Wildlife Representatives Achieve Landmark Concessions -- Deer Crossings to be Expanded
Regional Office Establishes Nationwide Policy
(The following article is purely fictional. Any names, facts or circumstances are not intended to represent anyone or anything, living or dead. I assume the deer is alive, at least when the picture was taken.)
In a brief announcement the Regional Office for the Administration, Development, and Management of Endangered Animal Life (ROADMEAL) announced an agreement with wildlife representatives regarding an unprecedented expansion of deer crossings nationwide.
Representatives of the wildlife community were characteristically silent about this landmark achievement, and could not be reached for comment. The announcement follows months of negotiations between ROADMEAL and deer officials. At issue are not only the lack of areas designated for deer crossings, but also the inadequate placement of existing deer crossing signs. Deer officials had claimed that misplacement of existing signs abrogated previous agreements and required deer to cross at very dangerous locations.
The Obama administration had previously agreed to abide by any decisions coming out of the ROADMEAL negotiations. Over 56,000 additional miles of road will now be included in strict enforcement of the ROADMEAL decisions, and will ensure that all existing deer crossing signs will be placed in much safer locations. In exchange for these concessions, representatives of deer communities in all states except Alaska agreed to allow an increased availability of doe tags during hunting season.
Expanded Deer Crossings a Boon For Obama's Jobs Program
In a rare expression of bi-partisan support, both houses of congress passed resolutions to support an Obama plan for the construction of hundreds of deer crossing walkways, many of which would be either bridges or underpasses on both interstate and local highways. Jake Sportsoffen, director of the nationwide construction program, said "This marks a great day for the nation, especially during these times of unemployment and restricted hunting seasons."
Regional Agency Renamed
Because all deer participating in the expanded crossing program effort must now be registered as livestock, and because ROADMEAL has achieved the objectives of its original charter, their name will be changed from the Regional Office for the Administration, Development and Management of Endangered Animal Life to the Regional Office for the Administration, Development and Knowledge Involving Legal Livestock (ROADKILL).
Deer nationwide will have greater access to safer road crossings. Obama's expanded national emphasis will address unemployment concerns and will significantly increase the number of doe tags available to seasonal hunters.