human:

All smart people have cats.

They are still dumb enough to feed you, while you can kill more than 1000 types of pray in nature to feed yourself.

They are easy to control with cuteness and well established habits.

They will never understand you, so let them guess all the time by changing your own habits.

Slippers are short ranged weapon without auto aim. Just hide around the corner.


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    • m0rd0r profile image

      Stoill Barzakov 5 years ago from Sofia, Bulgaria

      @ Rlaha and Audra. Hi and well met.

      My black female cat is devoted follower of the Catiquette ;) She is the reason I put this hub up.

      Perspycacious, I am sorry - English is not my native language and I often "eat" letters or use Bulgarian word order. Will make back-reading to recheck.

    • profile image

      iamaudraleigh 5 years ago

      Love the kitties! Voted up for the cat lover you are!

    • Perspycacious profile image

      Demas W Jasper 5 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

      Up and funny. Needs some grammatical and proofreading review, but outstanding.

    • Perspycacious profile image

      Demas W Jasper 5 years ago from Today's America and The World Beyond

      Even before reading the Hub, I must comment on what a fantastic photo you chose for its illustration! Now to read and comment further.

    • rlaha profile image

      rlaha 5 years ago from Spartanburg, SC

      This was so cute! I loved the pictures of the cats and kittens! I voted this up, funny and have shared this. Thanks for sharing!