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Daily Weird #30 Monkey Pee Monkey Do

Updated on July 24, 2013
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A pee bath is just what the little woman ordered.

If you want to attract a woman, all you have to do is pee on your hands and rub it on your feet and your butt.....

if you’re a monkey, that is. An actual monkey.You may consider yourself a sexy monkey, in which case, please feel free to try this in a bar. I would start with a really drunk, ugly girl, but you can go for the sorority girl you think it will work. Please get back to me and let me know how it goes. I’m curious. They have e-mail now in jails and hospitals, so I do expect some feedback.

Researchers have found that several species of New World male monkeys wash themselves in urine to, in essence, say “Hey baby, it’s all good. I got your lovin’ right here.” Oddly enough, this totally works. Not just with the drunken ugly monkey-ladies, but the rich hot-lookin’ monkey-ladies as well. A little pee placed appropriately by the monkey-man, and all the monkey-ladies become animals!

Adult male monkeys excrete testosterone in their urine. The higher up in social status the monkey is, the more testosterone he excretes. This makes all kinds of sense (scents?). When the female monkey is taking a whiff of monkey-man's urine-saturated monkey butt, she’s really checking out how much he’s worth.

This is exactly like the human gold-digging female. When she’s on a date she sniffs her date’s butt, or wherever he keeps his wallet. This, coupled with well placed questions as to his title at work, stock options and real estate holdings tell her about his social standing. If he isn’t excreting enough testosterone, (ie. worth enough), she moves on to the next sucker..er guy.

Both human and monkey sniff-butt systems are effective. Urine and power seem to go together. Men would most likely prefer the pee method,if they had the option, as it would speed up the elimination process and perhaps keep him from having to buy dinner if he is found lacking. If she decides that he is what she's looking for, he could probably still skip dinner, as eating dinner with pee on your hands is gross- no matter how powerful and rich you are.

Besides attracting the opposite sex, researchers have also found that these monkeys will rub pee on their feet and hands when confronted by another monkey in an aggressive way. This is to say, “Hey, there’s pee on my hands and feet, what kind of threat am I really? Ok, the girl monkeys want me, and your sister is lookin’ my way, but your mom still thinks you’re tops, so it’s all good.“ 87% of the time, this totally works.

Oddly enough, the pee washing monkeys are, in general, much less stressed than their non-peed-upon counterparts. These pee-rubbing monkeys are laid back and totally good with the world. It just goes to show that a little pee, rubbed in the right spots, the proper way, can make for a very good day.

I tried this last week, and it really worked. I’m not a guy, so no women came to sniff my testosterone, while at the same time no one bothered me with petty chores or problems. As a matter of fact, they left me alone completely. It was very calming.

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    • profile image

      567890 4 years ago

      You r great i wish i could get woman that quick and looking that good.

    • Funom Makama 3 profile image

      Funom Theophilus Makama 4 years ago from Europe

      What an interesting and really funny article.. I am already planning on how to pee on my pants in my next date (maybe Feb 14th)... And by the way, that Monkey in the first picture is damn so lucky... LOL! Great and fantastic hub. It really spiced up my day.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 4 years ago from Indiana

      I thank you for your warm wishes, good energy, and peed-upon pants! A writer could not hope for more!! Thank you!

    • epigramman profile image

      epigramman 4 years ago

      ..I just went ape over this monkey hub of yours - and I peed my pants in laughter too - what a writer you are - what a hub discovery - I am going to jump up the highest tree right now and find me a banana and say - Holy shite this hub and the author within - is a holy moly superstar!

      lake erie time ontario canada 7:33am and sending you warm wishes and good energy

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Sueroy just keep a notebook close by! I'm sure you will be thinking of some zingers:) well I'll be sending you good wishes and thoughts for the big opening! So exciting! Sleep good tonight and hurry back!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- Thanks for checking out my old stuff!! It might be getting a little rank and moldy by now, but who doesn't love to play around in mold spores?

      We're without the internet right now, so it may be a couple of months before I get back to "hanging out" with you all and finding some cool Daily Weirds. I sure do miss you all!

      My thrift store (The Willow Tree) opens tomorrow, so at least I'm staying busy, even if I have all this unwritten humor inside that has no where to go. I may bust a gut and puke out funny while ringing up clothing... this could get ugly....

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Oh sue I missed you! So I then realized - what the he'll! You have lots I haven't read so you keep yourself busy and I'll do the same. I will notify you when I'm getting close to being caught up.

      I'm working on a funny one now. I think you will like it:)

      Tell Chelsea hi and congrats! School is almost out for the girls thank God!

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Realho- You are SO funny!!

      You are also right. I've started a Daily Weird, but I've been so busy, I haven't had time to write! My store opens on the 4th of June, so hopefully things will balance themselves out by then!

      Thank you for reading some of my old stuff... what a compliment! :O)

      You made my day! :)

    • RealHousewife profile image

      Kelly Umphenour 6 years ago from St. Louis, MO

      Well Sue - I decided you must be busy and that could be a good thing! I could catch up on the old stuff:)! This is so hilarious = you don't even know! omg! I knew I needed a monkey and I do love monkeys! Now I can justify to Dave why I should have my monkey and it's pee and doo too!

