Daily Weird #30 Monkey Pee Monkey Do
A pee bath is just what the little woman ordered.
If you want to attract a woman, all you have to do is pee on your hands and rub it on your feet and your butt.....
if you’re a monkey, that is. An actual monkey.You may consider yourself a sexy monkey, in which case, please feel free to try this in a bar. I would start with a really drunk, ugly girl, but you can go for the sorority girl you think it will work. Please get back to me and let me know how it goes. I’m curious. They have e-mail now in jails and hospitals, so I do expect some feedback.
Researchers have found that several species of New World male monkeys wash themselves in urine to, in essence, say “Hey baby, it’s all good. I got your lovin’ right here.” Oddly enough, this totally works. Not just with the drunken ugly monkey-ladies, but the rich hot-lookin’ monkey-ladies as well. A little pee placed appropriately by the monkey-man, and all the monkey-ladies become animals!
Adult male monkeys excrete testosterone in their urine. The higher up in social status the monkey is, the more testosterone he excretes. This makes all kinds of sense (scents?). When the female monkey is taking a whiff of monkey-man's urine-saturated monkey butt, she’s really checking out how much he’s worth.
This is exactly like the human gold-digging female. When she’s on a date she sniffs her date’s butt, or wherever he keeps his wallet. This, coupled with well placed questions as to his title at work, stock options and real estate holdings tell her about his social standing. If he isn’t excreting enough testosterone, (ie. worth enough), she moves on to the next sucker..er guy.
Both human and monkey sniff-butt systems are effective. Urine and power seem to go together. Men would most likely prefer the pee method,if they had the option, as it would speed up the elimination process and perhaps keep him from having to buy dinner if he is found lacking. If she decides that he is what she's looking for, he could probably still skip dinner, as eating dinner with pee on your hands is gross- no matter how powerful and rich you are.
Besides attracting the opposite sex, researchers have also found that these monkeys will rub pee on their feet and hands when confronted by another monkey in an aggressive way. This is to say, “Hey, there’s pee on my hands and feet, what kind of threat am I really? Ok, the girl monkeys want me, and your sister is lookin’ my way, but your mom still thinks you’re tops, so it’s all good.“ 87% of the time, this totally works.
Oddly enough, the pee washing monkeys are, in general, much less stressed than their non-peed-upon counterparts. These pee-rubbing monkeys are laid back and totally good with the world. It just goes to show that a little pee, rubbed in the right spots, the proper way, can make for a very good day.
I tried this last week, and it really worked. I’m not a guy, so no women came to sniff my testosterone, while at the same time no one bothered me with petty chores or problems. As a matter of fact, they left me alone completely. It was very calming.
To read more about monkey pee baths, click a link below.
- BBC - Earth News - Sexy monkeys wash with own urine
Capuchin monkeys wee on their hands, then rub their urine on their fur, to signal their sexual status, scientists discover.
- Randy monkeys wash hands, feet in urine - Technology & science - Science - LiveScience - msnbc.c