Funny Pet and Livestock Classifieds
Attention Animal Lovers!
I love reading through the animal section of the classifieds. It has been years since I adopted a pet or bought livestock from a newspaper ad, but I still love to browse.
Sometimes the ads are very tempting. Who wouldn't be attracted to an ad for "cute bunnies" or "newly hatched chicks"? I've been almost persuaded to by "baby Hamp piglets" even though I don't have a place to keep one these days, and if I had a water source "snow white geese" would be living in my yard.
But, alas. I no longer live on a farm...my two acres couldn't possibly house the menagerie I would adopt if I had the means. But...that doesn't stop a girl from window shopping, right?
Over the years I have collected a charming supply of strange and funny pet ads and fliers while perusing the pet and livestock classifieds. Since I have mostly lived in farm country, ads for animals have always been abundant.
Many of these are very amusing--either because the authors are incredibly blunt, or because someone forgot to edit properly for spelling and wording.
Here are the best from my collection:
Stop Horsing Around!
Wanted: Free horse. Appalachian perfered, one with black spots. I have horse expereice and am good rider, so a broken horse or not okay. Would perfer one that is gilded. (how much does it cost to have a whole horse dipped in gold these days?)
For Real? Or Just Bad Wording?
We may never know if they meant to say what they advertised. An extra vowel, an incorrect comma...those little things can sure make a big difference when you are selling something.
- LOST! Female cat, adult, solid black. $5000 reward. (here kitty kitty!)
- Chihuahuas for sale. Small boy-toys free to good home.
- 5 yr old, marmalade tabby. Neutered, gentle with kids. Rehoming fee of $25. Comes with own bowels, carrier, and toys. (good, I like a gutsy cat!)
- Want to buy--Rottweiler chihuahua . Need small dog for kids. Must be gentle, house-trained, good guard dog and healthy. (wow...is that even possible?)
- Needed! Gentle horse. Must be at least 15 hands, good with new rider. Able to carry 40. (forty...? People? Pounds?)
- For sale--tame donkey. Sweet, good pet. Have to sell because neighbors are complaining about his bra. (It shouldn't be any of the neighbor's business what the donkey wears.)
Honesty..Not Always The Best Policy
Some animal ads focus on honesty as a selling point.
- Free to a good home. Horrid little dog. Some kind of terrier, thinks she is a pit-bull. Bites everyone. Recently had surgery to remove my wedding ring. Recuperating fine, vet says she can travel.
- Free! Really stupid cat. Keeps jumping on cookstove. Needs loving owners who provide supervision.
- For sale: 1 gay boar. 2 years old, hamp cross. Tame, great for pet or snake control.
- For sale: Rottweiler female. Very friendly, well trained. Comes with 1 free orange tabby kitten whom she loves and guards fiercely. Love the dog, boyfriend hates cats though. Dog won't be parted from kitten. $150.
- Free: Ugly dog. Dachsund/cocker spaniel/terrier/something else. Short, fat, and hairy. Great with kids.
- For sale: OCD poodle.
- For sale; Smelly parakeets. Two males, three females. Belonged to ex. $5 each.
- For sale: Some kind of wild, paranoid chickens. You catch. $6 each or the whole flock for $20.
- For sale: 43 very fertile hamsters. $2 ea. Also, 25 cages and tanks, water bottles, 3 bags of shavings. Make me an offer on the whole set-up.
- Free to a good home: Cat who had kittens on my antique sofa. 4 kittens, all black. Package deal.
- 55 gallon aquarium. Smells like dead fish. $50 obo. Will trade for rabbits.
- Neutered Yorkie. Marks everything. Great dog if you don't mind pee
Anyone who runs a farm, or who raises pets to sell knows that having good breeding stock is very important. Sometimes you get what you pay for, though:
- For sale: 1 Buff Orpington hen, 2 yrs old. Great brood hen, but will only set duck eggs. Ducks are jealous.
- For sale or trade: Tom turkey that is attracted to guinea hens and dogs.
- For sale: Two female collies. AKC papers, spayed. 1 year old. Will make beautiful puppies.
- AKC registered Great Dane stud for sale, 2 years old. Has produced 31 litters of puppies (some on premises). Great breed stock. Had major hip surgery last month. Needs a good home and TLC. (that's how every dog wants to break a hip.)
- Free to a good home: One queen anne sofa and one chihuahua who is in love with sofa leg.
- Free to a good home (slight rehoming fee) Two dachsund puppies. Must go together. I will need to inspect every room of your house first to make sure you are not a puppy mill or illegal breeder or dog abuser. I will make surprise visits for the first year to check on puppies.