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      ahorseback- awww, thanks! I think you're funny too! :O)

    • ahorseback profile image

      ahorseback 6 years ago

      Awesome because I didn't know and funny because you are ...so funny!

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Zanerus- Animals are odd, and yet, so similar to people in their own ways.

      I wouldn't read this twice either, it's a little gross. :)

    • Zanerus profile image

      Zanerus 6 years ago from United states

      Odd article indeed, not something I'd read again, but I have a weak stomach.

      Animals are odd.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      chinasexlingerie- Thanks for dropping by and letting me know you were here. Thanks for laughing, too... I love it when people do that!

      Unusual name. You wouldn't happen to write about sexy lingerie from China would you? Just a wild guess. :)

    • profile image

      chinasexlingerie 6 years ago from china

      LOL, So Funny.

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      crystolite- You are completely right. The peeing monkeys were the male monkeys. The women are just the sniffers. Good call.

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Chris-I'm glad I could save you some embarrassment. You are so right. A shy bladder is nothing to laugh at. OK, well, I laugh, but I laugh at peeing will nilly, so what do I know?

      If you got to your bone, you did the bleaching correctly. Good job.:)

    • crystolite profile image

      Emma 6 years ago from Houston TX

      Sorry friends but i quite disagree with you.You cant compare the pee monkey to ladies.nice article but look really next time

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Sue,

      Thanks for the warning. I just caught myself, which would have been a little awkward as I'm in Starbucks using their free internet 'cause I broke ours...

      You need to think, before publishing hubs such as these, on the impact they might have on those of little brain. It's not enough that the whole economic thing is my fault, now I have a shy bladder, which is NOT FUNNY (remember...)

      PS I washed the finger in pure bleach - no pee, no fingerprint, no...OMG is that my bone!

      C

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Kindacrazy- Brilliant AND gutsy... I might just have to print that off and tape it to my husband's forehead. He's not a big fan of the monkey pee. I can live with that if his face says I'm brilliant and gutsy.

      You totally made my little peebrain day! Thank you!!!!

    • Kindacrazy profile image

      Kindacrazy 6 years ago from Tennessee

      Sue, you are so right about being a little to the left. It takes a brilliant mind and GUTSY gal to write all about monkey pee. Funny stuff, loved it!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      Chris- I wondered where you were. I'm not surprised that you tried this with your computer, I'm only surprised that you didn't try again with SHE's computer thinking it would work better on a laptop.

      I would give you a noogie and an "ahh you" if the thought of being within a mile radius of your pee finger didn't make me want to bring up Chuck. I remember we'd decided Chuck should never be brought up, so I won't do so now. I will however, just for you, give the following warning:

      WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME AS MONKEYS MAY INVADE YOUR HOUSE AND TRY AND HAVE THEIR WAY WITH YOU.

      DO NOT TRY THIS ON YOUR COMPUTER... SEE CHRIS LINCOLN'S COMMENT ABOVE.

      DO NOT TRY THIS AWAY FROM HOME AS YOU WILL MOST LIKELY GET ARRESTED. HOPEFULLY BEFORE SOME UGLY CHICK WITH A MONKEY HAS HER WAY WITH YOU.

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      @Austin- you're twisted beyond words-we should so hang out some time.

      @M zvy- Thank you. It came to me in a monkey dream. I only wish I had woken up before I peed!

      @Qudsai- disgusting is true. funny is true. I think you've described the genera of my hubs. A long time ago I used to research politics and history. I've fallen so far-of course, it's way more fun in the gutter!

    • ChrisLincoln profile image

      ChrisLincoln 6 years ago from Orange (or Lemon...) County, California

      Sue,

      Sorry I'm so late with my comments, made a huge mistake, paying for it now. I mean I reguarly pee on all kinds of stuff, that way people know its mine, right? Anyhow, I wondered if I typed with pee on my finger (yeah, I just use the one, the other nine just "hang out"), would I get lots of those naughty videos popping up on my screen, and hey! It totally worked.

      I got way distracted and mistakenly peed on the picture of the lady with a very large butt.

      Disaster, smoke from keyboard, picture goes black, house goes dark...

      Asking She if I could borrow her laptop was a little awkward, especially as she asked, "What's the matter with your computer?" I lied, said some monkey had peed on it...

      Please add a warning to this hub in case this unfortunate incident is repeeted all over the world,

      C

    • QudsiaP1 profile image

      QudsiaP1 6 years ago

      Haha disgustingly funny. :)

    • M Zvyagintsev profile image

      M Zvyagintsev 6 years ago from Auckland, New Zealand

      LOL! Where on earth did you get the idea to write an article of this content.

      Brilliant stuff.

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Well, if Bob peed on his butt and I was watching, and he asked me to sniff it, I might laugh so hard that I would pee a little bit too!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      @Austin- you're quite the entrepreneur these days. First naked car-wash boys, and now monkey urine. I do like the way you think. Maybe if you sold the monkey urine right outside the naked car wash....

