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How to Train an Elephant in One Easy Step

Updated on December 1, 2012

How to Train an Elephant in One Easy Step

We all love our elephants, until the neighborhood realizes Patty Pachyderm (our first elephant, feel free to use the name on one of yours) might not be sufficiently trained. Maintaining the standards of a gated community prove problematic when in-ground swimming pools become elephant wading pools and compost heaps turn into elephant graveyards. As the pool boy always says: "Yuk."

Wouldn't we all love to train our elephant in one easy step? Thankfully, the word easy is subjective: tasks that present no challenge for Tarzan or Jack Hanna can be morbidly tedious for suburban jungle dwellers who didn't grow up with a veldt where the backyard was supposed to be.

We present a compendium of tips and tricks to ease the frustration of elephant training.

Miller Mfg. SS36 Livestock Prod

We elephant aficionados look upon our big gray pets as big gray pets rather than livestock, but as long you keep the original box hidden an upstairs closet (because elephants can't climb stairs, duh) your leathery friend will have no clue he's being prodded by a device intended for a different class of beast.

StarMark Training Collar

Training your elephant in one easy step may be as simple as flashing this training collar under his long nose. Sufficiently bright elephants quickly realize they don't want this thing clamped around their neck, their leg, or their trunk.

Intex 117-by-76-by-53-Inch Rainbow Ring Pool Play Center

Elephants know that when the kids go inside to watch Wheel of Fortune and eat Hot Pockets, it's elephant wading pool time. This durable plastic blow-up watering hole will keep your pet happy and hydrated long after sundown. Note: the pool is not hyena-proof.

Modern elephants prefer a mild shock to the debilitating attack of roving lion pods. We know this to be true. Elephant trainers use this knowledge as a crucial training point. Attach 10 or 20 radio collars to your favorite elephant, light up the invisible fence, and consider your training days to be over. Relax on the veranda as Patty Pachyderm carefully traces her arboreal borders, but never ventures into the neighbor's peanut patch.

Lentek Super Bark Free Dog Training Device

Training anything in one easy step may be accomplished by putting a high decibel horn next to its' ear and pulling the trigger. We suspect that even a member of Congress could learn the nuances of a balanced budget after one or three applications of extreme sound at close range. They probably stock these things at Gitmo. You may long to train your elephant in one easy step, but unless your friendly beast is so far out of order that even PETA won't help you, this device almost certainly contravenes the elephant-training code of ethics. We're here to help, but even we have standards.

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    • nicomp profile image
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      nicomp really 5 years ago from Ohio, USA

      This hub should be trending. Google has no taste.

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 6 years ago from Ohio, USA

      only 44 hits. sigh. I am in need of keyword analysis.

    • profile image

      maria 6 years ago

      in my house there is a elephant . after one week my next house also bought an elephant . after 6 days my elephant and their was missing . we went to look for them . at last we found them sleeping with each other and had a baby elephand with them

    • travelespresso profile image

      travelespresso 7 years ago from Somewhere in this exciting world.

      Love you hub nicomp! Elephants in gated communities - what would the neighbors say? Very funny.

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @Jeremey : Thanks!

    • Jeremey profile image

      Jeremey 7 years ago from Arizona

      You take the blizzard if I were a judge, hilarious!

    • lorlie6 profile image

      Laurel Rogers 7 years ago from Bishop, Ca

      Fabulous stuff, Nicomp! But if you want to win this thing, you better get started with a bribery plan.

      I, for one, enjoy shiny things...oh, and green things!

    • De Greek profile image

      De Greek 7 years ago from UK

      Hello?

      As one of the three judges of this here competition may I just say that I consider this Hub to be a likely candidate for first prize? A candidate, mind you, not a cert.

      May I also casually mention that we have formed a new charity, coincidentally called “The Three Judges Charity” and any contribution you may care to make to it shall be given the consideration it deserves?