Her Royal Highness
Lady Bella is a two year old calico female. She is free to a good home following these conditions:
- You must live within (name of upscale neighborhood)
- You must be willing to cook her meals
- She eats only farm fresh and organic meats
- She is bathed twice a week
- She is allowed to do as she pleases in your home
Lady Bella is very special and deserves to be treated as a lady.
Pets With Stipulations
I guess I am a little old school when it comes to animals. I love them, but animals are animals, and humans are humans.
I'm the "mean" pet owner who doesn't allow animals on the furniture (and certainly not in my bed. They don't eat from my plate, (or my fork), and they are NEVER allowed to lick me in the mouth. That said, they have their own bed, their own dishes, and plenty of love.
These following people stretch the lines between animals and people a bit thin. Some even border on creepy. At the very least, there are some strict rules ahead:
- Free to a good home--12 week old mixed breed puppies. I have spent a lot of time and money raising these puppies so I am charging a rehoming fee of $100 per puppy. That is so i know you are a good person because only someone who can afford to take care of them will pay the fee. I wont let these puppies go to just anyone. there are rules though. I will want to meet with you and tour your home before you can adopt a puppy. I will be checking that you have a clean house and can afford to care for a pet. I don't want these puppies to go to anyone who already has pets. They deserve undivided attention. You must have a large fenced yard, and a home big enough to accomadate a pet. I will inspect that you also have pet supplies such as a harness (no collars!), leashes, pet furniture, vitamins, shampoos, grooming brushes and food. You will have to choose a vet before you adopt too, I will want to check that your vet is good.
- Free to a good home--Male tabby cat, neutered, 3 years old. Am moving to another state and can't take him with me. I will miss him. Please only respond if you are willing to write or call me regularly with updates on Tabs for the rest of his life. I would appreciate pictures too. $35 rehoming fee.
- Re-homing fee: Am having to part with my brindle American Bulldog. He is 4 years old, neutered, and well-trained. If you can't pay the fee then don't respond. He is NOT FOR SALE. Selling an animal is insulting. The fee is to guarantee that he finds a suitable owner. He is to be fed Alpo every other day, and my own recipe for home-made food on alternate days. I will give you a copy of his feeding requirements.
- Male mastiff for sale--5 months old. Father weighed 197 pounds. I will need to see your home before the sale is final. You must have a very large fenced yard with shade trees. He must be allowed to stay indoors except to potty and exercise. He is used to sleeping in the bed with us. We will NOT sell him to anyone who uses a kennel. He should either: sleep in your bed, have a large pet bed in your room, or have access to a spare bedroom. He will be a large dog and will need plenty of indoor space.
- Free--(rehoming charge) 1 year old Great Dane puppy, Papertrained only. Indoor dog only.
- For sale--11 beloved goats. 2 males, 9 nannies. Have been raised indoors. 1 nanny is a family pet who shares our bed. Must be willing to allow us to visit her often.
- Guinea Pig--$135 rehoming fee. Want to meet you and see your home. You should have all equipment before inquiring.
How Far is Too Far?
Would you be willing to allow a total stranger inspect your home so that you could adopt a pet?
Itsy Bitsy Spider....
- Free--Pet spiders. All locally caught. Have many varieties. Great for school projects and show-and-tell. Would make great gifts.
Country people are softies when it comes to rescuing wild animals. Sometimes things don't go as planned. Here are some people desperate to re-home some wild pets.
- Wild bunnies--rescued, bottlefed. CANNOT be tamed. Cute...but mean.
- Pet skunk--rescued as a baby. Gentle and shy. Not de-scented. Fiancée says skunk has to go before wedding.
- Free to a good home--some kind of snake. I found Pixie in the garden two years ago. She eats bugs, mice, and cat food. She does bite, but I guess she isn't poisonous. Can't take her to college with me and mom says she won't feed her.
Things I've Learned From Pet Ads
These ads barely touch on all the fun animal advertisements I have found. I've learned a lot from animal classifieds though. For one thing, some people have no clue as to what they are talking about. (for example...one ad shows a person advertising a Collie...when the photo clearly shows a black and tan hound.
I've also learned about using politically correct terminology. After all, we don't 'sell' animals. We charge a 're-homing' fee. Maybe I'm getting old and cynical, but trading money for an item is still buying and selling, right?
Hope you have enjoyed these funny pet (and livestock) classifieds. I am off to put "re-homing" fees on my yard sale items. (Hey, it could work!)