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PORK ROAST: Pigs' revenge on gullible mankind

Updated on March 24, 2014

First of all just let me say


My bad experience with my wife's pork roast is not a slam against my wife, Pam. She is an excellent cook and homemaker. And for me to insinuate to you that my near-tragic pork roast experience was her fault would be low of me to do and show you that I am nothing less than a jerk.

The lowly pig. Humble, peaceful. Yeaaah, right!
The lowly pig. Humble, peaceful. Yeaaah, right! | Source

The root (no pun intended) of the problem


is pigs. Yes, the all-American animal that has been so good to give numerous generations of its breed to keep us Americans fed as well as the free world.

You would think that pigs are all loveable, kind, playful and willing to be slaughtered without any repercussions. But that only shows just how gullible we, the members of mankind really are.

It's a far-reaching conspiracy that I have recently uncovered by accident. And when CNN, Fox News, and all of the reliable news networks get wind of this, "I" am going to be a household word. I am not a braggart. Just giving you a friendly warning.

This lethal pork roast almost cost me my life
This lethal pork roast almost cost me my life | Source

Let's do a quick review on the many ways a pig feeds us:

  1. Pork Roast
  2. Pork Loin
  3. Pork Shoulder
  4. Pork Chops
  5. Chit-lings
  6. Pork Rinds
  7. Pigs' Tails (for some)
  8. Pigs' Feet (for some)
  9. Barbecue Whole Hog

Now do you see just how the so-called friend of humanity, the pig, has us hooked on good food?

These are the "friendly" pigs' dangerous rural cousins, the wild hog. They can severely injure a person
These are the "friendly" pigs' dangerous rural cousins, the wild hog. They can severely injure a person | Source

Let this be a warning to you


I am not a racist or bigot. I love all types of people and animals. Pigs, if you didn't know, have two groups: 1. the lowly pig who lets us kill him and his kin for tasty meals and picnics and 2. The pig shown above commonly known as a wild hog. He is severely-dangerous and has a short temper. If you, men or women, think you are brave enough to track one of these monsters, you had better bring your "A game," for you won't find a meaner, dangerous, and probably the shrewdest animal on four hooves. Do your research. Find out how to approach and kill this animal for he means business. He is out to get you, so be forewarned.

This is a sick man very similar to how I looked and felt on St. Patrick's Day
This is a sick man very similar to how I looked and felt on St. Patrick's Day | Source

Well, now for the gory details


On the Sunday before St. Patrick's Day, I sat down after church to dine on my wife's delicious pork roast that she had slow-cooked overnight the night before. I admit it. I let the thoughts of this tasty dish pass through my mind during our worship service and prayed that God would understand.

After church our grandkids, Alexis, Annabeth, and Gabriel, who are not kids anymore, but young adults, dug into the roast--devouring the dish like a pack of ravenous wolves and frankly, I was doing my best to keep up with them. Pam was nibbling her portion of pork roast and enjoying how much we loved her cooking.

But that night, things changed. I mean changed so much that I didn't sleep a wink the entire night. I tossed and turned, sweated, moaned in pain at my gall bladder aching as a reaction to the pork roast. And I did myself some praying too. I promised God that if He wouid let me live through the night, I would swear-off pork roasts.

Monday, St. Patrick's Day, I arose at 11 a.m. with fever, sweating and feeling as if a train had hit me while I was crossing a railroad track. All I wanted to do was sit in my recliner and not move.

I ask you. Have you ever been that sick?

Pam, in her saintly-personality, (and this is not a joke), ran to town and socked-up on ginge ale, Seven-Up and other drinks that my stomach could tolerate.

By Tuesday morning I was much better and much-wiser about my eating ahd what I eat.

Pam told me later in the day that it was not what I eat, but how much. I had consumed three pork roast sandwiches at lunch and at supper, about three more.

The amount combined with the greasy pork roast combined to make me say this to God:

"Father, I promise you, that if you get me through this, I will never "pig out " anymore."


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    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, Rebecca,

      NO worries. And NO pork roasts and NO pigging-out or in. LOL. Thanks for your kind comment. Visit with me anytime.

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      @ Jodah, bacon? You bet. Every way but raw. I love the thick-sliced bacon with my biscuits.

      Well now, you have made me hungry. Again. LOL.

      Thanks so much for your friendship and following in that order.

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, vocalcoach,

      So glad to hear that you are a vegetarian. Well, to be similar, I love many types of veggies myself.

      But NO MORE pork roast. Even if sexy Jessica Alba cooked one for me. I have to draw the line somewhere.

      Thank you for your sweet comments.

    • rebeccamealey profile image

      Rebecca Mealey 3 years ago from Northeastern Georgia, USA

      Cute read! Don't "pig out" anymore!

    • vocalcoach profile image

      Audrey Hunt 3 years ago from Nashville Tn.

      Well, Ken, I'm a vegetarian - so much for that :)

      Enjoyed your hub and the laughter - not at you, but your clever way. Your hubs are terrific!

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      All's good here Kenneth, the rain is falling which is much needed. Great to see you active here again too. Your hubs and presence add greatly to this community. How about bacon, can you eat that? Take care.

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Jodah,

      Hello. How are things in Queensland? I hope you are well and doing fine. Thanks for your nice comment.

      I too am very glad that I lived through that nightmarish night.

      No more pork roasts for me.

      Thanks again for your support.

      Have a safe and happy day.

    • kenneth avery profile image
      Author

      Kenneth Avery 3 years ago from Hamilton, Alabama

      Hi, breakfastpop,

      Long time. No see. I am so glad that you commented on my hub. I have been out of pocket lately due to health issues, but I am trying to get back and do as many hubs as I can before my health gets worse.

      Thank you, dear friend, for your remarks. And yes. You are absolutely right. a wild pig will attack and take chunks out of an untrained pig hunter.

      Please visit with me again.

      Have a fine day.

    • Jodah profile image

      John Hansen 3 years ago from Queensland Australia

      Haha Kenneth. Not funny at the time I'm sure, but glad you lived through the night to write about it. I love roast pork sandwiches.

    • breakfastpop profile image

      breakfastpop 3 years ago

      Keep this in mind. Given the opportunity, a pig would eat you!