      Furthermore, I wish to give the lie to inaccurately spurious and dastardly rumours spread by a person who shall remain nameless (let’s call him Stan for argument’s sake) that we shall be happy with bribes of only chocolates and flowers? Naturally we live for literature and are doing this for the good of humanity, but any poor chump who thinks that he or she will have a chance in hell of winning this competition with a bunch of flowers, has another thing coming. ;-)

    • nicomp profile image
      Author

      nicomp really 7 years ago from Ohio, USA

      @ralwus: Ohio is a hotbed of elephant training, everyone know that.

    • profile image

      ralwus 7 years ago

      hmmm, how many Ohio entries are in this thing anyway. 3 of us right here. I don't trust elephants.

    • dlgjmg30 profile image

      dlgjmg30 7 years ago from Lytle Creek, CA

      nicomp,

      That was hysterical. I actually laughed out loud.

      I voted you up and funny.

      I also agree with cookie training.

    • Shadesbreath profile image

      Shadesbreath 7 years ago from California

      LOL. "Modern elephants prefer a mild shock to the debilitating attack of roving lion pods." Man that is just fall down funny. I can assume that the elephants of yesteryear were more manly, or, uh, elephantly, and would rather face those lion pods than take the softened up modern convenience of a mild shock to keep the "warrior heart" alive, eh?

      Good stuff, and nice to see this topic in Stan's contest get tackled.

    • Austinstar profile image

      Lela 7 years ago from Somewhere in the universe

      You do realize that any animal can be trained through the use of "cookies"? It's the only step needed. However, there may be uses for the training tips mentioned here.

      Stan told me I was as brilliant as "Shakespeare", so therefore, ipso facto, I will win the new $10 grand prize! Good luck for second place ;-)

    • Haunty profile image

      Haunty 7 years ago from Hungary

      Thank you for the great tips, nicomp. I voted up and useful. :)

      But what do you mean your first elephant?

    • dallas93444 profile image

      Dallas W Thompson 7 years ago from Bakersfield, CA

      ..Is the "one easy step" the elephants step..? Will you please inform me how to get an elephant in a VW bug? Could this be the next "step?"

    • drbj profile image

      drbj and sherry 7 years ago from south Florida

      nicom - I concur. Training an elephant in one easy step is simple as pie as long as the one easy step is not taken by the elephant upon your prostrate form.

    • Stan Fletcher profile image

      Stan Fletcher 7 years ago from Nashville, TN

      Dude - this was great! I'm now going over to your condiment hub. You are a very ambitious hubber, and that will not go unnoticed by the judges. Check the news bulletin I put on the original post. Great job! I got a great mental image of a full grown elephant in a blow-up kiddie pool. Funny stuff.

    • ltfawkes profile image

      ltfawkes 7 years ago from NE Ohio

      OMG, nicomp. I'm pretty sure my stark and chilling poetic Ode to Dead Kittens has made me a frontrunner in Stan Fletcher's contest at this point because I'm pretty sure I probably have a fairly sizeable group of possible backers.

      But after reading the above hub I'm throwing my support over to you. Your hub is awesome.

      Clearly you deserve the honor, and I am altruistic enough to understand that the main thing is to bring the glory to Ohio, but not to lisadpreston's part of Ohio because lisadpreston is, as we all know, an evil smirker.

      So way to go, brother. You rock.

      L.T.

    • Mieka profile image

      Mieka 7 years ago

      Haha, that is amazing! Now if only I had an elephant to train i would purchase every item on your list. Tip for your next hub: where to buy an elephant. Or does Amazon send them in a nice package with a bow?

      You made me laugh out loud :)

    • Robwrite profile image

      Rob 7 years ago from Bay Ridge Brooklyn NY

      I want a device that does the Tarzan Yell. If I'm ever in trouble, I'll play the yell, and all the elephants in the neighborhood will come running to my rescue, like they do in the movies.

    • JBeadle profile image

      JBeadle 7 years ago from Midwest

      I was stuck inside our pet elephant once. I didn't know what to do so I just ran around and around until eventually I was pooped out. I know - silly. Not quite as silly as your hub though! I love silly btw - voted up!

    • Tom Whitworth profile image

      Tom Whitworth 7 years ago from Moundsville, WV

      nicomp,

      I urge caution at the use of the elephant shock collar. Have you ever seen a stampeding elephant? They can do enormous damage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!