      @Pamela- my favorite part of the day is seeing how twisted my readers are. I really think I have some of the funniest commenters in hubland! And yes, I can't imagine the whole, look I peed on my butt want to sniff it routine would work with you! Austin, maybe, but not you. :)

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      @Vocalcoach- Mentalist makes me have to excuse myself as well! Great job multitasking, by the way!

      @poorconservative- I've always been lucky to have some really funny people comment on my hubs! You fit right in! Now go find your wife- you may want to hurry I saw a sexy girl monkey heading your way a few seconds ago!

      @arb- I'm all about the education. Good luck finding your wife, I think she's hiding with poorconservative's. Good luck!

    • Pamela99 profile image

      Pamela Oglesby 6 years ago from United States

      I honestly don't know you think the these hysterical and the comments are just as entertaining. I will say if my husband tries that trick it's probably not going to work well for him.

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 6 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      Business idea: Gather monkey urine and sell to the Chinese as aphrodisiac. $500 an ounce or dram (whichever measurement they use).

      This hub explains urine fetishes in males!

      But it does not explain why my taking a shower always encourages Bob to think he's getting lucky again.

      Oh well, if we can make money on it, who cares?

    • arb profile image

      arb 6 years ago from oregon

      Should I be worried if I found this more interesting than funny? Haven't been able to find my wife all day!

    • poorconservative1 profile image

      poorconservative1 6 years ago

      I read some of the comments for this Hub and laughed so hard I now have to go pee again.........Hey, I wonder what my wife's doing?

    • vocalcoach profile image

      Audrey Hunt 6 years ago from Nashville Tn.

      Oh, so funny! I'd rather laugh then pee anytime! Then I read your hilarious hub and found that I could do both at the same time. LOL - and Menalist Acer really go me going! I had a great time and am ready for more! Thanks.

    • sueroy333 profile image
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      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      @Drbj- your comments could make a hub worth reading all by themselves! Thank you!!

      @Pixienot- I read the whole thing out loud to my husband... not even a hint of a smile. I'm glad you laughed out loud, that sort of evens it all out! Thanks for the LOL and the vote!!!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      @Tom Cornett- I actually considered that as a title for this hub... there's nothin' like a little pee lovin'... or so the monkey said.

      @mentalist- you're excused. :)

      @fiddleman- thank you!

    • sueroy333 profile image
      Author

      Susan Mills 6 years ago from Indiana

      @Will- well, I know how Brenda is now!

      I can't thank you enough for this visual. I can't seem to get it out of my mind, either. Too funny.... now make it go away!! :)

      @poorconservative- you do my heart good. There is no greater honor than the one you constantly give me.. thank you for laughing and enjoying my monkey butts!

      @Dave- don't go there. Although, if you DO go there, I want to see the video!

      @Susan- great minds think alike. Thank you for stopping by, not just to see my monkey butts, but to see the guys in a pissing contest as well! Did you feel the need for a shower (a real one) after reading my hubs? I felt the need after writing them! Thank you for your vote and rate... you're so good to me!

    • Pixienot profile image

      Pixienot 6 years ago from Clarksville, Indiana

      Oh Susan, too funny. Found myself laughing out loud. Speaking of "out loud" try the Second paragraph out loud.

      I am still laughing at the male comments and drbj. This one may top the poo creation one.

      Voted up, funny and awesome! Keep up the good work!

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 6 years ago from south Florida

      That photo at the top, dear Sue, just says it all.

      With the right type of monkey, a gal can have a ball.

      'Urine' top form with this one, m'luv!

    • Fiddleman profile image

      Robert Elias Ballard 6 years ago from Zirconia, North Carolina

      Good one, and so funny.

    • Mentalist acer profile image

      Mentalist acer 6 years ago from A Voice in your Mind!

      Excuse me,I've go to go pee.;)

    • Tom Cornett profile image

      Tom Cornett 6 years ago from Ohio

      Monkey pee monkey do.....get some lovin'! :) :)

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 6 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Sue scratch that last comment about contests I just read the pee game for men hub. oops have to go back and rate it up and funny too!

    • Just Ask Susan profile image

      Susan Zutautas 6 years ago from Ontario, Canada

      Very funny! Where do you come up with this stuff? I think you should do a hub on Men and Pissing contests. Just an idea. Rated up and funny :)

    • CathyandDaveAdopt profile image

      CathyandDaveAdopt 6 years ago from The Med City

      Dave sez,

      Brilliant! Sheer genius!

      Now I know what to do the next time Cathy gets cross with me...

    • poorconservative1 profile image

      poorconservative1 6 years ago

      I think you just love making me suffer, I'm laughing so hard I can't breath.

      Thanks, that was great, may I have another.

      urine saturated monkey butt, that's funny.

      Thanks again

    • WillStarr profile image

      WillStarr 6 years ago from Phoenix, Arizona

      Nope, it doesn't work on human ladies. One of my buddies used to get drunk, pass out, and pee his pants. Not one girl was attracted to his mating ritual.

      (Well OK, I guess Brenda did marry him, but you know how she is!)