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The Revenge of the Rabbit
Ask anyone and they’ll tell you, I’m normally one of those cheerfully optimistic type people. I’ll notice the flowers before I acknowledge the weeds…or even worse, if the weeds are of the flowering variety, I’ll think those are rather pretty too. Times may be hard, the country in an economic crisis and tomorrow I may be living on Kraft macaroni & cheese, but darn it…I really love Kraft macaroni & cheese and a little time off would be rather nice. Conspiracy theorists abhor my Pollyanna attitude and are often quick to chalk it up to an inherent deficiency in my intellectual make-up. Nobody could possibly be both smart and cheerful at the same time.
Therefore, when I first stumbled upon the evil cabal and their plot to out-plot all other plots, my first natural response was…”Oh, what an adorable bunny!”
Now some might think that being a natural optimist would mean that skepticism is a foreign concept to me. I might be cheerful, but I’m not an idiot. If I’m gullible at times, it’s by choice. For instance, I know that the Easter Bunny, Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy do not really exist…but occasionally I’ve fallen for a diet pill that will miraculously melt away fat without impinging on my sedentary lifestyle. So my second thought upon seeing this picture
was, “that HAS to be photo-shopped. There is no WAY a bunny could be that big.”
So I googled, I yahooed, I snoped…and to my surprise not only was this rabbit non-fictional, it also had a very interesting story to go along with it. Unfortunately, the more research I did, the further down the rabbit hole I traveled. Without making a conscious decision, I found myself choosing to swallow the red pill and nothing was ever the same again.
Is it too late to choose the blue pill?
His name is, or was…depending on whose story you choose to believe…Robert, a product of rabbit breeder Karl Szmolinksky of Eberswalde, Germany. According to a February 2007 Washington Post article, the enormous rabbit is known as a German Gray Giant, weighing in at a hefty twenty-three pounds.
In late 2006, Mr. Szmolinky’s hefty hares caught the attention of certain North Korean diplomats. Because of their size, the rabbits…not the diplomats, were thought to be a good choice as breeding stock and that their progeny would help to alleviate the food shortages in their country. According to the breeder, each rabbit could yield up to fifteen pounds of meat…which is definitely a LOT of hasenpfeffer. So, in December of 2006, six carefully selected bunnies, including Robert, were transported to the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.
In a February 2nd, 2007 article in the Washington Post Foreign Service, writer Craig Whitlock pointed out that while it was true the North Koreans coveted the German bunnies for their gigantism, it was unclear how they would parlay six bunnies into enough sustenance to bring hunger relief to its 23 million citizens. When questioned, the official of the North Korean embassy in Berlin, who would not give his name, refused to answer any questions about the breeding program.
The Koreans’ choice of rabbits has other German breeders scratching their heads as well. Karl Heinz-Heitz, chairman of the State Association of Rabbit Breeders in Berlin-Brandenburg, said that German gray giants are hard to beat for size but that they aren’t cheap to fatten up. It takes wheelbarrow-loads of hay, vegetable and rabbit chow to bring them to maturity. Thus, they are not economically profitable or cost-effective to raise.
Concerned for the well-being of his rabbits, Mr. Szmolinsky planned to travel to North Korea to check up on their health in April of 2007. However, shortly before his departure, he was contacted by an official and the trip was subsequently canceled. Mr. Szmolinksky has decided not to part with his remaining bunnies. When a couple of Chinese visitors showed up unannounced at his doorstep asking if they could purchase some of the animals, the breeder claimed that he had gotten rid of them.
The current fate of the big bunnies is somewhat unclear. There is a story that circulated, claiming that the rabbits, including Robert, were served as the main course at a banquet to celebrate the birthday of North Korea’s leader, Kim Jong-il. Pyongyang’s embassy in Berlin continues to deny this story and insists the rabbits are alive and well.
The Great Wall of China
Perhaps the key to solving the mystery of the bunnies disappearance lies in a rather cryptic title posted in the email subject line that accompanied the reports of Robert’s disconcerting end.
“They’re Gonna Need a Bigger Wall in China”
For my Australian readers, this tag line may sound familiar. For everyone else, the quote references a popular television advertisement shown in Australia that depicts a father’s struggle to come up with a factual answer to his son’s question regarding the Great Wall of China. The following video clip should make the reference more clear:
Why The Great Wall of China Was Built..
This begs the question (damn, I hope I got that right or Shadesbreath will make me read that damn hub again) – What does the Great Wall of China have to do with giant bunnies?
Since it worked for Alec Baldwin’s character in “The Hunt for Red October,” I strolled into the bathroom and began to shave my legs while repeating the question over and over again. “What does the Great Wall of China have to do with giant bunnies?” or conversely, “Why would China need a bigger wall if the bunnies are dead?”
The razor dropped from my suddenly benumbed fingertips as the full impact of my discovery hit home. “That’s it!” I exclaimed, giddy with excitement, “I know how they plan to get the sailors off the nuclear sub…err….I know why the Chinese will need a bigger wall! The bunnies aren’t dead!”
An instant later though, a sobering thought entered my head. If the rabbits were alive and well…then why the need for so much secrecy? It didn’t make sense. They’re just harmless little bunny rabbits…aren’t they?
Images and stories I’d recently read began to filter back into my brain and suddenly I wasn’t so sure. What if these giant rabbits were being bred, not for food, but for a more sinister purpose? Who would even begin to suspect that something so cute, so furry, so gosh darn huggable could be used in such a nefarious way?
The North Koreans…
Obviously the threat of nuclear armament, the blatant testing despite world protest and the ability to launch these types of weapons was simply a ruse, allowing them more time to develop their true WMD. That’s right…Wabbits of Mass Destruction.
I sense your skepticism. Despite the mounting evidence, I longed for those days of blissful ignorance and found denial quite attractive. However, with the fate of the world hanging in the balance, I could not in good conscience allow myself to indulge in it for long.
Using the excuse that my time was spent innocuously playing World of Warcraft, I delved deeper and deeper into the heart of the conspiracy searching for the proof that would convince everyone of this diabolical plot. But time grows short…and I fear perhaps even now I may be too late to prevent the North Koreans from launching their attack.
Succeed or fail…I must at least make the attempt. This is what I’ve found…
The Attempted Assassination on President Jimmy Carter
The truth of the matter is that the North Koreans have been working on this scheme for years and it wasn’t until providence came in the form of a giant rabbit that they were able to find a more suitable vehicle to launch their plan. Prior to Robert, the North Koreans were forced to test their program using rabbits of a more normal body size.
In the spring of 1979, President Jimmy Carter was viciously attacked by one of these rabbits as he sat in his boat, fishing in his pond during a visit to Plains, Georgia. According to the President, he had sighted a large animal swimming toward him. Upon closer inspection, the animal turned out to be a rabbit. Not one of your cutesy, Easter Bunny type rabbits, but one of those big, splay-footed things that are known commonly as swamp rabbits.
The animal was clearly in distress, or perhaps berserk. The President confessed to having had limited experience with enraged rabbits and was unable to reach a definite conclusion about its state of mind. What was obvious, however, was that this large, wet animal, making strange hissing noises and gnashing its teeth, was intent upon climbing into the Presidential dinghy.
The President, thinking quickly, averted disaster by using the paddle. The scene, captured on film by a White House photographer, shows the President fending off the furry assassin, thereby thwarting the North Koreans.
The Would-Be Assassin Escapes
If this had been a giant bunny, the paddle may not have been an effective deterrent.
I can only hope that the Secret Service will be on its toes this spring during the Easter Egg Roll at the White House lawn. How easy it would be for the North Koreans to gift our new, unsuspecting president with an innocuous looking killer Easter Bunny.
"I Don't Want a Bunny Wunny" by Tom Paxton
The Movie Prophecies
At first glance, I nearly dismissed these next two pieces of evidence as purely cult classics. However, if you’ll indulge me for a moment, I’ll point out the frightening truth embedded in each…
The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog
Most everyone is acquainted with Monty Python’s infamous killer bunny and can agree upon the fact that the humor is derived from the fact that something as harmless as a small rabbit could slaughter a group of well-armed knights. But for those of you that may not be up on your pop culture please, take a moment to review the following film clip labeled Exhibit B9.
What one cannot see, unless we magnify one of the frames is this…
After reviewing the footage, I’m convinced that the homicidal hare is actually enjoying the role far too much. And while I cannot corroborate the information received since John Cleese has not returned any of my phone calls, I’ve been told that several cast members received some rather nasty nicks, scrapes and suspicious bite marks while filming this particular scene with the “actor.”
Corny...but...okay, it's just plain corny
Night of the Lepus
In 1972, this horror film, adapted from an insightful novel written by Australian author, Russell Braddon entitled “The Year of the Angry Rabbit,” seemed rather ludicrous. However, given what we know now, this movie is anything but that and is in fact downright chilling in its prophetic view of things to come.
If you watch nothing else...you MUST see this one.
In this particular cult classic, cute little bunnies fall into the hands of scientists…although not necessarily North Korean scientists…and become giant meat-eating monsters. I feel compelled to point out the fact that there were no towering walls in the American southwest to keep them out…not in 1972 and not now in 2009. Unless of course we take into consideration the border wall currently under construction between the United States and Mexico…which of course looks as if it could be easily circumvented...and usually is on a daily basis.
The Great Wall of Mexico
Hubpages Not Immune
The North Koreans have gone to great lengths to keep their evil plot a secret by using such tactics as diversion and misdirection. Sadly, even our beloved hubpages has played right into their hands. I’ve uncovered proof that one of our authors is not whom he claims to be…
BT Evilpants - Beloved Hubber/North Korean Agent
Although BT Evilpants claims to be a jackalope, after an intensive investigation by Homeland Security that included a raid upon the premises, several sets of false antlers were discovered along with a suspicious quantity of Krazy Glue.
Jackalope or German Gray Giant, product of a North Korean breeding program bent on the destruction of our civilization? I’ll let you decide.